It's not really "drama" is it?

[ihateryansworld]

What would you say about this?

Known husband 15 yrs. he's 9yrs older than me. We have 4 lovely kids and I'm very lucky to be a stay at home mum.

He works in a high managerial/owner position.

The problem is sometimes he speaks to me like I'm the village idiot. For example. Recently I rang our accountant to get some info about tax deadlines etc. The information I brought back to DH wasn't exactly what he wanted so I emailed accountant to get him to send on the rest of the info we needed.

Accountant didn't do it. I forgot to chase it up. This am 3 weeks from the original request. dH asked did accountant come back to me. When I said no and
Offered to ring him straight away, he walked off mumbling that he would do it himself otherwise he will just get half the story again.

Another example, we had a new bathroom fitted. I got 3 quotes from 3 different companies and he choose the middle quote. I arranged all the work and it was completed. However after using bathroom a few days it began to leak. DH was really pissed off and told me I had to get it sorted since I got the company.

When he talks like this he comes across as sneery and horrible.

I brought this to his attention and he told me I was being dramatic. In fact that's his response for anytime I question him or disagree with him. He tells me I'm being dramatic.

Is this gaslighting? Or how would you reply to this?

Thanks in advance.

"You seem to have mistaken me for your PA and receptionist, I'm not. If you want one of those, you should hire one."

Thank you Storm. I have stashed that one for the next confrontation.

Yes he seems to think that you are a member of his staff. Let him do the donkey work himself from now on.

Yep, he considers you staff.

I think he does. But I appreciate I need to pull my weight re things being done round the house. So I don't mind doing
Those things. But it's how he talks to me. How do I fix that!

How do you change his view of you as somewhat inferior and needing to be chided and shut up if you challenge him?

Get him a personality transplant? Lobotomy?

If he is a good husband and partner, he may not be aware he's doing it or the impact he has on you when he does it.

So a very calm, yet steely, 'you realise I am not a member of staff, don't you?' And then walk away, don't get into conflict, just call it out every time. Every time.

If he's actually a condescending prick who does it deliberately to bring you down, then same response - but consider if this is a red line for you. Ultimately, you can't change people. You can only change your reaction to them. Your reaction may include not doing things that benefit him, or leaving the relationship, for example. Mine would certainly include not progressing anything I was doing which provoked that reaction - so the accountant could hang and the bathroom could leak.

What is your reaction when he talks down to you ? My sister was in this position and it was only when she gave as good as she got that my BILs attitude changed .
His job was quite high powered so he was used to getting his own way there - if it spills over into the home it should be a level playing field . You can say what you like within reason . You say you are lucky to be a SAHM . That’s a full time job in itself and I bet in real terms you get less time off !
By all means take on the house management bits and pieces but if you do make sure you follow up and take the initiative sometimes .
Btw my sisters DH is now a pussy cat -took a while but he no longer talks down to her .

LonnyVonny. He is a good husband and father. That's why I wonder is he oblivious to the effect. I'm going
To tale your advice and call him on it every time. Thank you.

How old are the kids? Is housework, family admin etc something you do as part of being a SAHM or are they shared jobs?

I can understand him being annoyed if you'd been speaking the the accountant and hadn't bothered following up, to be fair.

The bathroom things a bit different because it's not your fault there's a leak, regardless of who booked the work.

Would you talk to a paid employee like that? Is what I'd be asking him.

Yeah that’s not on. You are not his employee and even if you were he shouldn’t speak to or treat you like that.

I never really pulled him on it before. I always just seethed quietly but I see now that is only making him worse as he can't see it bloody annoys me. I just need to start pulling him on it.

I'm not very good at confronting people so it's something I know I need to work on.
He is as a pp said used to getting his own way and people in work wouldn't really cross him.

I love when our 7 ur old confronts him or argues with him. You can actually see the disbelief in his face lol.

A bit of assertiveness then, and see that look again . It's certainly worth trying calling him on it. Each and every time.

Perhaps when you've addressed it seriously, you can start bobbing and pulling your forelock and taking the piss if he does it.

I'd actually talk about it when you are both relaxed over a glass of wine or something as in the examples you gave he was already pissed off which isn't always the best time to chat about things.

I'd say something like, when you tell me to do things instead of ask, when you walk away muttering when we were having a conversation, when you order me to do something instead of ask, when you blame me for something that is outside my control (given you're not a qualified plumbing project manager) it makes me feel disrespected at best and like you think we're in an employee / employer relationship at worst. Marriage is meant to be an equal partnership and it comes across like you dont value the contribution I make to you and our children when you speak to me like that. I am grateful for how hard you work to provide money for us but how would you feel if you got a bonus that wasnt as high as normal and I just walked off grumbling that it wasnt as good as I'd have liked and I may as well work myself? How would you like it if I ordered you to hand the money over every month like it was my right and got really pissed off at you if there was a slight delay?

If he says you're being dramatic I'd reply it's how you feel, you're supposed to be able to discuss how you feel in a marriage and point out you havent shown dramatic behaviour - you havent sworn, raised your voice, cried etc but you want him to know that its hurtful when he disrespects you

My sil said to her DH, 'right, clearly what I'm doing is not up to your standards. So you can do it yourself. Don't ask me to do things like this for you again, it's now entirely on you'.

And every time he asked her to do something like that, she'd say, 'nope, I don't do a good enough job for you, remember? So you get to do it all yourself now'. In a very sing song voice with a very chilly little smile.

(Do not piss off my sil. . .)

Pull him up on this, it's totally unacceptable. Also look at getting a job, just in case he doesn't get the message