ED fears and a caring wife

[firewalkeruk]

A little while back I posted that I had been suffering from Erectile Dysfunction for just over a year and was worried about talking to my wife about the subject.
I got lots of good advice and eventually bit the bullet and told my wife my worst fears. I am 54, morbidly obese due to health problems and she is a little older but very active and she has a great figure and looks fantastic for her age. I attend a gym with her where I go swimming while she works out in the gym. It hasn't gone unnoticed that she gets admiring looks from many of the men in the gym and it was making me very insecure. I do not think she wants a relationship outside our marriage but I am sure she enjoys the attention, and why not she works hard to look after herself.
Anyway I talked to her about what is going on and she told me that she was worried the I had stopped fancying her and that I had lost interest, as if.
I reassured her that I still love her and want her but that I am having trouble getting and maintaining and erection. Anyway after much talk I made an appointment with my GP. I was due to go last week but the appointment has had to be rescheduled, twice, now I am going tomorrow,
My wife and I have discussed the what if's and the maybe's and she has been trying to make things easier for me. She has even suggested some items on Lovehoney which might help and we have ordered items for me and her.
I love her very much and don't want to disappoint her but now I am finding myself worrying about our next intimate experience.
Why does everything have to be such a concern when it should be so natural?

sorry to hear this, OP. I speak as an overweight person myself, and I am sure your GP will advise trying to lose weight (as hard as that is), alongside other tests they may do, like your B12 and testosterone, and cardiac/cholesterol checks.

Even if it doesn't help the ED, it will boost your self esteem and your overall health.

Are you diabetic? Whether you are or not, a low carb diet is a good way to lose weight without feeling hungry.

Sorry, I know you didn't ask for advice about weight loss. Ruling out serious physical causes is the first thing, so good luck at the GP. And well done for tackling this head on.

@BendyLikeBeckham thanks for the reply. No I'm not diabetic but I do have PAD ( Pheriperal Arterial Disease ). My doctor monitors my bloods and I have lost 1 stone over the last year. I have back problems and severe anemia amongst other things.
I am trying to lose weight but it is a slow process when you can't run or hardly walk even but I love swimming.
I know that if I can get the physical things right then the sexual side should improve.

The worst thing you can do is to start worrying about the next intimate experience you share .
The emphasis is on sharing pleasure . Don’t make it one of performance . The fact that your wife is buying some items from Lovehoney shouldn’t be pressuring you it should be reassuring you .
You’ve overcome the worst part of opening up to her . Sounds like you have a lovely close relationship. Take things slow and easy . Having been in a similar situation I think the worst thing was my DH doing the sexual equivalent of holding up scorecards on his performance or lack of it - I had to remind him that I’d had a lovely time thank you very much and it wasn’t all about him .
Things improved a lot after that . Wishing you both a lovely romantic Christmas .

Probably go into it not expecting to get or keep an erection, but just to have fun - agree together not to attempt intercourse and just to do other stuff, so there isn't that pressure.

Also, I remember your previous thread, and I'm glad opening up to her has gone well.

@category12, I was so worried that everything was going to go wrong. When we talked I was in so much fear that she would be angry at me and blame me for being stupid that she would want to walk away from our marriage. We have been sustaining a distance between us, neither wanting to discuss it because we both had our insecurities.
The last week or so has been brilliant and we are like young newlyweds again. We haven't laughed together so much in ages. We have been snuggling and she hasn't put any pressure on me. If you remember she was also reticent about oral love making but she says she is very willing to explore things and even offered to see a therapist but to be honest we have always been able to work things out between ourselves.
I still feel awkward about my body issues but now I know I have an ally in my best friend.

That's really great .

You sound as though you have a happy loving marriage and a wonderful understanding wife. It really doesn’t sound as though you have any reason to worry 🙂
So what if you have ED, you’re trying to fix the issue, so I’m sure your wife isn’t going to mind. She loves you and sounds happy just to know that you still fancy her!
Continue working on yourself, it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

Glad to see you are able to talk to your wife and that she's so supportive.

My advice in regards to the sexual stuff is be as open about it especially the insecurities. Communication is a powerful thing and and as you know it's uncomfortable to talk about things we're insecure about to the person we're most vulnerable with but it's the best way to put those fears at ease. They get to better understand you and reassure you.

(my username is appt for how I talk so I may not be very fluid in how I talk sorry!)
For example i was struggling to orgasm when with my partner regardless of if it was him manually, him using a toy or me using a toy... I just couldn't and I was getting really distraught about it. We talked in depth and worked together to find ways to help as it was to do with me feeling pressured to orgasm (he never pressured me, I was pressuring myself). He reassured me that I don't have to try to orgasm and to just enjoy the pleasure of being stimulated itself. We also decided to do a little fun shopping for a more suitable toy and got a wand. I orgasm regularly now but if I don't then I don't get upset anymore like I used to and just stop when I feel like I've enjoyed enough.

And the second example is that since me and my partner have been together I have had an insanely high sex drive which came as a shock to both my partner and me (first relationship for me and before him I only wanted to have solo time about once a month) as I want sex pretty much 24/7, after sex I'm right back to being horny within a few hours which is a bit of an issue if your partner is more of a once a day type... Cue me trying to stop myself dry humping him whenever he touched me. I by sheer force have been trying not to pressure him and I don't instigate sex but despite him saying he doesn't feel any pressure and trying to help me come up with ideas to get it more manageable (wand sessions, focusing on quality over quantity with sex and making me work out during it so I have less energy etc) I've been tying myself up in knots as feeling constantly frustrated to do anything with him as solo time isn't appealing unless I'm really desperate for release and then feeling like I'm wrong for being so horny and not having control over it.
After alot of googling I've found out the contraceptive I started taking before we started having sex actually increases sex drive and partner has agreed if it's upsetting me this much we will use none hormone based contraceptives so I can see if when my hormones are back to normal that my sex drive will change and what too (shall find out in next couple months as only stopped using the contraceptive two days ago).
Although partner has joked that if I have no sex drive at all he's going to rage as it will be roles reversed.

Just incase that is an issue we're prepared to talk to doctors about what we can do so it's not extremes in regards to my sex drive.

Not sure if it will help but you could have massage sessions where your wife fondles you either on your oenis or testicles whilst watching a movie, no actual masterbating or pretense to sex but just fondling like a massage. My partner finds it extremely relaxing and even falls asleep sometimes with it. He can tell me what feels nice, what feels great and what isn't so pleasant. It has nothing to do with erections, in fact if my partner gets an erection I just carry on massaging as if it's not changed because it doest mean we're going to do anything so there's no pressure to maintain an erection and no pressure on if the erection goes down.

It could help you get more comfortable with being handled with no pressure or expectations and is a nice peaceful bonding intimate moment which can be reciprocated back to your wife and see how she likes to be touched.
For me personally as issue mentioned previously I'm too easily stimulated at the moment but my breasts being massaged on their own isn't sexual to me at all and very very relaxing. Me and my partner take it in turns whilst watching TV or when in bed to relax before going to sleep or just because it feels nice.

Hope some of what I have said can help or maybe give you extra ideas to help you and your wife.

I think ED is a common symptom of PAD, if I'm not wrong?

Anyway, sounds like you are doing everything you can, OP. I would focus on just enjoying each other's bodies rather than PIV. Takes the pressure off both of you.

@TangledMind Your a bit like me I open my mouth and it all flows out lol. My wife is the opposite, I think she works for MI5.
I had my consultation with my GP this morning and she is referring me on to a clinic but basically she gave the same advice everyone here has been offering.
The only thing she did say was that I could buy Viagra privately but the way that works find of take the romance out of it, popping a pill well in advance of the deed and waiting to see what pops up lol. I would think it takes the spontaneity out of it.
I think your snuggling idea is very good and I am going to ask my wife to read all these threads t see we aren't alone.
Thank you everyone for your help.
On wards and upwards, I hope.

I wouldn't think of it that way. If it's safe for you to take, Viagra (other brands are available ) is awesome. I mean, presumably when the toys arrive or something, that would be a bit of planned session? So there wouldn't be a big difference popping a pill before you hit the bedroom. And you can then rely on your erection which takes the anxiety out of it for you both.