Is going out one night with friends and one evening to a gym class asking too much?

[pullingtaffy]

I was ill for a while after having dc2 and haven’t really been out much for a few years. I’m feeling loads better and have started going out with friends once a week / fortnight and also to a class one night a week which is an hour.
Dh isn’t happy. He has all weekend to himself but he says I’m ‘abandoning my family’ and suddenly I’d rather spend time with my friends than him. Which is true actually since he just lies on the sofa and watches tv all night. I don’t go out until I’ve got the children to bed.
Is this totally unreasonable?

That is a very minimal social life, so he has no right whatsoever to make you feel bad about it! Carry on and ignore him.

It.doesnt sound unreasonable but does.he get the.opportuniity to do the same? As long as he could if he wants to then it's not unreasonable.

Why does he get all weekend to himself?

He has all day on a Saturday for his hobby and in the summer he goes two nights a week as well. Too dark now. I wouldn’t object to him going out if he wanted to. The issue is he gets drunk and can’t get home. I don’t drink. I meet my friends for a meal and then come back.

Someone will ask it. So I'll ask first. Is he controlling about other things?
I have a feeling that you aren't working, or newly back to work and he doesn't like your bid for freedom from domestic shackles? Why does he get all weekend to himself? Doesn't he do 50-50 childcare/housework at weekends?
And no, it isn't too much.

Golf then.

YANBU. He's being a selfish, controlling dick

He's controlling
Keep going out and don't put up with his shit

Not at all ! It's good for your mental health to do exercise and see your friends, which will make you happier at home.
So win, win for him - happier you and he gets the sofa and remote to himself ;-)

Of course you're not asking too much - I am amazed that you even need to ask.
He has all weekend to himself and begrudges you two or three hours a week ?
Perhaps next weekend you could remind him that he's 'abandoning his family' for rather longer than he accuses you of.

It sounds fine to me OP. Have you asked him why it's fine for him to go out twice a week (at certain times of year) and all day Sat, but when you do it you are abandoning your family?

Indeed how are you abandoning them when they are asleep in bed and it doesn't interfere with his usual evening of watching TV?

Why are there double standards that he can go out 2 evenings per week (plus Saturdays) but you can't?

What did he say when you asked him why he abandons his family for half of the weekend and two nights a week in the summer? If you haven’t had that conversation, why not?
I’d be doing it laughingly with a lot of ‘good for the goose, good for the gander’ stuff, but with a hint of a serious conversation about whether he’s a misogynistic arse who doesn’t see himself as an equal parent, and doesn’t believe that women are allowed time for themselves.
Round these parts it would be weird if I went out every week to hang with friends (especially dinner) but I do it every couple of months. I do volunteer at least one night a week though, often two, and sometimes at weekends. Dh and I just let each other know when we will be out. No one sulks about not getting enough attention. And it’s pretty balanced. Not little wifey tied to the kitchen and childcare while the big man fucks off to play golf and get hammered.

So when he does his hobbies, does he feel he's abandoning his family? Or does that only apply to you as a woman?

I've never gone our with friends on such a frequency as weekly, because I've never felt the need and neither has DH.

He is a controlling arse. Tell him to fuck the fuck right off and you should go out all the more. Keep a score of his free time and yours every week and put it on the wall in great big numbers.

Yet another gobshite

Controlling arsehole

So he's allowed to go out four nights per week and get so drunk he struggles to get home.

But you aren't allowed one sober night out per week that is focused on improving your health?

Umm...wtf.
Being annoyed would have bern bad enough...but to say that this is 'abandoning your family' - is controlling and manipulative. He's a shitty human. Think about abandoning him permanently.

Your answer should be to go out more. Heck, book a spa weekend and go with your friends. Life is short, go live it. He does his things! You get to do yours

So can we get this straight? He gets so drunk so he can't get home, he's out of the house all day one day a weekend and he tries to emotionally blackmail you if you go out once a fortnight with your friends and to an hour long gym class.

Has he always been a controlling manipulative arsehole with a drink problem or is this a new thing?

Wow you picked a good one there!

I'm guessing you put the kids to bed every night too, do you do all the housework and cooking?

Do you work, you'll need to so you can save up to leave!