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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve gone and done it AGAIN

20 replies

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 11:48

I’ve gone and found myself another, emotionally, unavailable man.

We were introduced through mutual (close) friends in the summer. Things were going really well, perhaps too well. We stupidly started discussing moving in together in the new year. I know, I know

He’s never been the most ‘open’ with his feelings. He doesn’t talk about his past, his upbringing, his exes and I know he’s been hurt but haven’t we all?

Last two weeks I’ve noticed a shift in his behaviour, less bothered about seeing me, lazy with communicating etc. I’ve made the mistake in the past of ignoring this and just running before I get hurt so I’ve attempted to address it with him.

I didn’t mention I’d noticed he’d pulled away, just asked if things had changed for him and pointed out that we should really be trying to get to know one another better before we consider moving in.

His response was that nothings changed for him, he’s still just working out where this is going, not sure how he feels etc, it’s too soon to start talking about certain things.

And now, radio silence.

Why do grown men do this? Jump in with two feet and then, rather than saying sorry luv, I’ve had a change of heart, reassure that there’s no problem but just disappear?

I’ve no one else to blame but myself, I know that. I just wanted to vent

OP posts:

dilly123 · 21/11/2019 12:02

No wise words OP,
But been there countless times.. 3 times with same guy 🙈.. I will never understand why so many men say things that they don't mean! I personally they are cowards & presume all women want to hear commitment stuff & future plans so they say it without sentiment when all we want is honesty! Some of us are also happy to plod along in a happy fun relationship not thinking too far ahead, still having time out for friends & hobbies, some men just think we are clingy & needy with a wedding dress hanging in the wardrobe just waiting!! 😡

Sending you a hug!

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 12:11

It’s infuriating isn’t it? I should never have entertained the moving in together conversations.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2019 12:31

What do you mean by radio silence? When did you last see him? Did you have this discussion face to face? How often were you spending time together? I'm just trying to understand better.

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 12:34

Haven’t heard from him since yesterday. I know that doesn’t sound long but there’s been a noticeable shift, we usually speak often. I see him 2-3 times a week, usually. Saw him last on Saturday. No, this conversation wasn’t had face to face as it’s difficult to get him to discuss certain things. We’re supposed to be meeting for a chat, I’ll see if that happens or not.

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/11/2019 12:35

It was realistically too soon to discuss moving in anyway OP, you hardly know him and that's especially true if he's a closed book.

You've done nothing wrong but I'd stop bothering with him- he sounds hard work, his emotional problems aren't yours to take responsibility for and he has clearly pulled away and said he's not sure about it. Don't wait about for someone like that, he sounds a bit pathetic tbh.

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 12:38

I’m not waiting around for him, been there before and I refuse to do it again. I’m not initiating contact.... it was way too soon you’re right but I stupidly assumed we were on the same page with what we wanted and renting a place together would work out in one of two ways, it would work or quite simply, it wouldn’t. He did Initiate the moving in together though, not me.

OP posts:

YabaDabaBoo · 21/11/2019 13:01

Been there myself, many times. Sometimes those initial feelings just get the better of you. It’s fine to be excited, and feel positive about a relationship, but it’s way too soon to be moving in together. I’m sure both of you just got caught up in the moment.

Give him some space and see what happens.

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 13:32

He can have as much space as he wants

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 21/11/2019 15:44

'And renting a place would work in one of two ways...it would work or it wouldn't

Its funny how we prepare ourselves for what we think is every outcome and yet they still find a way to cause drama isn't it!

It sounds like he was a future faker. Perhaps love-bombing you too. Always a warning when they get too close too soon.

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 17:24

Pinkbonbon ha a future faker. I think you might be right. I’ve met a fair few of them over the last couple of dreadful years, whilst on the dating ‘scene’. I’m an idiot, I get myself in to a good place mentally, happily being single then another drip pops up.

OP posts:

Nolongeranovice · 21/11/2019 17:41

If it's any consolation I'm going through similar. Been seeing a guy I really like for a couple of months and thought we were on the same page, but his actions (or lack of them) is leaving me question things.

I've been ghosted before which I found upsetting and he knows this. I've always said communication is key which he agreed with and I'd rather he were just honest.

Don't want to see me anymore? Fine... just tell me! Even if it's the "you're lovely but I don't see this going anywhere"
At least then I'd know where I stood!

Cutting back on what was regular (although not excessive) communication, ignoring texts etc is just spineless in my opinion and we deserve so much better.

One of the things he said he liked about me was that I didn't cause him stress. So I'm certainly not going to go chasing him. And if/when he does decide to get in touch I'll decide how to play it.

Don't mean to derail the thread OP but just so you know you're not alone. I just really don't get what goes on in the mind of some men!

Minionmomma · 21/11/2019 17:45

Maybe it’s too much too soon for him and he’s backing off a bit but doesn’t want to hurt you by actually saying this. I know how hard it can be when there’s a sudden noticeable change but try to back off a little bit and let him work out how he’s feeling. Keep the door open and perhaps realise that it is too soon to move in together. Doesn’t have to mean you’ll never move in together

Dacquoise · 21/11/2019 17:48

Unfortunately that's the nature of the beast with emotionally unavailable men. Keen at first and then the closer you get to them, they start to feel very uncomfortable and withdraw. The more you pursue, the more they run away. The problem is with them and without a lot of therapeutic work they will always be this way, playing games with any poor woman that they get involved with. Lots of them out in the dating world. All of my relationships were like this including my marriage. It was like living with a lodger! The good news is that it doesn't have to always be like that. There are emotionally available men out there. I have one. Perhaps I got lucky but I also did a lot of therapy and self help to be able to recognise the losers and not waste my time on them. There are lotsof blogs on attachment styles. You need someone with a secure attachment, who is comfortable with intimacy. Hope that helps.

lexiepuppy · 21/11/2019 18:10

Check out Susan Winter on YouTube video is titled : They bailed out of the blue. Here’s why.

They run too far, too fast into what they think is an ideal relationship and they cannot sustain it. It gets real, and they can’t deal with it.

Majority of Men are useless..... and that’s why I’m single!

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 19:00

@Nolongeranovice that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve given him ample opportunity to say this isn’t what he wants, to chose whichever excuse he wanted to use.

@Minionmomma and I’d be ok with that being the case but as I say, I’ve given him ample opportunity to say let’s put the breaks on things, this is moving too quickly however, he was the one initiating moving in together. I won’t be keeping any doors open for him to decide if this option is one he’d like to pursue. After 4 months, she should already know. I’m giving him space though and if he does try to pick up where he left off, it’ll take some explaining. All I want is honesty, no excuses.

@lexiepuppy I will certainly have a look at the video, thank you. All of the men I’ve met are useless. I was happy being single when I met this guy but he’s a friend of a good friend of mine. I was assured this one was worth giving the time of day.... who needs enemies and all that

OP posts:

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 19:18

@Dacquoise thank you, I’m glad you finally found the right person for you

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 21/11/2019 21:22

You will too. Hang in there. I honestly believe if you are aware of the signs you can avoid these people. I was thinking from your post that the not talking about his past or his feelings was a bit of a flag. My ex husband didn't do 'anger' but boy did he get his own back with passive aggressive behaviour. Current partner gets annoyed occasionally, shows it, we talk about it and move on. Nothing hidden, comfortable with his feelings. A secure person. Apparently, statistically half the population have secure attachment styles so a big pond.

Dacquoise · 21/11/2019 21:22

To choose from!

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 22:41

@Dacquoise thank you again.

I think I just need to step back from him. Have a meaningful break from relationships. At least until I’ve worked on my ability to spot dicksheads.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ralphie86 · 21/11/2019 22:41

*dickheads

OP posts:

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