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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partners ex girlfriend

9 replies

EmilieMichelle · 22/11/2019 13:01

Hello, this is my first post on here. Was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to deal with my partners ex girlfriend?
Me and my partner have been together for roughly a year and a half. We are buying our first house together and are expecting a little girl March 2020. His ex has always caused problems in our relationship as she is very controlling and everything has to be on her terms. She has changed days and dates he is meant to have his son (who is 3) last minute, she constantly has a go about how he is a part time dad but she goes out every friday night drinking and her parents babysit 4 nights a week for her. She used to ring him at the begginging of our relationship claiming their son was ill and when he would go round he was absolutely fine and she would try it on with him.
She has just found out that we are moving in together and are expecting a baby and has turned nasty and vicious. She is now saying she will stop my partner from seeing his son, says she deserves to know exactly whats going on with us, our moving date, our new address, babies due date. I respect the fact she wants to know her son is safe and wants to know where he is and I understand she may be hurting from this but I feel frustrated, annoyed and very emotional about it all. My partner is a wonderful father, always goes out his way to do what he can to help his ex, buys his son clothes when he needs them as well as paying child maintenance and has regular contact with his son. He is feeling really upset and down by all of this and everytime he tries to talk sensibly about this, his ex flies off the handle and starts swearing and shouting at him. Any advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated as my emotions where already all over the place trying to juggle moving house plus being pregnant, now that there is all this from his ex going on this has made me even more emotional.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 22/11/2019 13:16

So her child was no more than 1 and a half when you got together? Wait till you have a baby and then think about how you'd feel.

VapeVamp12 · 22/11/2019 13:19

She sounds very jealous. Do you know why they broke up in the first place?

Your partner needs to be firm and set boundaries.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2019 13:21

What caused them to split when their baby was so little?

pictish · 22/11/2019 13:23

Well why did they split up?

EmilieMichelle · 22/11/2019 13:26

They broke up because when she was 5 months pregnant with their son she told him there was actually a chance it could be someone elses baby as she had cheated on him. When he done the DNA and it showed that it was his son he tried to make things work for his sons sake but she was cheating again on him with the same bloke she cheated on him before with.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 13:34

She realised she'd screwed up and is angry at you for being the girlfriend she couldn't be.

Get a formal contact order in place.

She does need to know your address so that's not unreasonable and maybe she's thinking you'll need to lean on her for childcare when moving and in labour.

I can understand why she's struggling (though it doesn't give her an excuse to be nasty) so just get things formalised.

Clangus00 · 22/11/2019 13:34

Dad needs to seek legal advice and get a court order for meaningful, consistent contact with his son.

aSofaNearYou · 22/11/2019 13:41

Well in all honesty I do think you have moved a bit fast. After a year of being with my partner (presumably around the time you fell pregnant) I was still feeling quite patient about his ex situation but it's not long enough to know how you will feel about it in the long run, and I think you are now finding it's a bit more to put up with than you expected, but now you are tied to this man. It's very messy and not an ideal time to bring another child into the mix.

Given that that's already happened, though, your partner will have to set very firm boundaries, get a formal arrangement, and not engage. Make sure he has an official contact agreement for his son and only reply to messages that are about organising those times. She is jealous and meddling, and he needs to demonstrate that they are now no more than coparents and he isn't going to engage with her about other things.

If he won't do those things then it will only get worse and it will impact your daughter.

RLEOM · 22/11/2019 17:22

Despite reading what you've said, I still agree with @BillHadersNewWife as she might've not been thinking right whilst pregnant and now regrets her actions. I was nuts during pregnancy and for a good 6 months after. Did some awful things (not cheating) that I now regret and miss my old relationship and the life my daughter was meant to have. I would find it hard to accept if I was in a similar position. Also, there's two sides to every story - do you know hers?

I'm just hoping your partner has staying power because it would be a shame for him to have another baby whose father is absent. 🤞 for you.

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