Partner & I arguing

[GoodMornin]

Hello all!
Our gorgeous baby boy was born 5 months ago. He had a difficult birth and my partner has had some issues surrounding that (ptsd).
Since his birth I feel we have gradually grown further apart, started to argue more and I feel such a loss of connection between us now.
She insists that this is normal for new parents and that we don't argue more than other couples. But I just feel something isn't right and almost As though we are just 2 people living our lives in parallel.
I feel that we disagree on certain parenting things and I feel she dominates and never listens to me or my opinions or suggestions.
Does anyone have a similar experience?

Yes, this happened to me and my husband and our communication had dwindled. We worked hard at being honest with each other and it gets so much better after the first year. In fact, when I spoke to my cousin (who has three babies) she told me and her husband have a pact where for the first year they agree they'll not divorce or split up, bevause they know they'll think they want to but after a year, they don't anymore. I don't know if this will make you feel better but hopefully it does.

Communication is key here, don't let the resentment build up.

That's actually really helpful. Thank you

Having a child brings a big change into any relationship and it takes a while for everything to rebalance and some sort of new regime to set in.
Also - the needs of the baby in the first year are so intense - the relationship between adults does for a short time become less of a priority. Add to that exhaustion of sleepless months and you have a recipe for people thinking there is a deep issue in the marriage.
So - buckle up and give it time.

Secondly - on what you said about her ignoring your parenting suggestions and disagreements on such.
I am going to be sexist and presume she is the mother and you are the father. And that she is at home with the baby, while you work. And that it is the first baby for both of you.
So on that basis - with the baby being only 5mo - and your W being the primary caregiver who is just finding her feet - I’d lay off of trying to fight for some sort of parental parity.
First - neither of you really know what’s what yet, so this is really a useless power struggle
Second - she is probably spending more time with the baby and knows it better than you
Third - whatever it is you disagree on - say routine, or ways to do X,Y,Z - multiple approaches most likely are possible - and it’s more important that she feels comfortable with what she is doing - because, most likely, it’s going to be her doing it most of the time....

This misbalance may seem unfair a bit, but it’s practical and would get you through the hardest first year. It will shift sooner than you think.

Post delivery, life is extremely hard. You're basically doing the minimum to stay keep the baby alive, provide money, try and clean the house. Tasks become priorities and relationships between parents can suffer. Lots of time there is frustration between parties about how much the other one is doing (or they believe should be doing). This causes much angst.

You have a baby = very important. However, don't neglect your relationship. It's something you need to actively address.

What are you actively doing to support her with her PND/PTSD? Are you supporting her to see GP, HV and get external help, have a break, get some sleep? Or just telling her that she should be doing things your way and then getting pissed off that she's not doing so?

DS3 is nearly 5 months and DH very seriously told me today he'd like a divorce. We havnt spoken since but I am planning on gently reminding him that we had this exact conversation when our twins were about 6months old (he announced it to my family on holiday that time..).

I wish they'd discuss these issues in the antenatal classes. So many relationships could be saved if there was a better understanding of the strains a baby puts on a relationship.

@newyearoldme
She is having a lot of input from a psychologist, psychiatrist and also CPN who she is finding really helpful.
I think I'm supporting her pretty well really, I do the vast majority of the child care and house hold tasks, have taken baby to my parents house a couple of times to give her a proper break over night to catch up with sleep and relax.

@MMmomDD yes you are being pretty sexist to assume the above.
I am the main care giver

OP - you seem a bit jumpy.
Your post is unclear and mentions wife who has given birth. And I clearly said that this is why I am assuming you are the husband. And that’s an assumption.
(And as a side note - if you come anywhere for advice - making your post less vague on important details of the situation may be helpful)

If you are both female and she is the one who has given birth but now she is back at work and you are the main caregiver - it’s probably a bit more complicated. But still the point about not making daily parenting decisions a battleground stands.
Neither of you is more of a parent IF the baby gets this or that routine, etc. And - truly - there is no one correct way for anything.
Same applies if you are a stay at home husband of a working wife.

The other bit that is also still relevant is that the first year in the baby’s life - baby is the center of the relationship. And you need to realise and accept that. It will change.

It's not sexist necessarily, 99.9% of posts will be from mums who are the main care giver about their husband who works full time on mumsnet so fairly safe assumption to make, although clearly not full proof.

I felt the same - that my husband would try to take over and boss me around when I was in the first few months of maternity leave and really, I think that's because he wanted to be involved and had done his own research and had his own ideas of what to do. I felt put out, he felt left out, neither of us were rested and we were both so grumpy and knackered that it was a perfect environment for relationship breakdown.

We both decided to take a step back and I, as the main care giver on mat leave, had to make the decision to allow my husband to make some of the decisions and for me to go along with them unless there was a really good reason not to. Sometimes trying something was all I needed to do to show I trusted his opinion. If it didn't work in the way he was hoping, she didn't sleep or whatever, well fine, back to the drawing board. And if it did, then great. Win win.

It's such a tough time, be nice to each other and cut her some slack. If she's given birth 5.months ago and is back at work already (if you're the main care giver) she's probably struggling with guilt or social expectations about motherhood, and then she comes home and feels left out of the child raising too.