I am not sure if this is the best place to post, as part of my dilemma is understanding if I am being unreasonable in my relationship with my brother.
It really is a long winded story to tell but I need to provide context for my current situation so if you make it to the end I thank you in advance! If you have some experience or advice I could really use it.
My brother is 3 years younger. So approaching his mid 30s. We had a difficult childhood because of an alcoholic and mentally unwell father. But we also had some stability and good education opportunities. This is relevant because sometimes making the most of the cards you have been dealt looks very different within the same family. My parents marriage broke down when we were in our teens. My role as eldest child was heavy in responsibility and I was basically required to watch my younger siblings every afternoon and holidays from the age of 9 onwards.
My brother was the only boy and the middle child. He definitely had the the label from a young age of being the cheeky, difficult one. This i recognise and see was a hard one for him to shake. But that has also continued through his choices into adulthood and has become the standard which seems to rule his life.
So from teens on- my brother was into drugs, heavy drinking which he identified later as alcoholism, severe depression and anxiety. He has remained on this path for a long time and throughout it all there have been many many times where I have been worried he might die, never recover, live like this forever, end up in prison etc etc.
We as a family that broke down, have had many unhealthy family dynamics to contend with, including a father who is still unwell and has very little to do with any of his children and grandchildren. Thank goodness our mum is someone who we can rely on but she has never been able to reach my brother- not without trying I might add! So she would step back and often it was me and my youngest sister who felt we had to "save" my brother.
Further to this he has had many unhealthy and toxic relationships with young girls who end up in his eyes as "crazy". This troubled me greatly. Many times I knew it was his choices and behaviour and treatment of this young women that contributed to their behaviour. He will never acknowledge his responsibilty and choices in creating these scenarios and blames, deflects and denies.
He moved out of the state many years ago but over the years his contact has included ringing regularly to vent and offload all of the crazy drama that is his life. Asking for money and basically using us when it suits but not reciprocating much in return.
Gosh this is long! So current day situation is that the long term relationship he is in for the last 6 years has broken down this year. He had a daughter with this partner. His only child who is now 5. His partner was very young when she met him, fell pregnant immediately and the rest is one ongoing disaster. In my nieces early life, my brother was drinking heavily, would go AWOL and basically did not appear like someone who wanted to be in a relationship. There are things I am overlooking but there is just too much information to include!
Fast forward, he has NOT been drinking for the last two years. However in this time his partner has become very unwell mentally. She has a number of mental health issues, has been involved with drugs at times and become a heavy drinker as well. She has been suicidal and abusive verbally and physically to my brother. BUT and this isnt to dismiss that trauma on my brother's behalf, I do know that he too was all those things just a few years ago. These issues for her stem from her upbringing and also trauma she has had. They are not temporary.
So as you can see, two very unwell people, who live on the otherside of the country are raising a beautiful little girl in a situation that horrifies me. I have my own family, am a teacher and have always had a huge amount of fear for the effect of this trauma on my niece, as well as the poverty she is being raised in as they both rely on welfare to survive and always run out of money. BUT spend it on alcohol and drugs in the past, cigarettes, fast food, taxis- because they refuse to take public transport, trendy clothes to upkeep image and basically poor management of money. Please note my brother is intelligent, has been given a huge amount of practical tips on his money for many many many years. He refuses to change.
So this year. Relationship breaks down and my brother's partner goes to rehab. Child services begin to interact with my brother. HE becomes the primary carer and decides that his ex is no longer a suitable parent and relays the reasons to us as to why. We support him and suggest he can make a go of a new life for him and his daughter, ask him does he want to move back and we will support him. He does but legalities need to happen and he has also brought violence orders towards his ex which he needs to deal with. I also know that the information I have about his ex is through him and do feel concerned that his version of the truth is not her version and that we may not actually have the whole story.
His ex has been volatile, breached the orders many times. She has demonstrated that she has not stuck with the rehab program and multiple situations of drinking, getting in trouble with the police it goes on and on. At this point my brother, despite his history looks like the more stable and protective parent.
However, he still does not work despite constantly running out of money. Makes very questionable choices regarding parenting and generally comes across as arrogant towards his ex. As in, he is now superior, the one who knows best for his daughter, while also maintaining that he is a victim of family violence and using that to deflect as to why he does not work or can not make a decision about the future.
He has had mega financial support and been given a car, white goods, free therapy for him and his daughter. I gave him a large sum of money to bail him out of eviction early in the year to keep a roof over their head and have not received anything back. He has had money from everyone, including another $200 just this week from my mother.
Then we hit yesterday and he has told me how he had to take my niece to the Dr for constipation and she did not like the Movicol she was prescribed. I began to share some tips I had via chat, as I have been through similar with my son and I know how distressing it can be for a child as well as becoming a bigger issue with toilet avoidance which I know my niece has. He told me he had no money to buy the medicine I suggested despite been given $200 the day before. Then says some comment about playing Xbox. and off he goes...
I messaged to him that I thought you would be more concerned about how to help your child and I am trying to help and you've just dismissed it. Which is his right as her parent except and this is the part I have the trouble with... he literally does not have much of a clue or even the worry that he might not have a clue as how to raise this little girl. Is that a judgement- yes! I have not said that to him but it is the fear I carry after watching him for over 20 years in destructive mode.
He lost it, and sent a barrage of lengthy, very wordy -loves to try and outsmart people but comes across as obnoxious, messages. He told me I was horrible and gave him no support. Had a few personal digs that he knows will cut me. I was shaken and upset, angry and wanted to tirade back. But I didn't, I know it will get me no where. Today I feel sick about it. Over the years, my brother's life has effected my own mental health. Created anxiety and worry for me. I have felt guilty when I left him to it. I think it comes from over responsibility as a child. My father is not a part of my life and to loose my brother as well feels like a huge gaping hole.
But reality is, he is not a brother, he takes and uses and attacks us when we call him out on behaviour that is toxic, destructive at worst and immature at best. I would cut contact completely if it were not for my niece, who I love, even though I have only had the chance to see her twice. I would care for her in a heartbeat. She met her cousins this year, on a visit paid for by my mum. She loved them and talks about them all the time. It breaks my heart that she does not have a mum that is well, no siblings and spends a huge portion of her time on the ipad. Which she is allowed to use to communicate with other "kids"- are they?? online at my brother's own admission. She does not have playdates outside community kindy. They take her to the park and so on, but she lives in adult world where all the adults are reeling, fighting, unwell or intoxicated.
So having read the above what would be your next move? Stay in amicable contact to keep up to date with niece, yet have to keep quiet about my own thoughts about any crazy drama in my brothers life?
Cut/ minimise contact so that for my own mental health I am not privy to all the disturbing things that go on over which I have zero control. The fall out of this is dealing with my guilt about what harm may come to my niece.
Tell him in a calm way all of these concerns, but knowing that he will continue to become angry in his defense mode and will at the end of it all not change anything anyways?
I am exhausted by this. I have no idea what family really means anymore. I know I should focus on my own world with my husband and kids, but I have felt compelled to save him. In my dreams, he gets well, moves here and we can help him create a fairly conventional life. Creating stability and a network of people who care for my niece. But thats just a fantasy isn't it? Is it time to let it go?
If you got to the end of this, thank you for reading!