Is this why I seek men with money?

[JuicyEgg]

Before I’m attacked as being a gold digger, please consider the context and the fact I’m trying to understand this following a difficult childhood. I’m not after handbags or holidays and I work hard.

Basically the only thing that wasn’t problematic in my childhood was finances. My parents had money and there was never argument or issue or problems where money was concerned. We’d do nice things and go to nice places, I had private healthcare and schooling, I felt cared for in these ways.

However, from an emotional perspective, although I was told I was loved, this was shown purely through things. My parents attended school shows etc but there was significant social and middle class elements to this...I never really felt like my parents were interested in me, more that they wanted me to do well, to look good. I’m probably being too harsh. This is how it felt anyway.

There was huge huge pressure to do well academically. This has meant I’m now in a good job but one I probably could have got with half the stress.

A lot of my childhood was dysfunctional. Some hitting, smacking, hair pulling. Excessive exam pressure at 8 years old, never felt secure around my parents in the sense that I never felt they were honest with me... they liked to sugar coat things (again maybe I’m being too harsh), but it left me in a state about who to trust and turn to. If I was upset there was NEVER a calm discussion as to why...just hysteria almost from my mum who wanted the upset to go away. I was too sensitive, weird, why couldn’t I be normal etc etc etc

In essence, the only stable thing in my childhood was money. It was always there and I associated it with security and a sign of love.

Ive noticed that I go for men who can provide, almost exclusively. I feel insecure around men who don’t earn much, as if there’s no blanket there, no way in which I could feel safe and loved. This sounds like I am after money as a gold digger, but the fact is I work hard, I am ok financially, I don’t need someone to buy me nice things, I’m very into work and wouldn’t stop working, I enjoy it. There’s just this feeling of a blocker over falling for someone who doesn’t have the capability to use money freely. I have no interest in being paid for. It would never occur to me to be with someone so they could pay for my lifestyle, but unless someone has money I struggle to comprehend developing feelings for them, I can’t see them as able to provide love although I know logically that is crazy.

Does this make sense and have I stumbled across the answer to something I’ve questioned for a long time?

Not sure how many of us on MN are psychologists or psychoanalysts. They're probably the ones who can give you a genuine answer.

makes perfect sense. don't waste time with a cocklodger.

To be fair. I am fairly obsessed with secure finances. But mine is around me making me financially secure. We were piss poor growing up. Mum got on her feet financially after a boyfriend screwed her over. She married someone else, short term marriage. Who tried to take her to the cleaners. She eventually got back together with my dad. Thats the only time I had financial stability. But their marriage was shit and mum always moaned and complained that she didnt have a career, that she couldnt be independent. She could have been, she was an abusive drinker. Drink came first as did boyfriends.

So I grew up knowing i always wanted to be financially independent and secure.

So growing up with little money impacted my feelings about it.

I dont seek put money though. My dp and friends all earn alot less than me. I have known then since I earned about the same.

Our childhoods impact alot of what we do. You need to seek support to sort it out.

Is there any possibility of getting some counselling or speaking to a professional about this?

There is nothing wrong in seeking out a financially solvent partner (no one wants to be continually rescuing someone else or limiting their lifestyle to accomodate for someone who is financially irresponsible).

However, if it reaches the point that their financial situation blocks all other factors (i.e. that they are a good partner, they are solvent but just not rich) then it needs untangling. Also, for yourself, defining value and worth outside of a financial framework might take some professional guidance.

I am going to start therapy, I’ve had some in the past but never really acknowledged this.

An example is when someone says they’ll have to save for something..it fills me with this feeling that they can’t provide and therefore can’t provide love. It’s ridiculous as I earn my own money and would happily share it with someone I was in love with, regardless of what they earned. I just can’t get past this initial thing. For instance my last long term partner fit this criteria at the start, after 2 years he had depression and was off work. I supported him through it all and didn’t think twice about it - the fact he suddenly had minimal money was completely irrelevant. This is what makes me think it’s an association thing.

There is a difference between being a gold digger, and aspiring to have a stable life in terms of finance. Experience has taught me to avoid men who are in significant debt or lower income. This is because I have attracted a few aspiring cocklodgers over the years who mistake the words 'partnership' and 'sponsorship'. Relationships with people who are on a low income, when you are not, require serious work. You either accept paying for the dates/ holidays, or stay in and do inexpensive entertainment.

Given your childhood, and the fact that you are now in a career then I can see why you would want a man who matches you financially as that is part of the building of a relationship/ partnership. I wouldn't feel that was an issue per se, and would be a common approach to life adopted by many people. You could seek out counselling for your childhood experience, or you could just close the door on that phase of your life. I have a difficult childhood too, and it affected my adult life. It makes me a better parent tbh, because I am not the bullying control freak my mother is/ was. However, recently I have decided to put childhood to one side as if you let it influence you in the present day, it keeps you a prisoner of circumstances beyond your control from a time long gone by.

You absolutely need to explore this in therapy; we can only do so much here, OP.

But, yes, I think you're on to something.

However, recently I have decided to put childhood to one side as if you let it influence you in the present day, it keeps you a prisoner of circumstances beyond your control from a time long gone by.

So much easier said than done, imo.

I say this from the perspective of my psychotherapy training, my own therapy (20 years now), and my counselling work with clients over the past 5 years.