Wife still in touch with affair partner even though we're still together. What do I do?

[BristolRichard]

My wife of 14 years - with who I have three children, including one with serious behavioral and learning issues - earlier this year began an affair with a man she met on a work trip abroad. It has been a difficult time for lots of reasons. Unknown to me at the time they spent the night together (although she insists nothing much happened at this point) and were then intensively in touch via messenger and whatsapp over many weeks. They subsequently had another weekend together where they had unprotected sex multiple times. After all this came out we were in turmoil but agreed to give things another go, on the basis she would cut all ties with the other man and focus on us. Anyway, despite starting off well I I recently found out they were still in touch with each other sending messages and pictures and although we're still officially giving things a go for a few months, I know they are still talking to each other most days. (This is very hard as things are actually good between us most of the time, we laugh together and have become quite close again, we're sleeping in the same bed, having sex regularly etc) So I have a horrible dilemma - do I ignore their liaisons and hope that it fizzles out, or give her an ultimatum and say all contact between them needs to cease or we split? The problem then becomes who moves out - do I ask her to leave as she's having the affair or do I leave? She's got little income so I will have to keep paying for the mortgage and everything else even if I leave, but it seems unfair I should go and lose my house and everything else. Any thoughts welcome...

Ultimatum as she’s taking the piss. Speaking to him is hardly allowing her time to reconnect with you. I think it’s over to be honest with or without the ultimatum.

Spare room for her I’d suggest.

Start speaking to a lawyer about whose entitled to what. If you are married she’ll probably get half the house but it depends on the circs.
Sorry you’re going through this OP

First of all stop having sex with her. She doesn't respect you. What if she gets pregnant - how would you know whose child it would be? How are you not disgusted by sleeping with your wife when another man was inside her? If you decide to divorce then she should leave the house and move in with the other man.
The other option is for you to find that man and deal with him.

Sorry but the affair itself you will never get over fully. You will always wonder who she's talking to, who she's seeing on work trips etc. But in this case she is still in contact with the OM... she's just taking the piss now.

She will do it again, and by sitting back you're allowing it. At this stage you either accept you're sharing her, or leave. There is not ultimatum here because she got away with it before and knows she will again if you keep letting it go.

Wow. So she know u don't like it....carries on doing it....but also tells you she is....she is taking the piss!

She doesn't care if she losses you!

You already gave her an ultimatum, she's stuck 2 fingers up in response. Time to leave. As for who stays in the house, tge children are the main consideration, are the children still young/school age? If so they should stay in the home with the main carer, whether that's you or her. Yes that's bloody unfair if that means you have to move out, but unfortunately if that's the way to give the kids the most stability then obviously you have to put them first.

Nah... she is not being respect at all.

Ltb

Start divorce proceedings and get yourself tested for STDs.
Don’t tolerate this shit from her because she’s playing you and will do it for as long as you let her. She’s getting what she wants from both of you.
Have some self respect and get rid of her.

She's shown you how vile she is. Get rid. She doesn't respect you or this so called relationship.

I think you need to take some time to work out how you will respond.

Starting divorce proceedings is just the beginning of a long and complicated process. So take your time; choosing the right solicitor etc. You don't have to deal with everything at once- even though of course, there are so many unknowns.

The question is, how are you left feeling? I do believe that if your wife were committed to salvaging and working upon your relationship, then she would make the decision to cut all ties with the other man, as per your request. It doesn't really matter that they only discuss day to day things, the emotional connection is still there and being kept alive. If you were happy with a polyamorous set up, which it doesn't sound like you are, it would be a different story. In the first instance, couple counselling would be a productive first step. Not necessarily to stay together, but also to decide how to end the relationship, if that's what happens.
It's hurtful that she continued in secret to maintain contact with the man despite your request (reasonable), and that you're meant to working on the relationship. It doesn't sound right to me. Shes not exactly giving it her best shot - basically she wants to try and maintain both, and was seeing if she could get away with it.
It depends - can you live with this?

OP - does your attempt to save the marriage include joint counselling?
Or did you think that it was enough that she would stop talking/seeing the OM.

People can stay together after affairs, and majority actually do. Even many of the people who would say prior to it that it was a deal breaker for them.
But it requires a lot of work. By both parties. And not simply sweeping things under the rug.

Your W needs to understand and be able to communicate what it is she was looking for - getting from that interaction. And why she is still in touch with him.
And you might need to face some uncomfortable truths about how the relationship has been for her.
Or - alternatively - you might learn that the affair and that man has nothing to do with the relationship.
Independent of why the affair happened - any sort of recovery can’t happen without open and honest communication about the relationship, and how each of you feels in it.

Stay/go is a very binary way of looking at it. I sense that you aren’t yet ready to make that choice - and you should’t be forced to.
If you think you still want to try - then you both need to do more - and it’s hard work.

If you are a reading type - look up Ester Perel and her book on affairs. It may give you some food for thought. She is a counsellor specialising in it. Also does interesting TED talks on the subject.

She is showing you who she is

This with bells on and I hope you've been tested for STDs.

@MMmomDD - talk about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted and / or the stable has burnt down...

OP - get legal advice as to how to proceeds and keep your home and children

@Aridane
What do any of us know about their relationship prior to the affair? About what lead to it? About how it has been since?

We do know there are children and financial considerations.
And that OP doesn’t seem to be ready to pull the plug yet.

So - it’s irresponsible to be so cavalier with advice of kicking people out and disregarding the children/finances.
Especially given how often on MN we see posts saying - ‘I have always thought it’d be a deal breaker, but now it’s happened to me I can’t/don’t want to leave’....

It’s easy to advice to LTB. Very easy to see world as black&white when it’s not your own life.
OP may yet decide to go that way anyway. But it seems that at this moment - they aren’t really communicating about what is going on. And how can any decision be made without full disclosure of what either of them are feeling. Or what they need and want from the relationship.

Yes, it's always nuanced when the man is being cheated on, never the other way round. Funny that.

Oh dear, I wouldn't put up with this I don't think. You can't just remain friends and chat daily to your recent affair partner, in the same way you might (for example) be friends with an old ex. That is totally unreasonable.

People can stay together after affairs, and majority actually do.

Yeo many do. But what the outside world doesn't know is that none of us forget and most of us put on a front for the outside world. Outsiders think that they have got through it and are stronger than ever when often that isn't the case. It's what we want you to think. We chose to stay so lets prove to the world it was the right choice even though on the inside it ruined our lives.

What do any of us know about their relationship prior to the affair? About what lead to it? About how it has been since?

Doesn't matter. There's never a good excuse for an affair. Yet to see one here or anywhere. But if this was a woman posting the man would be condemned... But the woman here had the affair so she must have had a reason.... Ooooook.

Very easy to see world as black&white when it’s not your own life.

Affairs are black and white. There is no excuse to have one. Sure the person who does always has a list of excuses, none of them good or acceptable.

But take your own advice - it's not your life - your posts reek of never being there yourself but the poor, fragile woman must have had a reason.... Please.

Yes, it's always nuanced when the man is being cheated on, never the other way round. Funny that.

Exactly. Select few here will go in to bat for the poor woman who was driven to an affair... These topics are known for such double standards. And often those with the biggest opinions siding with the fragile female haven't ever been cheated on or have ANY idea what that's like.....

Equality FTW.

@BadProduce

You imply you stayed after the affair. Why not talk about that and give him advice from YOUR experience.
You had the choice to stay or go. OP seems to only have one choice - according to many of the posters.

And as to me - have been there myself. Have seen a few close friends of both genders going through that. And this is why I say things aren’t black and white.
And affairs happen for different reasons. And women and men sometimes cheat for the same reasons, but in some situations they are quite different.
There always are nuances and shades. Not just stark binary choices.

And if you read what I said - I wasn’t saying that OP needs to chose to stay, or go. Just that if he was originally trying to give ‘stay’ a chance - they didn’t seem to be putting the work it requires.

Yep that is my advice. DON'T do what I did.

But we are all giving advice, yours isn't any more correct than anyone else's. From my experience the only logical thing to do is go. It won't go away. Those who haven't been through it have NO idea what it's like. Leaving is the easier option. The experience will still destroy trust in pretty much anyone else anyway. It's life changing and often life ruining.

I did expect you to say you'd been through it though. While your posts say opposite... I'm skeptical but whatever....

There is no excuse for an affair. There is ALWAYS an option to leave etc in that way they are black and white. Still yet to see a good excuse for an affair....

I have been on both sides. Maybe that’s why I can see things differently from many people on here.
Also - Ester’s book (Rethinking Infidelity) made a lot of sense to me. It probably confirmed some of the things I felt intuitively.
So - yes - leaving is the easier option, often. But I didn’t. And my trust in everything is not destroyed, I am sorry yours is.
For me - it made me/us get to a whole different level of communication, opening up and connection with to each other. It’s was not easy, took time and still needs work.

As to the ‘there is always an option to leave’ - i strongly disagree. It’s like telling a depressed person to snap out of it; or an abuse person to be stronger and leave. There is not always an IMMEDIATE option to leave. With time and preparation - options can be created, sure. But again - not binary 1/0. And certainly not when there are children.
I was there once - couldn’t leave, until I could.

Tell her to go move in with him . Seriously . Why are you putting up with this ?

If she has any concern for this marriage she will let this side fuck go completely!

The condition of you trying again was her breaking contact, this should be a deal breaker.

At the moment she is having her cake and eating it. She gets the fun/excitement/attention/positive feedback of the affair and gets to feel super desirable as long as she's in contact with this guy. And she gets the stability/comfort/safety of her marriage and family home with you. As far as you're concerned this isn't sustainable, but as far as she's concerned it's a great set up. You need to make her choose (or take the choice out of her hands and make it for her). She won't choose unless she's forced to. It's very easy to parrot "I'm committed to making it work with you but that doesn't mean I have to cut all contact with my friend" etc. Etc. You need to be clear that making it work does mean cutting all contact.

I would see a solicitor so you can be one step ahead and informed about divorce . In the meantime how about couples counselling - her maintaining contact with him is not really on .

Get the Chumplady book. It'll help you see how she's operating.
Stop the sex.
Get her out of your bedroom.
See a solicitor.