Kids at risk from being taken from mum, please offer suggestions

[5abi]

Hi guys

I am posting this on behalf of my sister who I have asked a hundred times to come on here and start a post.

My sister is divorced and has 2 girls, 10 and 7. The ex is a real piece of work and is mentally unstable narcissist who spends every minute making my sister miserable. There has never been any closer since the divorce 6 years ago because of the kids, but its really taken a toll on her. She is constantly depressed and has had some troubling thoughts recently.

She really is trying to keep things together. She has found a job and is looking after herself and the kids as best as she can. The ex is now claiming custody through court and dragging her into court proceedings again. This has happened a number of times and at this time, she really has no strength to go to court all over again. She allowed the kids to see their father on weekends and it was all agreed through court, but he really poisons the girls with hate for her whenever they stay with her. This is apparent when the girls return to their mum after a weekend.

There is too much detail in all of this and I will ask my sister once again to come and tell her story here. She needs ideas, suggestions on how to deal with the situation and of course your well wishes.

Long story short, she needs help in accessing legal aid so she can fight this man in court. The law firm she uses are asking for full payment without any legal support. She has been able to save a little money over the years for a rainy day which will all be wiped out with court proceedings.

Can anyone please suggest if there are ways where she can get the representation that won't wipe her out?

I wanted to put this out because I am at a loss on how to do this. We have emailed the citizen's advice bureau to get some advice but we are in a queue to I don't know when they will respond.

Please do share some ideas and suggestions, much appreciated.

It sounds like a very difficult situation and I sympathise with your poor sister. When you're dealing with a narcissist it can be so exhausting and intimidating.
I can offer some small pieces of advice from my own experience that have helped me manage, but it would also be good to maybe show her some threads on here which have been on a similar subject and have received empathetic, helpful responses. When you are in the grips of something so difficult, it can consume you and make everything seem very hopeless.

In my own experience, narcissistic bullies feed off of your upset and fear reactions from their behaviour. Once you remove the evidence that what they are doing is working, their behaviour starts to (slowly) lessen because you aren't providing them with the satisfaction of that response any more. It's why they advise you to go 'grey-rock' with anyone like this. Don't show emotion when you interact with them. Don't give them any hint that what they are doing affects you in any way. Speak as briefly and as neutrally as you can with them. Often, if information needs to be exchanged for contact purposes, a 'handover book' can be really useful. It means that you can write any detailed information needed in there (eg confirming pick up and drop off times, any medicines needed, any additional notes) and keep actual face to face conversation brief. It has he added benefit of ensuring that your interactions in front of the children are brief but polite and they see no negative behaviours.
It's awful that he's manipulating the girls, and the is something called parental alienation. It's an awful thing to do, and your sister should record anything that is said to her by the girls or any behaviours that have stemmed from him bad-mouthing her. It should also be treated as a type of emotional abuse towards her daughters. It is harmful, confusing and upsetting and needs to stop. She can and should report any of these instances to children's services. It doesn't matter how minor it seems at the time, it can help to build up a bigger picture. Her local area will have a contact number for her children safeguarding team and she could really do with speaking to a trained professional about the things that he says and does to create this bad feeling, and how much it affects them. It can be hugely beneficial in court to show that she has reported any concerns she has about his parenting and the wellbeing of her daughters to children's services to obtain advice and ensure the correct services are aware of the emotional abuse her girls are experiencing.
When it comes to speaking to her daughters about this, whilst I'm sure she feels hurt and defeated by their current negative feelings towards her, encourage her to be loving, tender and understanding. Let her know that what they need is her to be stable and open and to say 'I'm sorry to hear he's said bad things. They aren't true and it must be upsetting to hear them. Sometimes when people are angry they can say mean things, but it's important to know that I love you and will always be here doing my best for you.' Get her to reassure them that they can talk about anything no matter how worrying it is, as what they need is to be able to express themselves even if they're worried what they've had said to them will hurt her feelings.
She can represent herself in court if she feels able.
If not, barristers can charge a one-off fee for court representation rather than lengthy work done with a solicitor. It will mean that she needs to ensure she is on top of any court paperwork but regular phone calls to them to make sure they have everything they need from her can help with that. She can then contact barristers to see who can represent her on the day and the fee they would charge. They then just meet her day before the case is heard to go through the paperwork and get an understanding of the case before they go on to present it.
This man is abusive. It must be incredibly hard but she needs to dig deep and protect her girls now. She can do this. She needs to find it in herself to separate her sadness fro the forward situation and now focus on proving that he isn't a fit parent to look after their daughters, that she is a good and caring mother who is doing her best to protect them, and that where they are best off is at home.
Sorry, that was long, and I'm happy to answer any questions if I've rambled on and I'm unclear about anything!

Thank you so much saveallyourkisses.

This is definitely very good advice and not very dissimilar to the advice I have been giving her. She is emotionally drained. I am asking her to sign up here asap and be part of the conversation.

I also forgot to mention there is history of domestic abuse that has been documented 3 or 4 times with the police. This has been going on since 2005.

He really does feed off her misery, that is so true. He is mentally unstable. I used to beleive he is bi-polar but he isnt, he is like this ALL the time.

Thanks for your advice saveallyyourkisses, that indeed is useful advice. I've joined this website in my brother's recommendation, I've received papers from the court last week and has indeed sent in a spiral of hopelessness and darkness in dealing with this case. I do feel emotionally drained with all this I'm going through at the moment. Therefore I asked my brother to help me seek advice from forums to help me deal with the situation at hand. You have given us a really good advice in relation to seeking help from children's services/social services to seek some advice from them to make my case stronger and one-off charges to pay a barrister to represent me in court. I'm in the process of gathering my old crime references and reports with all the domestic violence and emotional abuse, harassment, stalking and bullying reported by the police and he had been arrested once for such crimes. My gp had shown concerns in the past of possible signs of molestation by father, which I'm in the process of collecting. I just noticed this evening my youngest daughter put up a film that showed a story of some girl being raped by someone at a party she went as a child. This is a very disturbing and alarming matter that my girls have brought to my attention and informed me that it was their father who suggested them to watch this movie, which contained content of adult related information. Had to interject and ask them to stop watching it as it is not appropriate. Therefore, I dont know what to do at this stage, whether I should let my girls go their dad's tomorrow or should involve the social services immediately to not allow him to take my children to spend time with him? Almost every other weekend when my kids come back then seem to watching material on TV that is off heavy adult nature.

I will be posting more questions here as I need help to gather all the information I need to claim sole custody of my children in court

Hi Op. I was in a similar situation and I am 3 years out but it still continues. I understand the level of anxiety and stress this brings. The only real help I can offer is something I saw on here recently that I try to keep in my head when I get panicky, which is KEEP CALM and only deal in facts it helps.

She may be eligible for legal aid depending on financial circumstances if she has evidence of domestic abuse.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/legal-aid-for-family-law-matters/

womans aid helpline will be fabulous help google them !

She has several options but would be best getting proper advice on those options like the CABx for example. Her local DV organisation may have access to solicitors or be able to signpost her signpost her.

She can contact Rights of Women who offer free legal advice re family law.

There's also the Bar Pro Bono Unit 020 7092 3960 who are Barristers who can give free advice and representation in any court or tribunal in England or Wales. You cannot refer yourself, but their website explains how to access the scheme.

There's the Family Law Panel which is a free directory service for members of the public to access professional and independent family law information. Solicitors and/or mediators offer an initial free advice session and provide tailored support and signposting thereafter. Professionals who can offer support with Domestic Violence are listed with a purple ribbon next to their name.

12345kbm. That's is a golden nugget you have shared with us here. We are looking for legal advice from everywhere, but will certainly look into the organisations you have suggested here.

Just read your post about the film that is hugely concerning. Cal NSPCC or social services and ask for advice. I would not be sending them to his until that was all cleared up.

FiFi223 - perhaps you ought to start your own thread, because it looks like your story is getting mixed up with the original poster's?

Write I think fifi is the sister of the OP.

The most important thing is to show that you always put the welfare of the girls first, which I'm sure you do, but you need to evidence this. If they're disclosing worrying information from their contact visits, get advice from children's services and, if it's necessary, let them know that you won't be sending them back to their dads. He will be advised that to reinstate any contact, he'll have to take you to court and this is in process anyway. The safeguarding professionals will want to clearly see that you are able to act protectively of your children. If you believe they are at risk of physical or emotional harm, tell your local safeguarding team, then stop contact.
I know that's scary, believe me. I know that it's easy for people to comment on what you should do and that it's much harder to actually action this advice. You have been conditioned to do as he tells you to, and he's conditioned you in this way by frightening you. If you 'disobey' him by stopping contact he is likely to try and up the ante, but this is simply another tactic and it's important to recognise that, completely block any communication and keep yourselves safe. Women's Aid have excellent safety plans to put in place and I would strongly advise you contact them. Honestly, just the first phone call to talk about what has happened and what continues to happen to you can make you feel so much better.
It's brilliant that you are gathering evidence. It would be a great help to show the court that you are making efforts to understand the effects of domestic abuse, both on yourself and on the children. Your local Women's Aid Organization (they are spilt into areas) will have courses free of charge for you to access. You may be assigned a specialist support worker called an IDVA who are really experienced with the court process and can often attend with you. Many also have support workers specifically appointed to work with children, called CIDVA's, who can do work that is designed to help children express their worries and create coping strategies. It will look very favourably on you in the court process if you have sought yourself and the girls support through this, as it shows you are working towards making changes so that you can improve your circumstances following the abuse.
It would also be great for you personally to work with your local Women's Aid as it can be hugely self-affirming and confidence building to understand the abuse you have been through and how to move forwards. You deserve to look after yourself as well as your daughters. They are there to help you.
You've been really brave to join in and post, it's the first step to getting the help you need and deserve.
For what it's worth, I've worked in domestic abuse support services and am happy to say that I've seen women's lives literally transformed by our help and support, including those who had completely lost hope. You can do this, you just need others to help and bolster you at this time.