Low level issues chipping away...

[Dazedandconfused28]

I'll try & keep this as brief as possible - I'd love any advice people might have.

DH & I have been together 11 years, married 5 years & have a 1 year old. Ive just started a new job following maternity leave, my DH works away most of the week.

A little background - our lives are quite relentless - my job involves 4hrs commuting a day- so I get up at 5.15, drop baby at nursery at 7am then leave the office at 4ish to pick him up at 6pm, DH does drop off/pu on Fridays. I feel like I am not giving enough to my new job & battle constant guilt & insecurity that I am incompetent at work.

I know it's not easy for him either - but I feel resentful of my husband staying in a lovely hotel during the week - dinner out each night, cooked breakfast - undisturbed sleep.....

It's the age old story - Im also finding that when he's home I inevitably pick up most of the baby organisation & house admin - it seems to be a frustrating hangover from maternity leave - I 'know' the baby routines etc, so find myself doing most of the work. When DH picks up anything, it feels like I have to be appreciative & congratulate him somehow - whereas for me it is expected. Our house is a mess, but finding & booking a cleaner even feels overwhelming at the moment.

Last night DH got home at 7pm, same time as me, I had picked baby up, made his bottle, then prepared dinner while DH sat on the sofa & fed him, DH conveniently disappeared to the toilet for 20mins while I changed baby & got him to bed. DH then ate the dinner I prepared, then proceeded to break wind while I'm still eating & he just happily sits there as I clear plates - no questions about my day or anything. I feel wholly uncared for, unloved and unappreciated. Since having the baby I feel so unattractive I have no desire to have sex, so we have no intimacy whatsoever. We have little to talk about - he talks a lot about his work & I am genuinely interested in what is going on, but he never asks me about my new job & I feel like he simply doesnt care. Most of our conversation is him joking around, turning everything into a gag & so I feel unheard & like he doesnt listen or take me seriously. Im not blameless - my resentment bubbles over & I end up snapping & speaking unkindly - I am not myself

He loves our baby & is in awe of him - I just dont know how to improve our relationship & progress from the routine we find ourselves in. Has anyone experienced similar?

You need to talk to him. Say you feel upset as he's not asked you about your job. Pick a time which will be uninterupted, so after the baby has gone to sleep maybe.

It’s so shit when you’ve got a little one op, enough to break the strongest relationship. You need to tell him how you feel and both bear in mind that this is one of those “for worse” times that come up in the vows.

When DH is there you need to work as a team. We went through a similar thing when DS was born and it was only through dividing up the shit tasks that the intimacy came back - there’s nothing like simmering resentment to kill your libido.

I know you’re competent and it feels like it’s easier for you to do things but you’ve got to change that cycle now your circumstances have changed.

Midweek we both work so I cook but DH does dishwasher and wipe round. We take bed time in turns and while one is doing that then the other does house stuff - laundry, tidy up, whatever needs to be done. When DS was really young we had a daily list on the fridge.

We’ve got a cleaner and I do set jobs on my day off, it all helps to keep the show on the road.

I know it feels hard now op but you can change this for the better if you work together.

I learnt from experience this kind of career with long commutes and young children rarely mixes unless you are at the income level of a live in nanny. It’s one reason I gave up that kind of thing and worked within our business. It’s hard enough OP working full time with a little one, prioritise maybe something closer to home and less travel even if it’s a salary cut. Your H wouldn’t put up with your life if he was you

Regardless of your relationship with your OH, your work-life schedule it utterly punishing and you will not be able to sustain this long term without cracking under the pressure. You should direct your efforts towards finding a local job, as in a few years your child will be at school and someone will have to manage that. You could employ a cleaner/ aupair/ nanny to help at home, but you will remain exhausted from your schedule. You need to sit your OH down and make a schedule for domestic duties as you sound like a martyr doing the housework, the job, the parenting practically alone. The problem is that long term, it spells disaster as you will be so run down that you will stop functioning as a human being. Take it from one who knows, I did the super-mum of two, career, family business, carer of sick elderly routine for ten years...and burned out. My body gave up and I now have triggered genetic disorders that significantly impact on my daily quality of life. Don't get like me, change things while you can!

Your commute and daily routine sound unsustainable but only you can decide that. I'd suggest having an honest conversation with your husband over how tough you're finding everything and that he needs to take on more responsibility. You do not need to be the one finding and booking a cleaner, ask him if he can take that job. His answer will tell you everything about how willing he is to contribute more to family life. Can he also do Internet shopping for groceries while in his hotel room, or sort out Christmas presents for everybody? He's not physically there at home but there is a lot he can do from his hotel room/during his lunch break

I have worked away during the week staying in a hotel, and it's great from a point of view of having no household chores. My weekends were a flurry of catching up - washing, ironing, cleaning,odd-jobs around the house.
It sounds like you are effectively a single mother, with him contributing little other than financially.

You need to communicate to him that you are struggling. A nanny and a cleaner would be a huge help. You need more input from your husband.

Write him a letter in longhand telling him what you have told us. Don't give it to him, but go back and read what you wrote and make any changes. Do this a few times until you know exactly what you want to say and how to say it, so that you say it confidently and in an ' I feel that I could do with more support from you ...' not a ' You never support me ' sort of way. Keep the letter somewhere private in case you need it again.

Thank you for your really helpful responses.

Yes - I think my job will be unsustainable - it is a source of great regret to me, as it is my dream role, at an incredible organisation & has helped me regain some sort of identity post baby. But I think I have to accept that now is not the right time and prioritise my baby and sanity! I'm not sure a nanny or au pair is a possibility purely because we have a small 2 bed flat in which they would have to entertain the baby.

A cleaner would be great - our flat is so cluttered that I think I need to work on clearing it before anyone comes in, I be ashamed for it to be seen in its current state.

I absolutely know I am being a martyr - but don't seem able to snap out of it, I do plead (and shout!) for help - and my DH will do things when asked, but he never uses his initiative and I somehow see needing/ asking for help as a failing of some sort - it's madness.

I think I will write to him - thank you for that suggestion @MikeUniformMike - communication seems to have broken down, when I try to express how I feel, he takes it as criticism and it descends into an argument. I feel a bit hopeless, like it might not be possible for things to change.

Aghhhhh!!! No wonder you feel resentful and angry, he sounds like he has firmly placed himself in the role of your teenage son - you don't need that! You have got a dream job, lovely baby, place to live, and you need to start fighting for what you have. You're not failing, you're on overdrive and you shouldn't be picking up his slack, you're two adults living together, you're not a single mum..not yet anyway. Tell him to grow up, stop making stupid jokes, start asking you about your life and your day, grow a pair, clean up his act, or you might just need to move on. If he can't do that without descending into argument then you need to accept you have married a man child and decide on your next course of action.