A few months back, I told my husband that I felt we needed help from Relate.
Though we've been together for sometime - ups and downs, but okay a lot of the time - our relationship began to unravel when he retired. I think I'd wanted him to become more helpful around the house and more emotionally available. (He'd been doing a demanding job, while I'd been doing bits and pieces of work to fit in while caring for children and an elderly father in law.) I also felt that his retirement would free me to do more paid work, with the family essentially grown up and gone.
But my husband had been so focused on his own needs and wishes - wanting to reinvent himself as a businessman in a hobby business based in our house with me providing admin/IT/marketing support- that he simply assumed things would carry on as normal with my enabling him to do what he wanted to do, and me fitting myself in around the edges. He'd cook meals - to 'do his share' - but expect me to tell him what to cook and what to get from the shops and how to deal with any queries while assembling the food, and then forget to put half the things on the table.
I felt that I'd spend a certain amount of time talking to him about the kinds of changes I'd like and what I needed, and he would say, 'Oh yes, I'll do that'. And he'd spend a few days being more attentive, and then would go back to being his old self.
The counsellor has been quite astute though we've not had that many joint sessions - three joint ones, and a couple of individual ones. She has pinpointed that while he does care about me, his upbringing has made him very self-sufficient. He just charges around trying to get as much done as he possibly can and this leads to my feeling not listened to. (He sort of listens to me, but only half and resolves to make operational improvements, but these resolutions slide as soon as he gets distracted by something he's interested in.)
What he has been unhappy about is the lack of sex -which constitutes emotional intimacy. The combination of menopause and his self-absorption means that while I can still find him an interesting companion at times, I don't really want to open myself up to him because it's then very wounding when he just charges off and forgets everything I've said and thinks that emotional intimacy can be achieved by having a quick shag even though he's otherwise pretty unaware of what's going on with me.
Anyway we've had a couple of weeks where he's tried really hard. He's been attempting a kind of low-level intimacy - hand-holding etc. He's tried hard to remember what I've been doing and to ask me about it. When he's asked me questions he's mainly listened to the answers, rather than just drifting off to his own thoughts or interrupting. But somehow it's always my fault. I've not made things sufficiently clear in some way, and that's why he's misunderstood/'got hold of the wrong end of the stick.'
Almost I was beginning to feel he could change. But then one or two things - nothing urgent or crucial - means that things to do with his hobby business (which he's meant to be winding down) have taken a bit more of his attention. And suddenly we're back to square one. He's asking me the odd question, but forgetting everything I said.
On a day when I was really busy and tired and hungry and had been out at work I came home and, he presented me with a very small baked potato and asked me for advice on fillings and forgot to make any salad and wanted to know what to do for dressing because we were out of one kind of vinegar. (We have four other kinds in the cupboard.)
I tried to keep my cool. (One of the things is that is hard is that if I get angry or upset he gets very defensive and that makes everything worse.) I got up and made us some dessert because I was still hungry. We discussed what we'd do later on. He wanted to watch the Johnson/Corbyn debate. Because I was so tired and thought it would be depressing and predictable I said no I couldn't face it and I suggested Masterchef on the other channel. If he wanted to watch the debate, I'd see Masterchef on the iPad. He said, 'Well it doesn't matter that much really' or something along those lines. And then we had a long conversation agreeing about how the predictability of Masterchef is enjoyable, so it seemed he was happy to watch that. I wanted us to do something relaxing together after a day when he had been charging about. The meal hadn't been that relaxing or enjoyable
So just before 8 I switched the TV on, wandered off for a minute and found he'd changed the channel. 'But we're watching Masterchef, we agreed' I said.' But he - who didn't seem to have been listening at supper said he thought I'd come to watch Johnson and Corbyn with him.
I am sorry this such a very long posting. But I do feel that going to see the counsellor was my final throw of the dice. And it now seems to me that he is what he is. I can try and behave in a civilised way to him. I can try not to be destructively angry towards him. But the way in which he behaves frustrates me and this means that I retreat from him emotionally.
I have posted on AIBU in the past but people there have often been quite vicious, though others have said insightful things. I thought I would try here and see if the response was bit more considered. Really I'm trying to work things out in my head before the next counselling session. (She cancelled yesterday - presumably she's unwell or there are family problems.)