AUBU - My husband went out last night and.....

[Northernlurker]

Came home at 5 am having had a fantastic time.

He was mildly intoxicated but hasn't vomited all over the house, wee'd in the corner or on the bed or crashed the car. I dropped him in town and he walked home.

He hasn't gambled our home away or spent money on lap dancers or drugs.

He sent me a couple of texts, through the evening and early hours, having ensured his phone was charged, so that I knew he was ok. I didn't explicitly ask him to do that btw but he knew he should.

He slept for a bit then has got up to fulfil his normal Saturday commitments and will be doing stuff around the house and cooking later.

AIBU to be shocked he has behaved in such a way?

Actually....

I'm not shocked, all of this is what I expect of him and he expects of me. He's not some ideal man, he has plenty of faults as do I but we are respectful and honest with each other. That's a fundamental.

I'm not posting this to be smug, it just really depresses me to read post after post on Saturdays and Sundays from women whose husbands and partners don't behave like this. Men who disappear and lie, leaving women and children frantic. Men who deceive or overindulge. Men who say they are going for a quick drink and reappear 14 or 20 hours later. Men who expect the world to service their hangover.

I wanted to post this to say that this is, I think, more like what's normal in a respectful relationship. If you are getting any less than this then you are being shortchanged. Do not accept it. It's not ok. There is no excuse to leave you frightened, deceived or stressed.

Please have a and then take a look at your life and try and think what you deserve out of the relationship. It's a lot more than you're getting.

Your DH strolled in at 5am and got up to deal with life so you've gone all Oprah Winfrey and think this entitles you to stand on a platform and tell other women what they should expect and what they should tolerate? 😂😂😂😂 thanks for giving me a laugh on a Saturday night. I think your husbands knighthood must be in post for being such a superstar and coming home BEFORE the sun came up 😂😂😂😂

What a lucky ducky you are 🤔🤭👏

Why would he text you through the evening and early hours? Don't you trust him?

OP, am with you, it’s so sad to read many times about men being so bloody awful and I don’t blame or judge the women in relationship with them, just wish they had happier lives

Good post op

I’m trying to be brave and searching for words of kindness - This post made me feel more alone than ever. Anyone who needs help and reads this please don’t blame yourself for ‘letting him get away with it’. We have four kids 7 and under, I love him, I won’t leave him. He rarely goes out for the exact reason I’m in tears and desperate for support from someone - anyone!
His friends just had a baby and had moved away so when they suggested a group meet up I thought it would be different (there were several small children attending- hindsight... etc). He had been ill but I thought he would regret not seeing his old friend so pushed him to go with me. Lo and behold two pints in - ‘I’m going to stay out for one more - there’s blah blah and blah coming and I would like to see them (standard excuse)’ but needing to get our youngest home for dinner I couldn’t be bothered to argue. Besides that morning he said he was too ill to leave the house - I’m sure he won’t stay out late. Gets to 9.30pm (we went out at 3pm) - I send one text ‘You don’t have your house keys, I’ll probably go to bed at 11 can you stay at a friends if you’re not home by then?’ (Should’ve left the key under the mat, I know!) He calls me, says he won’t be long (don’t believe him but whatever should be fine). I don’t sleep, baby wakes up etc... doze off around 2.30am. Woken at 6.50 by slamming bedroom door and scent of brewery... ‘How did you get in?’. ‘I broke the fing door you stupid c’ Apparently not hearing my phone ringing silently or him knocking on the front door two floors down is my fault. He then threw my phone across the room, said ‘you better check it’s not broken , stupid c*’ - to which I left the room to check the state of the front door before the kids got up. (He had forced open the garage roller and smashed his way through the inner door).
I’m now sitting here praying the kids don’t wake him because I’m terrified of him shouting at them.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just a place to share I guess.
When we first met he would disappear for days, gamble, drugs. It’s slowly got better. Now he goes out drinking maybe once every 2 months, hasn’t touched anything illicit in years. He works hard, he’s a nice guy apart from these blips - and now I’m rationalising. He’ll wake up probably around 1 or 2pm full of guilt and he’ll come home tomorrow with flowers swearing he’ll never do it again. I NEVER go out without at least one child. I don’t drink because I would be expected to care for the children as per usual.
Tell me I’m not alone. Tell me that once in a while is ok.
Love from a sad lonely mama x

@Lia311211 please started your own thread in relationship.
Every one will see it there and you will get the support you need .
Safe safe and phone 999 if this has got worse

My husband is the same, I don’t drink. He does. I don’t expect him to come home sober at 9pm after a night out. And I don’t much care that on the odd occasion he does have a night out if he’s hungover the next day. I always feel so sad for these people who’s husbands don’t come home, don’t text, take drugs etc. It’s sad.

@Lia311211 these "blips" are the real him, not a different person that inhabits his skin once in a while

Your partner is abusive. The only acceptable amount of abuse you should be expected to tolerate is zero

Well, everyone has different expectations of themselves and others. So what’s right for one person is not necessarily right for everyone.

DH goes out maybe once a year. Meets his work friends for the Christmas do at around 7pm. Never drinks. Drives home by midnight latest. Usually gets home earlier, between 10 and 11. Then ‘starts his evening’ by ordering a takeaway to enjoy with me.

He’s always been like it and it’s a standard he sets himself.

I go out maybe once every 2-3 years. Stay out until around 1am. I’ll have a few drinks and DH will pick me up to bring me home.

We are both in our late 30’s and very respectful of one another.

I don’t generally think our way is the right way or the wrong way though. I just think we are all different. This works for us and makes us happy.

If others like to go out twice a week and stay out until 8am, getting drunk...well if everyone is ok with that then fine.

Problems arise when a couple aren’t on the same page. When one person knows their actions will hurt/worry/affect the other and doesn’t care. When they don’t let you know they’re safe, or when they come home so drunk they cause mess for you to clean as they’re just too drunk.

As an example. If DH said to me ‘I’m out tonight, I’ll be probably having a few drinks and letting my hair down. I don’t expect to be home until the very early hours and will text you if I decide to stay at Phils’ Then that’s perfectly OK.