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Original poster

Boyfriend going travelling

30 replies

Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 13:35

My boyfriend and I have been together around 18 months. He's going travelling for 5 weeks next month on his own for his 40th birthday. He likes to travel and visit different countries and has always done this. Im just finding it hard to accept this as I feel its wrong to do this when in a committed relationship and can't understand why he would want to leave me for this long if he loves me. Im not sure if I'm being unreasonable and would like other people's opinion please

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/11/2019 13:39

Had he planned it before he met you? Find something to do yourself for the time, maybe you can fly out to meet him for some of it?

Original poster
Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 13:54

@shoxfordian Yes he had...he told me when he first met me. He did ask if I could come for a week or so but it's not possible due to finances and childcare. So you think I am being a bit daft being so upset about it? Ive actually ended things with him over it but then got back together

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 23/11/2019 13:59

There's no good reason for him not to go. You're still counting the length of your relationship in months, I'm assuming your children aren't his so he doesn't share childcare. He invited you but you couldn't go.

You can decide you don't want to be with someone who goes away for that long (5 weeks is more of an extended holiday really!). But you'd be totally unreasonable to try and get him not to go.

Paddy1234 · 23/11/2019 14:03

If he had it planned before you met you are being unreasonable however it doesn't stop you being a little sad x

Original poster
Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 14:03

@jennifer2r No I'd never tell him he couldn't go...I'm not his mum haha. There have been other issues too which have added to this. And yes you're right....I suppose its not that long to be with him really. We did live together for a while and his daughter used to come and stay with us every other weekend but that stopped and he moved out. I suppose this is bothering me too which is why I'm not dealing with it very well

OP posts:
Original poster
Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 14:04

@Paddy1234 yes thanks

OP posts:
NormaBean · 23/11/2019 14:06

can't understand why he would want to leave me for this long if he loves me.

It’s possible to enjoy time on your own, travelling and love someone.

I go away regularly without my H, sometimes volunteering for a few months at a time. If he tried to make me feel bad about it or accused me of not loving him then I wouldn’t be able to stay with him.

Original poster
Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 14:10

@NormaBean Thanks for your comment. This is why I felt I had to get some independent opinions. Friends and family I have spoken to another it think it's out of order. But we are all different aren't we

OP posts:
Fabledfronds · 23/11/2019 14:10

I think you’re being quite mean to him.
He enjoys travelling, the holiday was booked before he met you and presumably he’s looking forward to it and will lose money if he cancels.
He’s asked you to join him and it’s not his fault that you can’t.
What else do you expect him to do?
Stop punishing him for something pretty much out of his control.

Rainbowshine · 23/11/2019 14:17

We did live together for a while and his daughter used to come and stay with us every other weekend but that stopped and he moved out.

So what happened there? Was it meant to be temporary? Did you expect him moving in to lead to more firm commitment from him and instead it’s gone the other way?

merryhouse · 23/11/2019 14:50

"I've spent the last five years planning a once-in-a-lifetime trip as a milestone birthday treat to myself. Eighteen months ago I met my current partner, who is now saying it's selfish of me to go ahead with these plans. I've suggested they join me for a week but it's not feasible for them. Should I cancel to prove my love?"

BackforGood · 23/11/2019 15:04

What FableFronds said.

Yes, YABU (as you asked in your OP, I know this is in Relationships)

By turning it round, as Merryhouse has done, you'd get a lot of people criticising the person wanting to 'change' the traveller if that were you.

notacooldad · 23/11/2019 15:13

Blimey, it's only 5 weeks he is going for.
I have been with my Dh for nearly 30 years and have always traveled for several weeks each year with out him. I love him more for never stiffling me and let me travel. I do of course go away with him and the children but every now and then I need to travel alone. It makes me happy.

You've only been with your bloke for 18 months I know you haven't said anything to him but I would be pissed off if my partner was moaning to her friends about something that is important to me.

My dream before I met DH was to go to Peru. It is not DH's dream at all. Over the years I didn't get there for many reasons. However I finally got my chance about 7 years ago and went for 6 weeks. I loved every minute, I still love Dh, he liked hearing about my trip so everyone was happy!

Original poster
Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 15:27

Ok thanks for your opinions. It has really helped

OP posts:
Original poster
Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 15:32

@Rainbowshine. It just happened naturally that he was living with me....it wasn't discussed or anything. He asked for us to go on holiday as a family which we arranged then he informed me he was going with his daughter and we were no longer invited....no reason given. So that caused a bit of an issue and he moved out. That was in August and we only see each other once or twice a week now and ive not seen his daughter since 😔

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 23/11/2019 15:42

That's not good - no explanation about changing your holiday arrangements.
That shows a lack of total respect or love. And worse he moved out as if in a huff.
Now you're down to twice a week 😳
Not good enough.
I'd be telling him to sling his hook till he's grown up.

The holiday as it was booked before you met is just one of those things.

But the other suff are great big RED flags !!!

Original poster
Mojocatlady · 23/11/2019 15:47

@robin2323 well he left and went to his mums so I just got all his belongings together for him. The holiday wasn't booked before we met....he told me about wanting to do it. This is the thing....its not just the holiday 😔.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/11/2019 15:48

Is he still committed to this?

He's moved out, you don't see him very often anymore, you don't ever see his daughter and he's booked a five week trip without you?

Rainbowshine · 23/11/2019 15:51

From your last update I have to ask whether you have had good conversations about your relationship with him at all? You seem to want very different things from each other and have different levels of commitment to this as well.

I don’t think stopping him from going travelling (like you can stop a grown adult from doing something) won’t turn him into the person you want him to be, with the same outlook and commitment that you wish for.

Rainbowshine · 23/11/2019 15:53

Sorry typo I meant will turn him into

Hopefully that makes sense

Basically he’s not as into this as you are

End it and find someone more suited to what you’re looking for

notacooldad · 23/11/2019 16:04

Your update puts a different spin on things.
The holiday it self wouldn't be an issue in my opinion

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/11/2019 16:11

The holiday isn't an issue but the relationship clearly is.

What was the explanation when he let you down with the family holiday?

19434H0bN0bDunk · 23/11/2019 16:19

He's gone traveling for 5 weeks

Has his daughter gone traveling with him or stayed at home with someone else ?

It sounds like he is trying to lead a single person life

Does he pay maintenance for his child ?

MilliiMoo · 23/11/2019 17:22

OP his holiday is not the issue , your and his relationship is the issue. He has withdrawn somewhat from it, Keeping his daughter away from you is odd too. Have you not asked him why?

DianaT1969 · 23/11/2019 17:26

When he moved in with you, without it being discussed, did he pay his way? Half of the rent/utilities/council tax/food etc?
Or did he sponge off you a bit?