Controlling relationship

[Rottweilerpuppy]

I have been married for just over 20 years with 3 children to a man who I have come to realise is very controlling and verbally abusive. He says he loves me and i really do not want to get divorced but i am struggling with living this life. All the articles i have read about the type of behaviour he displays say i should leave him. However, given marriage is very important to me, does anyone have any experience of turning a controlling relationship into a healthy one?

In what ways is he controlling and abusive?

He monitors my every move from my whereabouts to spending (no financial independence) and makes it difficult to be with friends and family. Sometimes he won’t talk to me for days on end, stares through me as though I am invisible and then when he does speak it is aggressive and usually ends up telling me I am worthless. I Never quite know what the atmosphere will be like when I enter the house. Other times however he is relaxed and loving this positive mood may continue for weeks until I do or say the wrong thing. The children seem happy and unaffected by any tensions.

with this level of controlling abuse you cant

how on earth can your children be unaffected they just dont know differently

Does he monitor them

You can't fix it. I tried. It was more awful than words can explain. Get out.

Have you ever called him on it? I think you should get away from him for a bit if you can x

No he doesnt monitor the children.

How do you fix a nasty human being? You don't. He's a rotten person. It's just who he is. And you should ditch his rotten ass.

over 20 years of abusing you OP... NO he will not change...

No, honey. You can't fix this. He is damaged, irrevocably, unless he wants to change. And why should he? He has you just where he wants you. Your only chance at true happiness is away from him. I'm sorry.

rotterweilerpuppy
You cannot change anything, it's not possible to change another person's behaviour. You cannot change a controlling relationship into a healthy one. All you can change is your reaction.
You've been with him for 20 years, do you want to spend the next 20 years and beyond living with this abusive coercively controlling behaviour?
If I were in your shoes I'd try to start making plans to escape.

I'm sorry I don't have the answers but am sending lots of love and a little understanding. I too have been married for just over 20 years and we have two teenagers. My husband isn't aggressive or malicious but I can hardly do anything without him having an opinion on it and telling me how I should be doing things better or differently. He doesn't control where I go or who I see but has taken over so much of what I do. It's incredibly wearing and I've struggled with depression for years as a result. We started marriage counselling in September which is helping.

Research narcissistic personality disorder. You will have your answers i think. Look on Quora. Big community online you will get help and support. You deserve better as a human being.

No, you can’t fix this. You can only leave. He can make it hard but he can’t make it impossible.

Of course your kids will be aware. You're modelling what a relationship looks like to them. The controlling, the moods. Is that you want them to think is normal? The walking on eggshellls - if you're doing it, they will be too.

I was in a relaitonship with a similar man - logged me on findmyfriends, estranged me from friends, stopped talking to me for days, excessively jealous, controlling around clothes etc. I didn't live with him, and my children completely saw through him.

He won't change. If you can't leave for yourself, do it for your children

You've been with him for 20 years OP. He won't change. .

Your only way forward here is to leave him. It is not possible to change such a relationship into a more healthy one; this is who he is and he will not change. You cannot rescue and or save this marriage, you can only help your own self and your children ultimately.

What lies behind this idea of you not wanting to get divorced, where has this come from?. Your H has totally disregarded your marriage vows by abusing you throughout your entire marriage; he targeted you and deliberately so. You likely do not want to leave because of fear of him, fear of the unknown, money worries along with other reasons. He has instilled all this within you as well.

Your children are all too aware of what is going on; you cannot even begin to shield them properly from his abuses of you. They will be affected by all this going on around them, for them their home too is an abusive home rather than the sanctuary it should be.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your own father treat your mother similarly?.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like yours; no you would not. But what you are doing here is teaching them that currently at least, this from their father is still acceptable to you on some level.

Its no legacy to leave these young people because they could also emulate this control or be victims of coercive control in their own relationships too.

Sorry but it seems v unlikely he'll change.

Divorce is no shame. It's unfortunate and it's not what anyone wants but it happens a lot. Better than being in an unfair, unhappy, stressful situation all the time.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that".

Very insightful/useful (it covers physical abuse but is excellent on all types of controlling and abusive behaviour).

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

(focus on controlling behaviour from page 158).

Hello, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s is if incredibly painful and difficult. I suggest reading Why Does He Do That, Lundy Bancroft - you can find copies online. Thanks please try reaching out to women’s aid or some other organisation - I wish I had got help soon and I imagine to get out after a few years. Contrary to what most people think, research shows it’s harder to leave abusive relationships that happy ones - due to traumatic bonding, a biological event similar to Stockholm syndrome. Anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship - abuse is just another word for control, even if it doesn’t come across as mean or aggressive. Someone who seems passive and nice can also be abusive if they are manipulative. Any kind of controlling behaviour is abuse. And abusers typically control and abuse children too because they see people in the family and their partner as prized possessions rather than living, feeling human beings. The only way to heal is to build up your connections with people who are not abusing you, and finding understanding through people trained in abuse. Anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship - as much as people like to shame victims of abuse for being with abusive men because they can not tolerate their own vulnerability (congratulations to anyone who judges women who stay, you are supporting the arguments and position of the abuser everytime you open your mouth ). Abusers don’t change, they feel entitled to control and don’t have any empathy for their victims. Abuse isn’t love but love is possible. I have been out for a few years and so much happier now.

Sorry for typos, typed quickly on my phone/

A marriage with abuse is like comparing sex to assault. Not the same and he broke his marriage vows a long time ago by choosing to harm you. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

I don't think you are ready to accept that it won't change. So, here's a way to find out that is entirely within your own control. Go out. Lots. Make new friends. Ignore sulks and huffs. No rewarding them with pandering to his desires. Make the bad behaviour ineffective. Make it not control you. Get control of more finances. See how that goes.

the lundy book is linked to below. read it.

I did read it years ago. But because it was linked have had a look, with the lens of being the (right) side of an abusive relationship. My God. I wish I knew all of that when I started seeing my ex.

And yes, it's not abuse, it's about control. Mine started off controlling who I saw, what I wore, sex, making comments about my job, my friends, my kids. Lundy says they don't set out to abuse, but they do set out to control. (and god the chapter which about the early signs - my ex to a tee - from complaining about his exes, acusing them of abuse, oversharing sordid details about his ex (why did I not think that was wrong) to nicely "feeding back" about my clothes, my pubic hair, my friends and my kids. And he says jealousy is always a massive red flag about abuse - my ex thought I was having affairs with everyone I went out with - including the women!).

Sorry I've digressed - I really recommend reading it OP.

And you say in your OP that you can't get divorced. Why is that? Why do you think it's a problem to get divorced?

You are extremely misguided if you think your children don’t notice this. Or if they’re too young to see it, they soon will. You are doing them a massive disservice by staying with such an abusive bully. Take it from someone who lived through it as a child - it will cause them lifelong problems. You all deserve better.

I Never quite know what the atmosphere will be like when I enter the house

You are deluded if you think this is not identical for your children.