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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was i manipulated into this?

11 replies

unknownn · 20/11/2019 09:21

My 'boyfriend' has always had a very high sex drive, he is obsessed with it. He was obsessed with sexting women which i found out about into our relationship, i ended it when i found out, took him back, caught him again, ended it again. Then took him back again (cause i am weak as hell). I tried to make it work for a few months even though he were changing, the trust issues and anxiety were too much and i ended it again. It had been 6 months. I resisted all contact with him. I had a moment of weakness 3 weeks ago and agreed to meet him. So gutted with myself but i did. We had a long chat in the pub about what he did and how he has affected me etc.. he were so accepting and apologetic. He knows how ill he has made me. As he always has been each time i caught him. Stupidly that eve i admitted i still loved him etc and im unsure where to go with our 'relationship' from here (he wants me back. always has). I told him though that no matter what, that i do not want to sleep with him. It would mess with my head even more right now, i couldnt handle it. He completely understood and said he wouldnt dare do that to me.
The evening went on and he kept hinting at getting a hotel room. Now to some on here you'd think duh why would he get a hotel other than to sleep with you? But we live far from eachother and meet two hours in the middle. So we used to stay in hotels all the time, its normal for us, just like popping home for a cuppa. So anyway, he kept hinting at it, saying he just wants to have a cuddle whilst we fall asleep cause he has missed me so much and we havent seen eachother for 6 months. I said no, because he can turn me on easily (fgs) and we would probably end up having sex and i'll feel crap after and i cant have that. He said sorry for saying about it etc and the evening went on. Before i knew it he had booked a hotel. And i just went a long with it, believing that he genuinely just wants a cuddle. We got in there and chatted for hours like he said he wanted too. We did kiss a lot that evening and everytime i felt like it may go further i said stop and he backed away and just gave me a cuddle. We turned the lights out and tried to sleep, just having a cuddle as he promised. Then about 2am in the morning i woke up to him trying to kiss me, on top of me in the dark. He started doing things that he knows turns me on, and in the moment i forgot about everything and i gave in and let him go all the way. I were devastated after, i just cant believe what an utter fool i am. I know i should never have gone to that hotel room, shouldnt have let him even kiss me, i guess i just hoped and believed he really did love me and want the best for me like he made out he did :( I cant help but feel like i were pushed into this, he clearly knew that it would be awful and would screw me up if we slept together. He knows how to get me in that mood so that any sane thought i have goes out the window. I feel like i have been manipulated by him. Its hard because once he got me in the mood, i didnt refuse it, so i guess i cant say he forced me to do anything. But to me it feels like he set it all up and i feel so empty and pathetic from it now. I have ended it again, and im going to be the strongest i can to stay away from him, he does nothing good for me nor my health. Does anyone have any advice or opinions from an outside pov? Please be gentle. Thank you

OP posts:
worriedmumtoteen · 20/11/2019 09:24

Do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your standards for your next relationship. Why on earth did you take him back after he'd repeatedly sexted other women? Why did you accept being treated so badly? Work on your self esteem.

Block him on everything and focus on other areas of your life: work, friends etc. Keep busy and distracted.

He's bad news. You can do so much better.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2019 09:27

Well, yes, you were manipulated into everything you did with him that evening.

Based on his previous behaviour though, the signs were not exactly subtle.

You are your own worst enemy as it stands now. You keep going back for more and he knows it.

Block him. Keep him blocked. No more excuses.

Butterymuffin · 20/11/2019 09:28

Well, yes, of course he manipulated you and of course he set it all up. But you made a mistake. You can start again and decide that this is the last time. Doing something daft doesn't make you a worthless person. I would say try the Freedom Programme or something similar though to help you in this.

unknownn · 20/11/2019 09:31

I always thought i respected myself and had self esteem but i think ive realized i definitely dont :( I'll definitely try the freedom programme thank you @worriedmumtoteen

OP posts:
LemonTT · 20/11/2019 10:28

He didn’t meet with you as a friend or to give you closure. He met with you to hook you in and have sex. If he wasn’t clear then he was indeed manipulative.

Why did you meet him? In a pub a long way from home. To tell him he hurt you? You did that before surely. As a friend, then why not for a coffee and with an exit plan? You had intentions as well.

But his biggest manipulation is the pretence that you mean something more to him. Really you don’t. He wants you back as a challenge. And, like all serial cheaters he needs a girlfriend or wife to keep others at bay. One who puts up with his cheating, is out of the way and a bit clingy. You are his constant excuse for never going further with the other girls.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 20/11/2019 10:33

OP you need to delete all his contact details and block all method he has to contact you. You are not safe, either mentally or physically with this man. Take this step now to protect yourself.

Shoxfordian · 20/11/2019 10:36

Why are you wasting your time with this loser? I agree with the above, you need to block and delete asap

Your ex boyfriend is a waste of oxygen

MrsMaiselsMuff · 20/11/2019 10:37

Please block him on everything.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2019 10:39

I mean this gently but you need to take some personal responsibility here. It was very very clear what he as aiming for, you knew what he wanted.

Was it manipulation, possibly, probably, but again you're an adult and need to take responsibility for your own actions, meeting him, snogging him, getting a hotel room with him etc.

Maybe try to understand why you keep going back to him like this.understand your true feelings here.

MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 20/11/2019 11:14

I don't think you were manipulated.
He seems pretty open about what he wanted. You should have left at the first mention of the hotel.

You went along because you were lying to yourself that he would change or that he could be blamed for sleeping together.
You had complete control of yourself in this situation but you chose not to control your urges.

Elodie2019 · 20/11/2019 11:38

He made it pretty clear what he wanted. He pursued you, flattered you and was persistent.
I don't think you were manipulated as you clearly knew what you were doing.
You let yourself go along with it.

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