Unrequited love

[CochonDinde]

I do realise I'll sound like a love sick teenager here, for that I apologise! I'm actually mid 30s and looking for ideas to get over someone so I can bloody move on! A few years ago, I worked with a man, let's call him Dave - and we just clicked. We had some amazing fun times working together. But nothing romantic ever happened, he's been in a long term relationship for years. I left the company over 2 years ago, yet I just can't get over him. It's ridiculous, as we were never together in any case and I'd never tell him how I feel (though I strongly suspect he knows in any case) - so why won't my brain let go? I've zero interest in dating anyone, as I tell myself there's no point as I wouldn't be able to feel anything like what I feel for Dave. I was in an abusive relationship myself when I initially met Dave, so I originally put it down to him measuring up as some ideal in comparison whilst with abusive ex. But a few years have now passed with my ex out the picture. I've hardly any contact with Dave, other than a quick message every few months or we bump into each other through work. I do get fearful that I'm setting myself up to be alone forever. I'm not young and naive, I'm a divorcee myself, yet I'm letting my feelings for someone who I'll never be with ruin my future!

Look up limerance perhaps OP?

I think it's worth remembering that you don't really know him; people at work are not the same as they are out of it. You see the best of them in some ways, turned out well, they aren't allowed to be rude or politically incorrect or complaining, they're boxed in to acting responsibility or acting out their leadership roles.

These things are almost always illusory and about other things or other needs we have. Perhaps you packaged him in your mind as a safe person who would never abuse you if he were your partner and have a need for that having had an abusive relationship prior. Perhaps forming feelings with someone who doesn't reciprocate/with whom nothing will happen is a subconscious defence tactic- if you never date them then you literally can't get hurt by them.

Abusive relationships are a lot to process mentally OP, have you considered seeing a therapist to work through that period of your life? It might be worth exploring as it might be why you're stuck in limbo over this colleague now. As I say, things like this are rarely about the other person really

Thank you @dontgobaconmyheart - much of that rings true. I've thought about looking into a counsellor to get over the damage the abusive relationship, I likely need to actually act on this!

The place we worked was very social. There was a big group of us that were friends and we'd go on nights out, weekends away, even a few trips abroad outside of work. It was only when I got to know him socially that the strong feelings developed. However, I suspect you've hit the nail on the head that it's to do with my ex and a defense that I won't date anyone. You're right that I felt extremely safe with him. Once I left the job, I withdrew myself from the friendship group as I'd hoped to lose my feelings for him. No such luck as yet!!

Same problem here OP. This is me being sad about a similar thing on my thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3750199-Managing-unrequited-love-or-something-like-that-Is-friendship-ever-possible

Sorry to hear you're in a similar position @Spinelessjello, it's naff isn't it?

I had this, for years. We worked together when we were in our 20s. ☹️

I'm nearly 50 now, we're both married to other people and haven't seen each other for several years. I still google him though, to find the funny letters he sends to the papers. ❤️