Is it normal to feel lonely but not be interested in dating?

[FirTree31]

Hi, just that really?
I am a single parent to 2 sons and a dog, I work 4 days a week, I'm 31 years old.
I'm lonely, I day dream about meeting someone all the time, but now after 3 serious/disastrous relationships, 2 of which resulted in children, I cannot see how it will ever happen. I try to focus on myself and looking after myself, we're quite an active family, but I feel pretty fed up and doing things alone... But yet, I make no effort to change this! I'm on Match(but my subscription ends tomorrow and I won't renew) and rarely message back after a few messages, Ive had a few flings, but no interest in seeing them again which makes me feel like a bad person. I don't see the point, I don't belive it'll end well! I think I must be pretty jaded? I don't know what I'm looking for from mumsnetters, perhaps that you once felt this way and It all changed!

Sounds like my life as an asexual. I'd sometimes like some companionship but I never fancy anyone

Kind of. I'm like it with making new friends too at the moment, as I don't have good experiences of friendships much.

By avoiding trying to date etc, you can't be hurt.

It suits me at the moment! I also have a poor body image and don't particularly want to be seen naked :)

Hey, yeah I feel self conscious too, not only because I don't feel my best physically but also, what have I really got to bring to the table. Also, I think most men online (in my experience, please correct me if I'm wrong) just want sex, so that's what I do, but then I think that may be a self esteem issue.

I think we are socialised so much to think our worth is being part of a relationship. You sound amazing though OP. A single mum being all things to your kids.

I did go through a patch of loneliness but then I started to think about all the compromises I wasn't prepared to make for the sake of a relationship . I also looked after myself better, physically, and focussed on spending any spare time I had outside of work and my child on myself or with friends.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are worth so much more than a shit relationship. I think the loneliness patch is a necessary phase to getting you comfortable on your own terms.

Independence is the biggest gift you can give yourself.

(I'm 48 single mum to a 10 year old DD)

Is your lonliness social or romantic? If it's romantic, I think you just need to get brave and carry on trying to meet the right person. just be choosy and work on your self esteem and relationship values so you don;t end up with someone incompatible. If it's just that you crave adult company or someone to hang out with try MeetUp or look at asexual dating sites that are for people look for friendship with no romance attached.

I am very lonely

Whether that be romantically or for a friend

I'm too hurt by everything to put myself out there now. I mean I try with parents at school for playdates and to talk to them etc and don't get me wrong they talk to me and are nice but they're not close friends and they've got quite a close bond with each other and it makes me feel left out.
I'm left with no confidence. So for different reasons I can't bring myself to date

Perhaps you just need a break from the online dating and spend some time concentrate on other things for a while. It's easy to feel jaded with dating.

When you feel like giving it another go you could perhaps just go for a quick coffee with a date and see how you feel.

I'm in exactly the same boat OP, SP and a string of awful relationships over the past few years. I decided in March to take a break from dating and focus on myself and improving my self care and self love. Although I get lonely at times and still fantasize about meeting someone, taking a break has been essential in taking stock about things that are really important to me in life.

The biggest thing I've realised is that I was attracting and accepting relationships with very damaged people (mostly narcissists) and my poor self esteem and inability to enforce my boundaries left me wide open to abusive/toxic relationships and being used for sex.

You are so young and have plenty of time to meet the right person, however you need to be in the right place with yourself for this to work. It can be painful to really delve into yourself and your past and try and heal but I honestly wish i did this years ago. It would have saved me from going through some very painful experiences.

I'm not ready to date quite yet, but I know when I do I won't be a magnet for those type of people anymore. I know how to recognise red flags, when I'm being used or taken for granted and have finally found my voice and learned to trust my gut about situations. Sometimes you have to sit through your feelings to get to the bottom of them. I realised that I had chronic lonliness due to being hopelessly codependent. If that sounds like you, Lisa Romano videos on youtube really helped.

Thank you for your replies, although it's sad to read. The world is so full of people, yet here we are. I wish I could say something meaningful and helpful and hopeful, but I can't it's shit, at least we're not alone in feeling lonely.

Sorry for late response, I've just sat down!

I think I'm socially and romantically lonely. Many people I know seem to be out there seeing friends, but I'm at home. I haven't been on FB for nearly a year as it was upsetting me. I don't go out out, I'm too anxious about drinking, I haven't been drunk in over 2 years. I don't stay over anywhere because I'm too anxious about not sleeping, I guess my world is pretty small.

I totally understand what was said about mums at school, our school is clicky, I say hello but stand alone to pick up my children. I pick up one of the boys for football, but his mum is a vet and they live in big house so I don't feel as though we could friends as such.

OP, I think you sound lovely. I also think you can be friends with anyone, from any walk of life. One of my friends is my opposite in every way and I see people looking puzzled at why we are close but I love her and trust her and we enjoy each other's company, even though our worlds are completely different, so maybe the vet in the big house would be happy to hang out for coffee.
Do you feel up to tackling your anxiety? It sounds as if it is holding you back. Could you decide in your mind that you could go out (eg if there is a class mums' night out) by planning in advance exactly what you'll drink so you know you won't get drunk. Could you set yourself small goals of just saying hi to three people a day or passing a comment at the school gates with another mum who stands alone - just to get into the habit of breaking the ice with people.

It is hard, especially when DC are young.

Hi I m not sure where you live but the lone parent thread on here has some offers for single parent meet ups with or without your kid s if it's friends that you are looking for

You do sound lonely for friends, OP. This was me a few years ago. I started socialising more and more and am now building various friendships. You seem to be throwing various obstacles in the way as reasons why you can't socialise, maybe that's because you're just scared of being hurt, even by prospective friends? Perhaps if you acknowledge that and are upfront about it to yourself you can see your way past some of the barriers. For example, I rarely drink alcohol when I'm at my regular meetup group. Sometimes I'll have a pint, but more often I'll not have alcohol at all. Honestly, no one cares either way. And I've met some lovely people. Give it a go, OP. Meetup.com is fab!

It's completely normal after bad relationships. We can look at the idea of relationships romantically but our past experiences tell us no that won't ever happen that way for me.

Google 'skin hunger'. Lack of intimate touch can have a lot of negative effects on mental health. Some people find that going for massages can help.

Would you be able to make any time to take up a hobby even for an hour a week where you could meet new friends?

The time I was single and felt lonely I concentrated on doing classes. I guess that it’s harder where you have your dc. If there is any chance of signing up for a class or an activity you feel passionate about preferably one with lots of interaction try. Or alternatively volunteer again hard due to childcare but at least there are no costs as such.

I used to pop in to a neighbours for a cuppa and she would nip to mine as well when our dc were small. We both had DH who worked away quite often. Children are teenagers now and she moved away but those times were really nice. Plus she would ring me to get rid of spiders as she was terrified of them.

I personally know people who have successfully online dated but also some who have had some real horrors. Sorry your lonely op, my 90 year old neighbour says people jump in their cars these days and people used to just chat in the street a lot as most people walked when she was a child, I think she has a very valid point.

I knew I wanted to meet someone but it takes work and luck with online dating. Match didn't have anyone nice but I met someone through a rival paid for site (tinder et al are fine for more casual dating to pass the time!). Separate long term from simply having fun, then you'll accidentally meet someone (still can't believe my luck, took 5 months)

I was in the same boat when I was your age OP. Two young kids and feeling very isolated and alone. I started OD and it was soul destroying. I felt all my self esteem and self worth was wrapped up in being in a r'ship. I was relentless in pursuit of that. I then met and [stupidly] married someone I met 12 years ago and chucked him out in July this year. Loneliness and low self esteem can drive people into really damaging situations with men. I have zero interest in dating now although I appreciate I am a bit older than you. You do sound quite isolated and I agree with a PP who suggest you need a few more friends. You are young enough to meet someone in the future but it sounds like you need to work on yourself and tackle your loneliness a bit first so you dont end up in another crap r'ship

Hi everyone, thanks so much for replies, I didnt expect any more!
I need to try and look up classes I can join during the weekend when my sons are at their Dad's, I also looked at some free online OU courses which relate to my career which I think I'll sign up for.

After writing this a few days ago I realised how much my anxiety had eroded my life so my world is now very small. Even when I talk to people at work, I'll leave the conversation and thing "God, you sounded so old, people can see you don't know what you're doing, they don't like you really, you have nothing in common with". To the point where I sometimes avoid going for coffee!

I remember feeling like that OP - both that my world was so small, and that anxiety and self doubt dominated my worldview so much that I was self sabotaging any friendships before they even got off the starting blocks.

Spending time around other people socially, just making myself do it and keep going back again and again, was what helped me. Don't give up.