Do I tell my partner of 11 years?? Please help

[Unknown1991]

Okay so me and my husband have been together 11 years but married for 4 year we have 3 kids together.

He is an angel, he would to anything for me, I love him dearly and wouldn’t want to hurt him but sometimes I just feel like his not enough.
Our sexual relationship has been adventurous in the past. But recently there is no sexual connection, no hugging, kissing, no holding hands or sex. But when we do (after months) lets just say it doesn’t live up to my expectations anymore. His only in his early 40’s. I haven’t got a high sex drive and neither has he.

Long story short basically we have had previous threesums (MMF) agreed on both parties. 1 male being his mate 1 year ago....
please don’t judge

Since then me and his mate have been messaging on and off.... sometimes daily sometimes monthly.... sometimes general chit chat but MOST times sexual.

Now... I’ve got to a stage where I need to address mine and hubby’s connection and talk to him about it because it’s now effecting our marriage but the Question I’m trying to ask is weather I should be upfront and honest with hubby and tell him about mine and his mates texting. I’ve never met up with his mate and have never had sex with him alone.
Please don’t be rude but be honest.
Thank you

In your situation I’d cut contract with the friend and put all my energies into my marriage. You can put the spark back in by where you put your attention.
Talk to your husband and tell him you want to reboot your relationship. Look up Daily Temperature Reading which is a really simple communication tool to build/ rebuild intimacy and connection.

If you don’t put in some effort you will never know if your relationship was salvageable.

Well only you know what your DHs response is likely to be. I think in most relationships texting like this would be a complete no no and would cause an absolute shit storm. However you’ve opened your relationship up in this way so you don’t have the traditional relationship in that sense. I think if you go down this road you need strict boundaries otherwise this situation has the potential to arise. I’m presuming that after your experience that you were either enamoured with having a new sex partner ( novelty) or he had better skills which you found more appealing? I don’t think I can say what you should do at this stage.... I think the potential for hurt is massive but the fact your DH was willing to share you with his friend to begin with may indicate someone who is less jealous or more magnanimous about these things.

Thank you for your message and honesty. Do you think I should be honest and tell hubby about the messages?

I think it depends what you want.
Do you want to have sex with the friend? Do you want another threesome? Or do you just want your sex life with your husband back?

The first 2, 100% tell him but be prepared for him to leave because you're basically cheating on him at the moment.

The 3rd one, maybe not.

Divebar- thank you for your message. Hubby has never been a jealous person. I suppose I have never gave him cause to. But if u was to tell him about these messages I feel like it would make him insecure.

He knows I message other men (with his consent) and when I say other men I mean 2 men we have met prior. There are boundaries in a sense where I don’t meet up with them or talk on the phone. It’s only via messages. And his okay with that but I feel I have betrayed him by messaging sexually with his mate which he hasn’t consented to.

Do you think I should tell him about these messages? And maybe why I done it
Thank you

@GiveHerHellFromUs thank you for your message.
I honestly don’t know. I don’t find his friend physically attractive.....far from it to be honest.
I think it’s the frill knowing it’s his mate. I would like more threesums and hubby knows that. It’s always been my fantasy (quite shockingly never met the expectations I thought It would) but there is something about 2 men wanting me that turns me on and makes me feel good.

It must be the attention I’m getting from his mate through messages because it’s nothing else. I don’t have him sexually or find him attractive so that’s the only thing I can think of.

Hubby means the world to me and I would
Never want to hurt him which is the reason why I don’t want to tell him but I know I have to.

@Unknown1991 maybe don't tell him yet then and just talk about your needs.

It doesn't sound like you don't have a high sex drive. It sounds like you're trying to have a low sex drive to suit DH.

@GiveHerHellFromUs in all honesty ild probably have a high sex drive if I enjoyed the sex. It sounds bad I know.

I think you should, yes.
It's only fair he knows what is going on.
How would you feel if it was the other way around.
Do you think you would have a right to know?
I think you need to get that spark back and 100% honesty and a clean slate is the only way to do it.

@hellsbellsmelons thank you for your message.
I agree with you 100% now you have put it in that context.
I appreciate your honesty. Thank you

**
ild probably have a high sex drive if I enjoyed the sex.

That's really sad to read. I think, if I was you, I'd stop all the sex. This comment, and the one about threesomes never living up to expectations, make it seem like you don't have the healthiest relationship with sex. That could be something to work on, alongside working on your marriage if you want to save it.

Otherwise you stand the very real risk of throwing your marriage away for some attention from a man that you don't find attractive, and didn't have satisfying sex with.

Some relationships, and people, can survive having sex with lots of different people, and being open in different ways. It doesn't seem like this is good for you right now though. Go back to it when you're in a better place in your relationship, mentally and sexually, if you want to.

If you can see a future with your DH and love him then you need to be upfront with him. He can then decide the way forward but you need to give him the opportunity to to this.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath thank you for your message.
I appreciate your honesty and your advice. Deep down I know your right. Normally we have such an open communication sex life. Some of my friends think it’s weird but in all honesty it worked for us. It brought us closer together.....AND funnily enough me and hubby were more sexual towards each other.

For some reason now sorry if it’s TMI.... he will get (IT) up.....we will have sex for 5 mins ish then he will start getting too hot so he will have to stop...,, (fair enough)

But then I’ll try and do my thang.... unsuccessfully because (IT) then starts to deflate.
At the end of it all (15 mins ish) he EITHER struggles to ejaculate and clothes go back on..,,, OR I have to give him a “helping hand” (if you know what I mean) then clothes go back in..... both in turn leaves me unsatisfied, with low self esteem and thoughts in my head.

I feel like this situation is un-resolvable in my eyes? Unless something is medically wrong.

@loveyoutothemoon thank you for your message. I know your right I do need to tell him. And tonight (on date night) is what I know I’m going to have to do.

As much as I’m scared of hurting him I know it’s what I need to do for my marriage to move forward

In most respects I would say no, but I think the EA you are having with your DH BF is part of the problem.
I am not sure how you can realistic say we need to improve things without saying what the problems are.
I know lying (by omission) is the easiest route, but at the end of the day it wont fix your problems, because you wont be sharing the causes.

It doesn't work though does it in the long run, if you catch feelings. I think you need to stop having an open relationship and concentrate on your husband. Did the sex problems come before the start of the open relationship?

It’s a difficult one, because it’s not like a typical EA, given that your DH consented to you having sex with his BF. And you say he is happy with you texting other men - are these sexual messages?
So I think on balance you should tell him, but stress the things you have told us too - that you are not actually attracted to the friend, that it’s just the feeling of being found sexually attractive that you enjoy - that you love DH very much (that seems clear from your texts) -AND that his ED is worrying you - I get that that is hard to say, but it probably does need to be said (gently, of course).

Thank you all for your messages yesterday @Ohyesiam @Divebar @GiveHerHellFromUs @hellsbellsmelons @AnchorDownDeepBreath @loveyoutothemoon @Cheeseandwin5. Each and everyone of you made me realise what I have to do.
Last night which was supposed to be date night and kids free I sat him down and spoke to him before we went out for dinner. I told him everything.
He took it better than I imagined, he is more mad the his BF didn’t tell him what was happening.
He was very understanding and said he is part to blame because of the threesums and allowing the BF to be apart of that. Also allowing me to message other men.
I stressed that it wasn’t his fault and that I took advantage and took it a step further.

Overall we are working on our marriage and moving forward. He is very understanding and forgiving (he said it would have been a different story if I was to have physical contact with him)
Again thank you all for your advice and support yesterday, you’ve all just saved my marriage!

I wouldn't have done that, I'dve been chicken lol, but glad it went ok. x

Is he overweight or something? That might make him find the exertion of sex hard work. In general. he could try and improve his fitness.

He probably should also see his doctor just in case there's anything wrong, though it'll probably be ok. Viagra is also worth a go- you can get it in Boots now. Best wishes xxxxx

@Interestedwoman I was so nervous to tell him!

Shitting it in-fact. But it was defo the right decision.
His not massive but he is overweight. I did bring it to his attention yesterday and I think it’s something we will work on (both of us)
Step by step we will get there.
Thank you xxx

ive been in this situation! Did you end up telling him and what was reaction ?