My 'boyfriend' has always had a very high sex drive, he is obsessed with it. He was obsessed with sexting women which i found out about into our relationship, i ended it when i found out, took him back, caught him again, ended it again. Then took him back again (cause i am weak as hell). I tried to make it work for a few months even though he were changing, the trust issues and anxiety were too much and i ended it again. It had been 6 months. I resisted all contact with him. I had a moment of weakness 3 weeks ago and agreed to meet him. So gutted with myself but i did. We had a long chat in the pub about what he did and how he has affected me etc.. he were so accepting and apologetic. He knows how ill he has made me. As he always has been each time i caught him. Stupidly that eve i admitted i still loved him etc and im unsure where to go with our 'relationship' from here (he wants me back. always has). I told him though that no matter what, that i do not want to sleep with him. It would mess with my head even more right now, i couldnt handle it. He completely understood and said he wouldnt dare do that to me.
The evening went on and he kept hinting at getting a hotel room. Now to some on here you'd think duh why would he get a hotel other than to sleep with you? But we live far from eachother and meet two hours in the middle. So we used to stay in hotels all the time, its normal for us, just like popping home for a cuppa. So anyway, he kept hinting at it, saying he just wants to have a cuddle whilst we fall asleep cause he has missed me so much and we havent seen eachother for 6 months. I said no, because he can turn me on easily (fgs) and we would probably end up having sex and i'll feel crap after and i cant have that. He said sorry for saying about it etc and the evening went on. Before i knew it he had booked a hotel. And i just went a long with it, believing that he genuinely just wants a cuddle. We got in there and chatted for hours like he said he wanted too. We did kiss a lot that evening and everytime i felt like it may go further i said stop and he backed away and just gave me a cuddle. We turned the lights out and tried to sleep, just having a cuddle as he promised. Then about 2am in the morning i woke up to him trying to kiss me, on top of me in the dark. He started doing things that he knows turns me on, and in the moment i forgot about everything and i gave in and let him go all the way. I were devastated after, i just cant believe what an utter fool i am. I know i should never have gone to that hotel room, shouldnt have let him even kiss me, i guess i just hoped and believed he really did love me and want the best for me like he made out he did :( I cant help but feel like i were pushed into this, he clearly knew that it would be awful and would screw me up if we slept together. He knows how to get me in that mood so that any sane thought i have goes out the window. I feel like i have been manipulated by him. Its hard because once he got me in the mood, i didnt refuse it, so i guess i cant say he forced me to do anything. But to me it feels like he set it all up and i feel so empty and pathetic from it now. I have ended it again, and im going to be the strongest i can to stay away from him, he does nothing good for me nor my health. Does anyone have any advice or opinions from an outside pov? Please be gentle. Thank you