Partner moving in with adult children

[Bellelou]

So I’m really in need of some sensible advice. Partner of 5 years has moved in with me and 2 adult children and is struggling. Adult children are 27 and 20 and showing no signs of becoming independent anytime soon. Mostly for financial reasons they’re still living at home. DP and I have been together 5 years and just made the decision for him to move in with us but we’re all struggling to adapt.
DP never lived with his own teenage/adult children so all this is new to him !
DC do their own washing, tidy Their own rooms etc. But I do shopping, meal planning cooking etc. Because I don’t want to feel like we’re 4adults living in a house share. DP thinks I’m too soft and should expect more thoughtfulness from them. Is this an impossible situation to resolve or can we moved forward together from this.
Anyone else been in this situation? Any advice gratefully received

Sorry but this isn't going to get better any time soon. At 20 and 27 your AC are in a nice comfort zone - which would be fine if it was just the three of you. You've obviously lived like this forever , and it suited all of you .

Your partner apparently left his previous relationship before the kids grew up so he isn't used to it. And sorry but he probably never will . Your kids are not going to suddenly decided to change because he doesn't like their lifestyle, and he isn't going to change because , well, he just won't. Adult kids and new partners never ( in my experience) ever soften to one another.

I was in that situation a few years ago - and the only thing that saved my sanity was that my son moved out when he found a partner.

I don't have any answers for you - I can't see how it will change since everyone is just being themselves. Good luck !

Why on earth did he move in? Madness on his part.

I doubt it's about your adult children being inconsiderate, but more about him moving into an established dynamic.

It sounds like he is trying to kick start the process of them moving out by pressing you to make them less comfortable where they are.

What do YOU want your domestic setup to be, op? Are you happy living with your adult children and comfortable with the dynamic? Is it less than ideal, but you understand that this is going to put your kids in the best possible situation to build their career/save a deposit / complete their education, etc? Or them living at home something you want to put an end to?

Moving your partner in has massively changed the dynamics of your home, and I think you should prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. Your partner clearly wants your kids to move out, and I fear he is going to make life at home unpleasant for your children until they comply. Is this what you want?

What is the problem exactly? If you are happy with the existing set up, why does he think it needs to change? Does it affect him negatively, or is it just that he believes on principle that you're spoiling them? If it's the latter, I don't think it's up to him, but if it's the former, maybe you need a family discussion about how things will work.

Your situation is very common where I live,lots of adult DC living at home. I cook for my middle son living with me(18) as he is working full time but on minimum wage. Also have started to make his packed lunch again as I do his younger brothers and it's just easier....less mess.
Hope your partner can settle and see that it's a good set up. Maybe hard for him regarding space as he wont be used to having a full house of people but I'm sure with time it will be fine