Is he cheating?

[Gemzilou]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a one year old DD together. I found some messages on his phone to a colleague where he is basically saying he wants to 'chill' alone with her, asking her to dinner and calling her trouble. I had caught him sexting a girl in the past which he admitted to, didn't have much choice really as I contacted her before confronting him. This was 2 years ago.

Anyway I've confronted him on this, he doesn't know what messages I've seen just that I've seen some. He has told me it's just banter, that he is allowed to have female friends (didn't say he couldn't) and that he was just arranging drinks to discuss recruitment. He isn't a manager so I don't see why he would do this either. What do you guys think? Leopards and their spots and all.

100% he has at least the intention to cheat...I’m sorry but why would a loyal partner talk like that to another woman? He wants to “alone” with her? Wtf!!!
Sending you huge hugs. Really hope you are ok xxx

Ps: if he wants to talk recruitment with her he could do this during work hours and via telephone or email. What a dick!

If he hasn't yet, he wants to. I'm sorry, but who asks a woman out to dinner behind a partner's back and calls her trouble??

He's totally disrespecting you, at the very least.

Doesn’t sound good does it , I don’t think you can trust him op x

He wants to chill alone with her, take her to dinner and he calls her Trouble.

Sounds extremely suspicious to me.

Well it's not very convincing is it, I'm really sorry OP. Best advice I can give you is start thinking selfishly from this point on. You can't think in terms of 'us' right now, you need to focus on what's right for you and act accordingly. There will be a huge amount of support for you here if you need it but try to find someone irl to lean on too, don't go through this on your own

He's flirting at the very least.

Trouble

That is flirty.....

I'd be gone especially as he's pulled this shit before

It surprises me you'd even ask the question.... he is a cheat....he will hurt you....get out of there xxx

Doesn't sound good OP ☹️ if he hasn't don't it it does seem he has the intentions to x

You could contact her and ask her. He might have told her that he is single or that you are living seperate lives. I agree with the other comments that he is not to be trusted.

Did she reply ?

I haven't contacted her, no. I don't know why, probably just given up. And the fact he accused me of not letting him have female friends and just lying about it. He also insists she is in a relationship, well that makes it all ok because two people in relationships wouldn't cheat

Firstly his behaviour is wrong because he is doing something he absolutely knows would upset you then telling you there's nothing to be upset about. When you say you are upset.

Secondly, do not do what I've done in the past and wait for "proof" or something "concrete". His expectations, boundaries and behaviour are NOT compatible with yours.

I spent years trying to figure out if I was unreasonable or if he was until it clicked - it didn't matter, we weren't compatible when it came to values and boundaries.

This story will only end with you trusting him less and checking on his version of events more, which he will see as a green light to call you mental and do the "I had to lie because you're like this" routine.

Stop making it an A versus B debate in your head. Whether or not this specific behaviour counts as cheating it doesn't matter - you aren't comfortable with the behaviour and when you've said this he disagrees and is unwilling to modify it.

I'm not even saying whether he should modify it or not (spoiler alert - I think he's being a disingenuous dick saying it's not flirty or doesn't have intent behind it) I'm saying the issue is he is happy to do something that would upset you and making no effort to compromise or sympathise.

Honestly OP sack him off. This will get exhausting and you'll end up with a life that revolves around trying to catch him out.

I think he is a wrong 'un

You have thrown your lot in with an untrustworthy man I am afraid

The signs were all there. It's not too late to get shut of him though.

He sounds like a total waster

Sorry OP I meant did she reply to your DP texts.. was she responsive..

Im a firm believer that even just texting someone in this manner is as good as cheating. If nothing else he is causing trust issues in the relationship and the old chestnut about having female friends is just trying to manipulate you into thinking your being unreasonable..get rid...lifes to short to sit and wonder if he can be trusted

She isn't a friend though. She's someone he is flirting with.

It's very manipulative of him to try and make you seem like the bad guy for calling him out on his shit.

Smacks of emotional manipulation tbh.

Doesn't really matter if he's done anything or not, he was clearly planning too and he is emotionally manipulative.

Get shot.

He'd be gone if it was me, he's basically asked a girl he fancies out, you know you're worth more than this.

I have male friends, I see them alone sometimes. But I'm equally happy to see them in a group, i have never texted them that i want to 'chill with them alone'. And that isn't some kind of corporate speak for recruitment discussions.
Not only is he pursuing someone else, he is treating you like you are stupid

I agree with you all on the manipulation, I also referred to the sexting and all he had to say is it was years ago and that it isn't relevant. But I am certainly worth more.

@GettingABitDesperateNow, I don't have a problem with him seeing female friends alone, I have male friends id meet up for a coffee with I also make a habit of introducing him to them. But the tone of the messages makes me think something had happened.

@BumbleBeee69 she did respond to him, slightly flirty, they're obviously very familiar with each other.