My husband has left me, now what?

[whogoncheckmeBoo]

After 20 years of marriage my husband left this week. Just come home from work and said I’m going. We have had a very stressful and difficult year and things have slowly deteriorated. I have been hard work to live with and so has he so things have not been good. I don’t want this but he won’t come back. I am beyond devastated, how do people cope?

What an awful shock for you, 1st of all make sure you drink and eat. Sweet tea is good.

Have you got children? It’s amazing how strong you can be for them.

I didn’t tell work for a while I found it easier to be ‘normal’ there.

Look into any benefits you are entitled to.

It will take time but you will do it! x

Thanks for the reply,
2 children both teens, one is fine one is devastated.

I have not ate a thing so will try to do that today. Part of the reason for the break down has been that I have completely neglected myself this year. I am fat and this has contributed to the breakdown .

I will need to tell work because I can’t go in. But other than that I am so ashamed I can’t tell anyone

There’s nothing to be ashamed about, marriages fail all the time have you got a close friend you can confide in?

If you have had a rough year he should have been there to support you not make you feel worse about your appearance. x

So sorry you are going through this. It is tough but you will survive. At the moment you are in shock and grief. If your husband had dropped down dead you would get lots of support. When they walk out the emotions are the same but the support isn't.

First thing is to look after yourself. No one else will. Eat and sleep. Forget the blame for the end of the marriage that you got fat. Husbands who check out blame their wives. It is part of the script. Each situation will be different but it will not be their fault. I was the wrong personality. Go figure.

You probably don't feel like it but now your husband has gone start to get the financial paperwork sorted. Get copies of payslips, pensions, bills and if you have a joint account and savings set up your own account today and transfer half the money over. Do you have a joint tenancy or mortgage. How is housing going to work? You have a period of time whilst he is feeling so happy he has gone to get your financial and legal ducks in a row. When reality kicks in he is likely to be much more careful about his stuff.

Have you told the children? When you do tell their schools so that they can be supported there.

Find one friend to tell. You will be feeling shame because your husband's rubbish has been projected onto you. Working out what is his and what is yours will take time but don't fear seeking help and support because you think it is all your fault. It isn't.

These things happen and it is very common but each of us think it will never be us ! There is NO shame involved . Some people are just unable to talk about the ending of a relationship and so they take the easy way out and run and blame their spouse. How do people cope ? You have 20 years of marriage . Your expected future has disappeared in an instant . It is a huge shock and your body and mind will be in shock . Just deal with the basics for now - the finances - as someone said above - set up your own bank account and transfer 1/2 of it to you . You will need to liaise with your H about mortgage at some point. It's early days - take your time. This time is sheer hell but you will get there .

Im so sorry... just know that you WILL BE OK. You and your children will be just fine if not better in the future. You are in shock and have a lot to grief for. If you look at the stages of grief (when someone passes) the ones for separation are pretty similar, they could help you start seeing the bigger picture as you move through them. As pp have said, now it is all about looking after yourself. Make sure you eat (probably the last thing on your mind) vut having a decent amount of fuel put in ur body will make ypu much better at dealing with your emotions let alone the everyday stuff. Make sure you start looking into the practicalities. A lot of the begative things you feel in separation is the complete lack of control over ur life and the not know how life is gonna work going forward. Make sure you know how practical day to day life is gonna work. Look into benefits if u have to , get the ball rolling for ur own peace of mind. Write a list of all the bad points of ur ex and the difficulties of living together (we tend to fantasise and cry over the ideal relationship we had or wanted , it often is not a true representation of what reality has been or would have been if u stayed together. Treat urself, whatever rocks ur boat, i spent obscene amounts on clothes when i found myself there... this is gonna be awful, but its gonna get better and you will be ok.

I'm so sorry.

Please do confide in friends or family, they will want to help and support you. I'm another who has had the same happen, I'm a few months in.

Please eat what you can, when you can. Smoothies or sugary drinks and whatever food you can eat. The lack of appeitie is normal, you are in shock.

Do take pp advice on getting copies of paperwork and getting some independant finacial security. Look at benefits sooner rather than later and try and work out securing you and your childrens accomodation for the short term.

Consider therapy if you are able, if not speak to the GP for a referral.

Its horrible, traumatic and painful and such hard work BUT you will be ok. Lean on whoever you can when you can and let yourself have the space and time you need.

I'm so sorry, what a terrible shock, even if things haven't been great it still knocks you sideways.

But don't blame yourself, people don't leave a 20 year marriage with children because the other one got a bit fatter. It's not your fault, it's his responsibility too.

Try to think about the financials and the future. It's hard when things are this raw but the decisions you make now can have real consequences for your future so if you can, take it one step at a time and work through your position and try to think what you want. When I got divorced I felt like I could deal with all that later and made some mistakes which cost me dearly (financially).

Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, as sad as it is this is not uncommon and your friends and family won't judge you.

Thanks all,
I don’t have any friends, I was in this relationship from young so friendships drifted apart and I have prioritised my family over everything so I don’t have anyone now my husband has left.
(So u all have to be my friends!)
What is making it hard is he has left why he is at his ‘prime’ and I am at my lowest. Plus I don’t want him to go and have made a fool of myself begging him not to go.
He has said he needs space so no texts/contact. Why he has time out to ‘think’ I feel he is just trying to ease me into it being final so I don’t go completely psycho, so I am trying to fight for him with one hand then think leave him alone.

We have lots linked finances but I am at home and I could finance it all myself (just) but he has lots of cash - all hidden- so I know that is going to be a nightmare.

They not to text or call him and definately don't beg. Choose to take this time to consider what you really want.

Try not to. Keep your dignity.

My heart goes out to you OP. I can totally empathise with how you feel. My husband left last week and I am totally heartbroken. I'm trying to look after myself but am struggling to sleep / eat and the anxiety is crippling but I keep hoping that tomorrow will be better and the day after a bit better than that. I stupidly called my DH earlier in floods of tears begging for another chance and now regret it and I don't want to look desperate. Try and leave him alone for a few days. Get your head together and take the time to look at what you want. I'm really scared of being alone (don't know why, I always thought i was independent) but I'm trying to work out if its him i really want or just a husband. Feel free to PM me if you want a chat x

Thanks everyone xx
Oh god the begging and humiliating texts I sent... I feel like a fool. I thought I was fighting for my family and I would do anything for us to be together. And now less than 42 hrs later I can see this has all been well planned out. That has strengthen my resolve .

He has been planning this for a long time and you are catching up.

Be kind to yourself. Eat and drink when you can. Go to your gp for support and consider medication. It will help settle your over whelming emotions. Tell people. Gather anyone around you who will listen. I never thought I had friends. Just people I say hi too. When ex left I went and cried in my neighbour. They were happy to be supportive.

Have a look into counselling. Some charities do low cost service. To give you a safe place to talk things through.

Start a journal. Write it all in there. I wrote draft e mails. With all my emotions but never sent them. In reflection they were embarrassing.

Start moving his stuff. He wants out so help him. Gather his belongings in one place. Spare room. Attic etc. Have a good sort through the whole house. Move the furniture around and buy new bedding. Small differences help. My ex took great offence to this. That was because I was taking some control back from him.

Gather any paper work and copy everything. Bank statements etc. Get a good solicitor. If there are hidden assists. And pensions you have a fight a head of you.

Look into benefits council tax reduction etc. Tell work and schools. Let others support you. This close to Christmas sucks so think carefully about how that looks. And do the right thing by you. If him being around isn't going to work for you then don't have him in the house. Arrange contact for the children. He doesn't get to Swan in and out of the house as if he still lives there. Time to our firm boundaries in place.

I know how broken you feel. It has taken me the best part of 2 years to get my shit together. But you know you will survive because you have too. Keep posting here it really helps to have a sounding board.

And be prepared for a. Ow. Yes some people do leave relationships just because they have broken down but I am sure you have read enough mn to know it is usually an ow.

Go as low contact as you can with him. Fake it if you have too. Money through cms. House etc through solicitor.

Thanks so much, got some good advice. Because 3 days in and I have some evidence there is a woman either involved or he is ‘making his move’ I feel like I am going to explode from emotion.

And the Money stuff has started. Asking me to be fair and amicable with assets- it’s the only text he has sent me!
And he has still not said we’re over for good. Just ‘in case we don’t get back together’.

You will be proud of me - I have ignored it (it’s one been 1 hour though)

Christ I want to scream and shout and
Let him know what I have found out and tell him exactly what I think. And beg him come home and tell him I love him and I fancy him even if he doesn’t fancy me . MUST RESIST!

How do you deal with this ??!!!

I was just thinking that there is likely to be another woman involved and then your latest post, OP. Make a nice cup of tea and start reading the Chump Lady. You have been doing the 'pick me dance' and there is no shame in it - it's just part of the process - but you can do yourself a favour and stop.

www.chumplady.com

Write it all down. Notes. Journals. Draft e mails. It needs to come out. Just don't send it to him. Sleep on any communication before you send anything. Take all emotion out. Keep everything business like and short and too the point.

Get legal advice about assets etc don't let him discuss it with you. I would reply with I will send you my solicitors details once I have that organised

I know how very hard it is to just switch off. It took me six months of ex dicking around. It cost me emotionally and financially. He had no intention of doing right by me. He just used me and my vulnerability.

I am say with a tea now, I can’t read chump lady, I can’t believe this has happened to me. I have always been the family where we do everything together, best friends, reliable and all that. For it to change so dramatically is a bad head fuck

It's awful. Am so sorry, OP. Don't make any agreements with him until you have had time to think and talk about what you want. x

I'm so sorry OP, I'm going through similar. My OH walked out on me and the children last night whilst i was sleeping. I knew it was coming as he has been acting off for weeks but the way he's gone about it is so cruel. I woke up to find texts from him saying he's left us, he has cheated and he is sorry etc.

Please don't send him any begging texts. He doesn't deserve them. It sounds like you know there is an OW involved? How did you find out?

Stay strong. Keep writing here. You can do this