Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

To think this is controlling

16 replies

Redheadwonder · 22/11/2019 00:03

My friend has a child with her ex the ex is now with another woman who he has a child with also.
Ex didn’t see his child for a year but has recently
Come back into her life and my friend has been great about it as she just wants her daughter to know her dad.
Recently ex’s gf has been the only one to text/WhatsApp my friend making arrangements for the baby and for the 5 of them to meet ( ex ex’s gf my friend and the two children. My friend is getting pissed off and has asked her ex to message her about Their own child. He has replied saying that his gf is the one that just messaged everyone as he is always busy working 🤨 I’ve said I find it odd a grown man can’t text and arrange contact with the mother of his child or ask if his own child is ok. Am I right here ?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2019 00:06

Do you imagine many people will disagree with you?

PeopleWhoRun · 22/11/2019 00:11

You are right.

Original poster

Redheadwonder · 22/11/2019 00:12

I don’t know my friend asked if she was right to be pissed off or just keep the peace with the gf for now.
I don’t want to give her bad advice. Like to add it was also ex’s gf who got in contact via Instagram to make bridges with my friend about her ex having contact, having said that he just doesn’t know how to contact her 🤨. I think it seems like she wants all the control/doesn’t like them communicating with each other

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 22/11/2019 00:14

It's nothing to do with you, who cares if you are right? What's the point? Do you want permission to lecture your friend on how to live her life better?

Is the woman herself going to post?

Original poster

Redheadwonder · 22/11/2019 00:17

No just wanted advice for her on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:

PeopleWhoRun · 22/11/2019 00:23

She just needs to weigh it up for herself.

Are they civil? Does it keep the peace?

Sometimes you've got to pick your battles.

If he has a good relationship with the child, it might be better to suck it up and arrange it with her.

But there is nothing wrong with her wanting the communication with the ex only.

If they're all going to be a part of the child's life, in the long run surely it's better to be on good terms with everyone as far as possible.

Personally I'd just be supporting your friend and letting her come to her own decisions

SandyY2K · 22/11/2019 00:24

I think the Exs new GF instigated him having contact with his child again. It doesn't sound like he's fussed either way.

I imagine during pregnancy and when the GF had her baby, she wondered how he could abandon his DC and was the driving force in all this.

I wouldn't say it's controlling, but the GF wants her baby to bond with the sibling and for everyone to have a good relationship. She knows that left to him, nothing would happen.

If I was the GF... it would be a warning of how easily he could do the same again and never look back.

30to50FeralHogs · 22/11/2019 00:26

I wouldn't say it's controlling, but the GF wants her baby to bond with the sibling and for everyone to have a good relationship. She knows that left to him, nothing would happen.

Nailed it!

Original poster

Redheadwonder · 22/11/2019 00:36

This is what doesn’t make sense as he was seeing the child up until he got with the new gf then my friend told me he stopped seeing his daughter got new gf pregnant then a year later she has just come out of the blue and contacted her.
We don’t understand why he did abandon her either, he just said he got overwhelmed 🤔

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 22/11/2019 07:52

Is she sure it really is the GF who is texting?

She is under no obligation to discuss anything about her child with anyone other than the father, and personally I'd have nothing to do with such drama if I were her.

I might feel differently if he left her and she then got in touch wanting to build a relationship between half-siblings. but at the moment? Your friend has no obligation to go along with the GF's game of happy families.

but ultimately it's up to her, not you.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 08:06

Firstly, it's none of your business.

Secondly, if the girlfriend is amicable and doesn't change plans last minute etc your friend is probably much better off dealing with her anyway.

Thirdly, it's probably the girlfriend who forced him to see his child.

Why does your friend actually have an issue? Is it the 'step mom' complex?

Realistically if he and the new girlfriend were to split he'd to another disappearing act. This way at least the siblings will still be able to grow up together.

LemonTT · 22/11/2019 08:10

He left your friend because he didn’t want to be with her. He met someone else who he now wants to be with. He decided to give her all his attention at the expense of his first child. He is gutless to do this.

There are now 2 siblings, 2 mothers and a useless father. One of the mothers wants actively to encourage a relationship between the siblings.

The father is going along with it but doesn’t want the bother. He is gutless.

Your friend is rejecting the opportunity because of the behaviour of the father. She is probably wrong to resent the other mother and not to recognise the sibling connection.

AgentJohnson · 22/11/2019 08:31

Given your friend’s Ex’s flakey history, it’s strange that her conclusion is that the gf is being controlling, rather than the more plausible, he’s still a lazy.

If this man’s relationship with his child is dependent on his gf doing the heavy lifting, then you need to reconsider if it’s in her child’s best interest.

The child needs consistency and this man is anything but consistent.

Winterdaysarehere · 22/11/2019 08:35

When I was a sm, if I hadn't been in contact with the ex he wouldn't have bothered seeing his dc...
Their dc certainly would have missed out on stuff my dc did. He had no clue... Still doesn't that's why he is my ex!! Crappy rubbish df.
Also why I never had dc with him.
Your friend should look on it as the gf is making sure the dc have a decent relationship. If he is a lazy twat it will come back to bite him eventually....

RLEOM · 23/11/2019 00:09

I would find it odd if my ex's gf was the only one messaging to arrange contact. I'd expect my ex to contact me. However, we've only been apart for a year and he's only been with her for 8 months, so I'm not sure if I'd feel the same a few years down the line.

Divebar · 23/11/2019 00:21

I wouldn’t deal with the gf personally. I’d expect my ex to do it... if he’s not bothered I’d rather that be determined now rather than the kids being dropped in a year or two when the gf realises what a dickhead he is. Whatever her intentions her actions are masking his real feelings about contact - I would want to see him out in the open as it were

Flip