I feel trapped

[greenlentils]

Hello
I was wondering if anyone has any advice? I feel very trapped in my marriage and in this country. I left my home country 20 years ago because I met my DH. We married 3 years later and had two children by 5 years here. He told me before we married that I should give it 10 years then we would
Move to my home country. 20 years later I am still here. I am very unhappy and have been for a long time. I don't love him romantically and am not interested in him sexually. We have not had sex for 6 months he hasn't satisfied me for 10 years!!

He is very successful in his career and that and making money is very important to him. He works very long hours and I am often on my own. I have no family support at all. I have coped but now I'm fed up. I want to go home. My children are now teenagers and don't need me so much anymore. I gave up my career to raise the children and support him. He doesn't have to do a thing at home. Not even take the bins out :)

I feel like I am constantly treading water. I want to move home to be near my family. I can't leave as he wouldn't let me take the children. I just feel trapped.

May I ask where you reside now; a general area (e.g Middle East, Far East, S America etc would do). What are your legal rights in this country you now live in both for you as a woman women and as a woman if you were to start divorce proceedings?. Have you looked into these particular areas?.

You also sound more like his housekeeper/maid/skivvy rather than his wife and at all valued.

Your children are likely all too aware that relations between you and dad are not good at all. Please do not continue to teach them that a loveless marriage could well become their norm too. This is no legacy to leave them. And you are wrong in one very important respect also; your children may now been teens but they really need you more than ever.

What do you mean by allow you to take the children? If they're teenagers, surely they have their own opinions about moving to a different country? And if you want to and they want to, file for divorce and go. He can still apply for visitation, can't he?

How old are your teens?

Thanks for your responses. I live in the UK. My children are 13 & 15.

Would they want to move with you? At their ages, they'd have a say legally.

If they were that bit older, I'd suggest you wait until they're at uni/18 and striking out on their own a bit. But five more years is a long time.

I'd disagree that they need you less at those ages, tbh. Differently, maybe, but not less.

I couldn't leave them in the UK and move back home. That would break my heart. If I wait I feel I would never get back. He has said we will go back when my eldest finishes school. But I feel so unhappy now I don't know what to do.

Can you go back and visit your family a few times per year for long holidays?

Could you divorce him now but stay in the U.K and spend time with family and friends over here?

I do go home twice a year but am limited to school holidays. Now the exams years are starting it has reduced to once a year. It used to be worth the sacrifice because I was madly in love I don't feel that way anymore. My family can't afford to come here. They have been a few times. I don't have any family here.

My worry is if I divorce him or even hint at unhappiness. I will never be able to move home with the children.

But, realistically, you're not going to get to move home with the dc. Your dh won't go until the eldest leaves school (and at that point, you can bet he won't go because the youngest needs to finish school).

If you did divorce, would the dc want to go to your home country with you?

It might be worth speaking to a solicitor about what your position is.

Could you move home and then come back to see the children in the holidays? What do your family suggest?

I haven't talked to my family about it. A solicitor is a good idea. The DC so love it there all their extended family and cousins are there. But they wouldn't be happy being apart from their Dad. DS wants to do A levels but I'd like him to get into the education system back there and do his last two years there. My DH isn't a bad person just selfish and I feel indifferent towards him. We don't fight but we also don't have an affection. He also doesn't want to do anything anymore. Just watch sport most of the weekend!!

Boysey45 DH wouldn't be able to care for the children his job is too demanding. I couldn't leave them. That isn't an option.

Having been in a similar position, though also involving my exh having an affair, I'd personally suggest preparing to leave with the kids (or asking him to move out), but staying in the UK until they are at least 18.
After we broke up, I was able to go out more alone (kids were a similar age), meet more people, have more fun and feel more independent, and life at home was far less frustrating without a man being there and doing nothing, or me waiting for him to come home and him not appearing. And when I was ready to date again, obviously that part of life was also more fun.
Basically as soon as he left, I started to feel less trapped and wanting to return home, and I'm now actually fine with not returning.

Have you got any means of reviving your career and/or training for a new one?

Ravenmum interesting you say about my career. I need to now do further study. I was a teacher but as I have been here so long and out of work I need to retrain. So that is a possibility. Or as you say retrain. Do you have a home abroad? How often do you visit?

I live in Germany, go to the UK for a short trip about once a year at the moment.

If you can retrain and there are not too many hoops to jump through that sounds good. Quite apart from the financial aspect, it makes such a difference if you feel independent, proud of your achievements and in your case have people to talk to (I work from home).

How about the social side of things? Before we separated my ex was especially shitty, and I realised the children were old enough that I could leave them alone in the evenings. I started looking for things I could do, to meet new friends. That was good when we did separate as I had already found things I could do without my ex, or the friends who just knew me as a wife.

When I started going out as a single woman, doing my own things, not just waiting around, it was like being in my early 20s again. Such a big difference to the trapped housewife situation.

He has said we will go back when my eldest finishes school.
You know that when that time comes, he'll just be at a really important stage of his career and about to get a promotion or something, and it's not the right time to move, right?

Yes that is what worries me Ravenmum

Why do you need to retrain if you're a teacher? Where u a teacher in this country? If u were elsewhere u should be able to get the degree "translated" to the equivalent here. Doing a year tops to get qts ( could be paid for too) im not from here either and am a teacher too (no family etc around) I know i couldnt just uproot the kids and move ideally, so what could u do? I couldnt leave my kids behind under no circumstances either which means i have to make it work here no matter what . England needs as many teachers as it can get. Youll be fine to find work.
You really cant just hold on to the fact he said youd move back to ur home country things change and he may have changed. If going back home is where ure heart is at, talk to the kids and see how they react. You dont need to make any decisions straight away x

Why don’t you see about taking a pgce or getting into a school as a volunteer/TA and then see how you feel in a year. You want to go home because you are lonely in your marriage. Start getting out and meeting new people

Thank you for listening