Do I leave

[TOPPOT]

I've been thinking about leaving my husband for a few years now. We have two kids in secondary school and have been together over 20 years.
He does very little around the house. Used to do nothing. I do all the finances, cooking ect.
My main problem is lack of intimacy, feeling unloved, and unwanted sexually.
For years I feel like he has avoided intimacy by working on his home computer most evenings or watching films. He constantly walks around the house watching things on his phone, whilst getting ready for work and when he gets home. Never comes to bed with me and when asked, told me he watches porn 3 times a week. Sex has dried up with him only initiating it once in the past 2 years. That was on holiday and I turned him down telling him that he only wanted it because the porn he usually replaces me with was not available there.
The real sting in this is that he has a female work colleague who he is really good friends with. They text each other loads. Couple of years ago the texts got a bit flirty which I didn't think he was capable of being. I put a stop to that but have caught him out deleting them 3 times last year. He has lied to me each time until confronted with proof. He is very supportive to her but hasn't been to me. For example a few years ago I had anxiety and depression and he told me that he didn't have the emotional energy to support me i.e. to talk to me. I asked him to do one thing for me which was to wash up after I cook dinner and he said that he doesn't always feel like washing up the same day so it doesn't happen. I actually don't think that they are having an affair but I think he respects her more than me and he invests more of his 'emotional energy' in her than me.
I've spoken to him twice this year about how lonely I feel and why and he literally doesn't have anything to say to me. I felt so disappointed after our last discussion that I decided not to try anymore to avoid future disappointment. He forgot our wedding anniversary this year for the first time which did not surprise me. I am worried about the effect on the kids and him if I leave.

What about the effect on the kids if you stay?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. You are mired in your own misery due to your H's behaviours and he is also conducting what is here an emotional affair in front of your very eyes. He has no respect for you or his family unit whatsoever.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like yours is; no you would not. But you are showing them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

I would be more concerned frankly about the effects this model of a relationship you are both showing them will have on the kids as adults re their own relationships. What factors have prevented you from making a clean break from your so called husband?. It could be argued you have stayed for your own reasons, nothing to do really with the kids.

I would leave in your situation. It sounds miserable and you deserve to either be happy on your own or happy with someone who cherishes you.
Staying with him will lower your self esteem further and mess with your head.

This sounds miserable and very lonely. Yes, I think you need to end it for all your sakes.

But would he leave? Or would you leave and take the kids with you?

You deserve a better life than this Op x

I was in a very similar situation, but I had also checked out. We split and I feel so much better, like a weight had been lifted. My MH also improved.

What does he add to your life that is positive?

If he's investing more emotional energy into her than you then he is having an affair. Emotional affairs are real and very displacing. Sadly very common too.

www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/7/28/whats-emotional-affair

Ask him if any of this rings true?

If you want it to work it sounds like you'll both need to make some changes. You deserve better than this but that doesn't necessarily mean that you can't have that from him.

He’s checked out of your marriage although for reasons of his own he seems satisfied with the status quo of not committing to the other woman while still getting his emotional needs met by her.

You will leave, but only you’ll know when you’re ready for that step. Start doing things without him, go out with the kids, make an effort with old friends to meet for lunch, join interest groups etc. learn to be a separate person since you are already except for the appearance of being married.

Staying is just showing the kids that a crap relationship is the norm and what they can look forward to mirroring as adults. That thought was one that propelled me to leave my ex - I realised that my teen daughter’s example of a relationship she was learning from me was very negative and I didn’t want her to think that was acceptable for herself.

All our lives are a thousand times better now a few years down the track, and my only regret was not getting the courage to change it sooner.

I think the kids are unaware. We don't argue. I even stayed calm when I confronted him. I actually think the kids will see me as the bad person if I leave. The reason I've stayed is that I worry he might kill himself although he has never threatened to he has depression. I also lived in hope for a long time. I know that his family and my family will think I'm mad because he's been a good man for a long time.

The last time I caught him out deleting his texts I told him we were over and would seperate once the kids had done their GCSEs. 2 days later he hadn't even tried to talk me out of it. I was hurting so bad. It was like grief. I asked him whether he intended to say anything to prevent the separation and he said that he didn't know what he could say. I suggested he apologised and promised to stop it and he did. We got back together. I had never felt so much emotional pain. I guess I've been trying to make it work to protect myself from feeling this again but I think I need to find my strength and leave.

Just to clarify, I would never leave my kids and I wouldnt just take them with me leaving him alone. They would live between us.

He thinks you wont leave .. unless you don’t make good on your promise or threats he is going to go on his merry way ..

Sort all that needs sorting and plan your exit ..

He seems to have already checked out ..

If you can leave .. Life is too short to be a doormat .. and as your kids are older I am pretty sure they can see the cracks .. its a crap situation but OP you are so worth more!

Thank you everyone who has commented. I agree with the comments and I think I will leave next year. I'm going to start planning now. It's hard when we have been through so much together and I have friends with abusive husbands who stay with them.

I am in a very similar situation. I have one DS at school in year 10. When he has left I will need to go. Emotional affairs =emotional abuse. Its not nice! I just hope one day I will feel better from it. He stays at my house a lot and I cannot stop him and do not know what to do. Sorry people I should do my own thread I an new to this and don't know how.

Thatagain I'm a bit confused at your comment. Do you live with your partner?

I was in a similar situation but he left me. It's only afterwards I saw how bad it had got. Don't rush but start to get plans in place because you don't know how he will react. Early January is peak season for marriage break ups. It's daunting after a long marriage but liberating too, I highly recommend tinder