Help to move on from my narcissistic ex...

[Flamingo89]

I broke up with my ex 6 weeks ago and after a couple of weeks I started to feel less like my world had ended... then he got back in touch. He begged and pleaded with me to meet him and like an idiot I went and we slept together. He messed around with my head for a few weeks and now I’ve cut all contact with him but I feel miserable! I know he will find a way to get in contact with me again, how do I stop myself from going back? It’s like a drug addiction! I know he’s awful to me but still fun as soon as he gets in touch. It’s been 3 years of turmoil... how do I break free?

It's really, really hard, @Flamingo89 and I think there's an element of accepting that "okay, I'm going to feel horrific for a while, but I just have to get through it". I've been there and I felt exactly the same as you - that it was an addiction, I knew how bad he was for me but I craved his contact, attention and affection.

Cutting contact is exactly the right thing to do, as agonising as it is. I OBSESSED over him. What got me through it was working on myself - going to the gym, so I started feeling good about myself again, forcing myself to meet up with friends, and starting to casually date.

There's no getting away from it though - it's so hard. You just have to get through the days by whatever means possible.

💐

You need to be strong. At some point we have to take responsibility and not let these people back into our lives. Yes, he likely will try, but you have to be stronger and not cave.

Look at why you let him back the last time. Why did you do it? Were you lonely? Hoping he'd change? Whatever it was, work on making sure you don't do it again.

Keep going back and you are only putting your life on hold.

@RedPandaFluff how are you now? How long ago was it? I was so strong before I met him, knew what I wanted and would never take any crap like I have done. He brings nothing positive to my life yet I’m still obsessed and heartbroken... I don’t understand it!

I wish I knew why I always let him back after cheating, lying, accusing me of stuff I haven’t done, making me feel worthless... I really wish I knew.

Block his number from your phone, block him on social media, avoid places where you might bump into him, if he comes round don't answer the door.

It will hurt like hell but only for about 3 months. If you keep on letting him contact you it will go on and on hurting.

There is a breakup thread on here that you will almost certainly find helpful.

@Flamingo89 the relationship ended five years ago. We'd been together for four years (on and off, due to his power-game playing). I actually ended it for good after I asked him if he cared about me and was committed to me; he point-blank refused to answer. It was the last straw for my dignity as I felt completely worthless by this point. I was absolutely broken - I remember crying my eyes out in the toilets at work, I felt destroyed, I hated him for what he'd done to me (or rather, hated myself for allowing him to do it to me) and yet I was devastated that he wasn't trying to get in touch! I needed him so badly, I didn't think I would ever get over the pain. It all sounds so melodramatic and self-absorbed but I honestly couldn't see past it.

Interestingly, it was only when he realised that I was determined to move on this time that he came back and said all the things I'd wanted to hear. Luckily I recognised what was happening and managed to not slide back.

I really believe the drugs analogy is a good one - it takes ages to truly get it out of your system and realise that you don't "need" it.

Now, I'm about to turn 40, I'm married to the most loving, kind, funny, caring man, and our baby girl is due next month. I've gone from wanting to die from pain and heartbreak to the happiest I've ever been. Stay strong and you'll feel better over time, I promise!

Oh and I don't know if this applies to you but I eventually realised that I was playing games too. Part of the pain I felt when he was being unavailable and distant was because I felt that he had the upper hand, that he had "won" in some way, that he had the power. I always felt better/happy when he was nice to me or the balance of power shifted to me. It really felt like a power struggle at times; so, so unhealthy! I had to really focus on letting go of that and it wasn't a part of my personality that I'm proud of . . .

Apparently it's worse than breaking a heroin addiction and going cold turkey with no contact is the only way!

You have got this! Try and keep yourself busy with a new hobby maybe?

@RedPandaFluff it does apply... I get a bust of satisfaction when the power struggle changes... but I think he lets it slide because he’s aware of that. I need to let go of it altogether... neither or us is going to ‘win’

I wish I knew why I always let him back
YEP - we all do.
If we knew and could bottle it and sell it, we'd all be billionaires!!!
It's gonna be tough.
You need to have your friends looking out for you.
You need to block him on everything.
You need to totally ignore him if he tried to contact you.
And that means TOTALLY IGNORE' him.
If he gets any kind of response he will keep pushing.
But, the rest is down to will-power and knowing your own worth.
Counselling might help.
Also do the Freedom Programme on line.
If you feel yourself weaken, you can post on here and we can help 'talk you out of it'
But it's about staying strong and keeping busy.

How are you doing, @Flamingo89?

@RedPandaFluff Im doing ok thank you! Feeling a bit down with it coming up for the festive period but nowhere near as unhappy as I was before we broke up. Thank you for checking in on me, that’s really nice x

That's progress, @Flamingo89! Totally get the festive season sadness though.

You're getting there - keep going! Get 'clean' at last