charitable acts to entitled people in need ?

[AmbitiouslyFit]

Hi,

So you see there is this certain human being in my life who I have been kind to... generally because I’m kind to everyone in that position of need and don’t want to deny them help they requested.

However turns out after a while that they weren’t appreciative to me because they somehow convinced themselves that I’m obliged/theyre entitled to my acts of charity.

So I backed away. Stopped what I was doing.

However they seem in need and I feel like I am not the type of person that sees someone in need and doesn’t help if I’m able to..

I want to help them out- when possible- without being treated like its an obligation.

I just hate to sit there knowing someone can be helped but I won’t do it. Even if they’re undeserving.

Is this how you speak to them about helping them?

It's a bit....much? Almost as if you need everyone to know what a good person you are as you just can't stop yourself helping others. Maybe they get a sense you think you're better than they are?

Anyway help if you want to, don't if you dont. I personally don't like the deserving/undeserving thing as it seems archaic.

When you’re having a shit time and things aren’t going well and everyone around you seems to have it better, it’s quite common to become somewhat embittered and sick of needing to be grateful for help from others and come across as entitled - you just want what they have and seem to have landed in their lap, why shouldn’t you have that as well? It’s possible this person has started to get that way. It doesn’t excuse their behaviour but may help explain it.

Agree with previous poster, you do come across as quite wrapped up in your own goodness. To the person you’re helping, it may all feel a little bit Lady Bountiful.

My motto is that I don’t offer help wanting thanks or repayment so if it’s easy for me to offer or do something and little skin off my back to do so, I will regardless of how it’s received. If whatever charitable acts you’re doing don’t fall into that category, don’t do them if you don’t feel like it.

Undeserving

I'm not sure that anyone is undeserving are they? Or it's not for us to judge who is at least. I definitely don't feel qualified to.

Do you want to help this person? If you do, crack on. If not then distancing yourself is absolutely the right thing to do.

Stop being a Martyr OP.

There was someone that I was helping on good faith. Didn’t expect anything.

Them found out that all throughout the time I was helping (discretely) they were slandering and backstabbing me to others.. undermining the help I was doing.

When I politely confronted them they were impolite, unkind and very deregatory..

So obviously I stopped offering my help.

Afteewhich they went out of their way to guilt trip me and get me to respond t their requests for help and I refused..

Time has passed. I dislike them. But they really do need help despite being bratty.. and it’s me who can give it.

I don’t want to.. but sometimes I feel like since time has passed and I do care for them despite them being hideous and I’m not able to protect myself from their entitled attitude... maybe there’s a way to help them.

I do feel like everyone deserves help but not everyone deserves MY help.

I don’t expect visible gratitude and someone to owe me..

But I do expect basic politeness and kindness and to not be repayed with harm.

So... how do I do it without being a doormat?

Well if the person cant respond with politeness as you wish then dont do it.

You're overthinking this

I don’t want to..

Well don't then.

Point them in the direction of another person or charity and give your time/money to someone else.

Hi op, sometimes the best help you can give someone is no help. Forces them to do something about their situation. That’s certainly my experience after enabling someone to not work an spend all day smoking weed. As soon as the helped stopped they got a job, a flat and are finally (at 40 years old) standing on their own two feet. I feel no guilt.

cannot answer without more info. Who are you helping and what are you doing for them?

If they are taking it for granted and think you should just because you can then I wouldn’t bother.

Youve helped them out of the goodness of your heart but maybe (depending on the type of help you are offering) they should start to have a look at ways they can help themselves.

Is there any way you could help discretely without them knowing? Like the story The Christmas Jar where one family left a jar full of cash for another who needed help, totally anonymously, would something similar be possible?

If it is something you'd need to be involved with, is there anyone else you know who could do it in your place? (I'm imagining a scenario where you're an insolvency practitioner or similar and this person requires those expertise).

For what it's worth (having been in similar situations) it is okay to say no and walk away. Some people (for many a varied reason) lurch through life in desperate need but never become their own solution, always looking to others to help them. They take time, energy and resources away from people who actually would benefit hugely from similar help but never get a look in. In the same situation I would consider whether there is anywhere else or anyone else you can provide help to that would be a "better" use of your time and energy.

Don't get sucked back into a bad situation, see if you can help from afar and, if not, walk away knowing you've done your best in the past and were abused for it, you don't deserve that and can walk away.