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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Needy friend?

20 replies

mummypie17 · 21/11/2019 10:45

I have a lovely friend who has some problems establishing social boundaries (she's lost other friends before over this and admits to it) but she is trying to improve and genuinely cares. The problem is that she contacts me every single day. It is ok if she understands that I can't reply regularly. However, if I don't reply to her in a couple of hours, she gets anxious and asks if I'm angry with her. We're both in our mid thirties. I'm a busy working married mum and she is single.

Last week, I had an operation to deal with a miscarriage and she texted me after my op. Many people also texted me to see how I was but were ok to wait for my response (as I would be resting and not checking my phone). Yet, because I hadn't responded to her in a few hours, she started sending loads of messages to my husband asking him about me. He replied to her but did think it was a bit stressful as he was tending to me. She keeps telling me that I'm her best friend etc. I like her but would like to tell her to give me some space. I don't want to upset her as she is sensitive and has suffered from depression and anxiety. How should I go about letting her know that she doesn't need to contact me everyday to see if I'm 'ok'?

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 21/11/2019 10:46

Tell her?

Just tell her.

Original poster

mummypie17 · 21/11/2019 10:50

I'm not sure if I need to be more blunt. But as I've said she is super sensitive and cries very easily.

OP posts:

RainWoman19 · 21/11/2019 10:52

I had a friend like this and it got to the point where my anxiety was sky high! Not to mention my blood pressure. Constant texting through the day and night..even pestering me when I was revising for my Uni exams. I did tell her I often need space which I think is normal and acceptable but nope, she carried on. I started to read and ignore messages so she started asking if I was ok? And even left me gifts on my doorstep. Last straw. No longer in contact as I had to ghost her. Hope your okay after your op..you really need to tell her and possible be brutal so it sinks in.

Woollycardi · 21/11/2019 10:52

Ooh golly, I have a similar problem although we also have other issues in our friendship. One thing I have realised was that she is completely unwilling to take responsibility for her controlling behaviour, and, I don't know if you see this in what you have written, but your friend sounds the same. As nice as it is to have someone concerned about us, it can become too clingy and just too much. I don't have brilliant boundaries myself and have allowed way too much and am now just angry and resentful and wish I had spoken up before. Because, you are not responsible for how she feels. I find it really intrusive when people make a big deal about how long I have taken to reply to something because that is my business, not theirs. In order to avoid anger and resentment further down the line, I would recommend trying to say to her now that it has become a bit intense having daily contact and that you need a bit of space. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her own feelings and her own mental health. That's not your job! It never, ever is!

IdleBet · 21/11/2019 10:53

I couldn't cope with that, I would have to bluntly spell it out to her. Either she follows your boundaries or she loses another friend.

Woollycardi · 21/11/2019 10:55

She actually said 'One of my strengths is being very caring to my friends'...er...but you're not experiencing this as caring, you are experiencing this has intrusive. She might get upset, but that doesn't mean you can't assert a boundary.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 21/11/2019 10:55

I have said to her that 'Thank you for being so caring but I'm ok. You don't need to check in on me everyday'. She responds with 'I think it's nice to text everyday. One of my strengths is being very caring to my friends!'
OP, this is her totally disregarding your wishes and boundaries. It’s not lovely, it’s actually really selfish because it’s not about being nice to you, it’s about fulfilling HER wants and needs... she wouldn’t even let you recover from a miscarriage in peace. And the crying at the drop of a hat sounds like further manipulation. YOU sound lovely and caring but you do need to be blunt and firm with her.
💐 to you for your loss

Woollycardi · 21/11/2019 10:55

Sorry as not has.

dimdarkashian · 21/11/2019 11:33

Oh god. Stuff that. Drift.

AutumnRose1 · 21/11/2019 11:37

tell her. Tell her she texts way too much to fit with your boundaries.

if she cries, she cries. tbh I don't think you're a good match anyway.

Original poster

mummypie17 · 21/11/2019 12:10

Thank you everyone for your responses. I know that I need to be firmer. Usually I don't have a problem with that but as I know her anxiety issues it feels like I could be more understanding.

A few months ago, she already lost a couple of friends because she was being clingy and 'asking inappropriate questions'. I think she genuinely doesn't have very good social awareness and can say things that are embarrassing. For example: I was telling her and other friends about going swimming with DH on holiday and she randomly asked 'were you swimming naked?' and when I told her that I was going to have a quiet weekend she called out 'are you and DH going to... You know ..?' she also does that with other friends. I have told her that I found these sort of questions a bit off and she'll apologise but she says what she thinks.

OP posts:

AutumnRose1 · 21/11/2019 12:20

"I think she genuinely doesn't have very good social awareness and can say things that are embarrassing"

that's not your problem though. I suspect she's been told many times. Some people find it funny to ask awkward nosey questions, then if someone calls them on it they will feign upset, tears or inability to understand.

IdblowJonSnow · 21/11/2019 12:20

OP you sound very kind but she's going to end up driving you barmy.
Can I ask what you get out of this friendship?
I'd be blunt with her too I'm afraid. And give very short shrift with the inappropriate questions.

Original poster

mummypie17 · 21/11/2019 17:15

She is generous with Christmas and birthday presents (as I am also with her). She also seems very concerned if I'm I'll or upset. There are positives to her friendship but she is overbearing

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 21/11/2019 17:37

Surely no right thinking adult would ask someone if they were going to have sex with their partner? That would be enough for me.Its not like shes 13 or something?
Does she have some type of learning difficulty OP? if so I could sort of understand it.
I would end the friendship with her I think.I'd just tell her I was too busy to stay in touch and do things as I needed time for my work and family. That should be enough for any adult to understand.

Woollycardi · 21/11/2019 17:42

But surely the presents are an optional add on to a happy friendship, not the basis of one? I think you're just going to need to tell her, that's the kindest way if you want to maintain the relationship.

Original poster

mummypie17 · 21/11/2019 18:59

I suspect she might have a learning need even though she is very intelligent (in a professional job). She is child-like and she has said her colleagues have suggested that she may have autism. She is obsessed with Barbies and will pretty much only watch children's films and programmes as she finds adult movies too 'heavy'

OP posts:

BeeN77 · 22/11/2019 11:01

It is nice to have someone check in on you. However, her pointing out that she her strengths is caring for her friends, but not listening to how they want to be cared for, is contradictory. From what you have described, I would think that it's her that expects you to take care of her.

sprouts21 · 22/11/2019 13:05

I have a lovely friend who has some problems establishing social boundaries

Many people appear to have this problem but when you look a bit closer its quite clear that actually they don't care about social boundaries.There's a big difference.Does this person ask her boss inappropriate questions? If not why not?

Boundary pushers always claim they are sensitive. Can you see the contradiction here with this person claiming she can only watch kids tv yet has no problem asking you questions about your sex life?

Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 22/11/2019 13:48

I think you've got a bit of a red herring on your hands here OP.
If this were a male friend of your dhs say, asking odd sexual questions and being overbearing, then manipulative then you would be feeling very creeped out and rightly so.
Don't let the fact that she is female mean you drop your guard here.

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