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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel trapped please help me.

15 replies

paramore109 · 20/11/2019 00:11

So I’ve been with my partner for 6 years And in 2016 our first child died suddenly and since then we’ve had a little girl who was born in september. After our child died he became a serial cheat and I have caught him multiple times but I kept holding on because I felt a huge emptiness that my child had left behind and hoped that when we finally managed to have another baby he would finally stop. Things had been going great we had moved to a new house and I thought we were starting afresh however I’ve found he’s never actually stopped cheating and is still currently doing it and lying to me. It has also just occurred to me that actually he’s managed to now isolate me from everyone who would support me and love me as I’m now miles away. I seriously feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown I do not know what to even do. I’m in such a low place right now and I hate myself I just don’t know how to get out of this situation. Any advice would be absolutely beyond appreciated, I just need someone right now. Thankyou

OP posts:
bestthingsinlife · 20/11/2019 00:20

Didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Is there anyone you can speak to IRL about this? It may help start the ball rolling for you, and you'll find the people he's isolated you from will continue to be there for you no matter what.

Personally I'd be making steps to leave this man - he's not doing anything for you. I understand your circumstances are difficult though and the pain you've suffered is going to have a big impact on how you're feeling too. I'm sure someone will be along shortly with some brilliant advice but until then I can offer a hand hold.

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2019 00:29

Time to go. Its horrible and it's sad, but none of this is your fault. Or fixable.

You have a wonderful baby girl who is going to love you so much. And you owe it to her and yourself, to get yourself away from this nasty person, who only cares about himself and his own selfish desires.

Original poster
paramore109 · 20/11/2019 00:56

@bestthingsinlife Thank you for replying to me! I don’t really have anyone at the minute as they’re all far away and I find it too upsetting/embarrassing to speak to my mum or sister about it. I know obviously I’ve nothing to be embarrassed about as I’ve not actually done anything wrong but I feel embarrassed at how badly I’ve let myself get lost/treated.

@pinkbonbon thank you for your response. I know I must go I literally can’t do this anymore and it’s destroying what is left of me. It’s my daughter I’m worried about, I don’t want him to ever take her away from me even for a minute as I’m terrified she will leave me like her brother and I can’t do it again. I don’t know how to get away but I know I must 😩

OP posts:
LillyJean1 · 20/11/2019 01:12

@paramore109 this broke my heart a little reading this because I have been there (not the loss of a child which would be difficult enough and I am so sorry for your loss) all the other stuff. I so understand the embarrassment of not telling people and letting people think things are fine and I think the reason I done this was like you say feeling disappointed in myself but also because I wasn't ready to let everyone else know because I always thought it would get better. It won't get better... You will feel every emotions under the sun from guilt (it's not your fault)! You and your baby deserve a happy life and you can have that without him treating you so badly.

How far have you moved from family?

Houses and things are replaceable/can be sold etc .... You need support around you especially with baby being so new. I'd kick his ass out and move mum in until your ready to move if it was possible. I don't know your circumstances and maybe your mum works etc but I'll bet that your family will be there in a heart beat when they know how u feel.

Original poster
paramore109 · 20/11/2019 01:20

@lillyjean1 Thank you!! And thank you so so much for your reply. I’m about 3.5 hours away from my mum etc. At the time we moved I was desperate to go. I woke up to find my son had died in his sleep at the house we currently had at the time and I refused to ever step foot in it again. I needed to move before our house was sold and in order to afford something in those circumstances I had to move out the area. During that time he convinced me it would be a fresh start to move out the area and everything would be great as we could move instantly etc but obviously it’s not great and I hate it. I definitely need to get my head together!

OP posts:
fit4more · 20/11/2019 01:26

So sorry OP. I’ve been here. Everything you’ve described apart from the cheating. Grief can be incredibly destructive. Firstly, have you had any counselling/support? Is it only after your child died that he started cheating? He never did it before? How far is your mum from you? If I was you, I’d organise to go spend a week with your mum or sister. Take baby and go for a “holiday”. Get some space and some help. Confide in your loved ones. You need help and support. You are grieving, postnatal and traumatised. Go to those that love you and surround yourself with love and support. When you have that, organise for you and your partner to get bereavement counselling.

fit4more · 20/11/2019 01:28

They say not to make any huge financial decisions the first year after a traumatic bereavement. You need to get back to your support system.

Original poster
paramore109 · 20/11/2019 01:33

@fit4more thankyou for your reply and I’m sorry you’ve been there it’s the worst thing in the world. I had bereavement counselling through Macmillan however I didn’t find it helpful which maybe i hadn’t had long enough to get my head around it because I literally used to go and not even be able to get any words out for crying and I felt like I was wasting her time. I’m not even sure wether it only started after he died because tbh I was really happy before that I thought I had everything I wanted and wouldn’t even notice. Which tbf once again I was happy with my daughter then my friend sent me a screen grab of his tinder profile so I went looking on his phone and once again there’s MULTIPLE people. I feel abit silly going back to my mum as I spent two weeks there when I first had my daughter as my partner couldn’t take paternity leave and I’d just had a section. I will definitely look into bereavement counselling again! Thank you

OP posts:
TOPPOT · 20/11/2019 07:50

You need to leave him
You will never trust him
He will always cheat because he is proactively looking to do it on Tinder
People don't treat people they love like this
You will end up having that breakdown
Go to your mother's x

LillyJean1 · 20/11/2019 09:14

@paramore109 ... What @TOPPOT said.

Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you that way especially with what you have both been through and just having a baby.

Out of curiosity does he know you know about the tinder and other cheating? Have you confronted him? What is his response?

category12 · 20/11/2019 09:20

I think your first step should be to tell your mum (if you normally have a good relationship with her).

I would want you to leave him, come home and we'd work the rest out from there, if I was her.

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

Ilovethekitties · 20/11/2019 09:23

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Please call your mum. Your mum will help you.

NotStayingIn · 20/11/2019 09:33

Don’t feel silly or embarrassed, none of this is your fault. The main thing is that you are realising that this is not how you want your life to continue. Trying to work out the next steps of what you would like instead will be a good place to start. And get help with that from friends, a bereavement councillor, family. I assume your mom would much rather you confided in her and let her help you then to continue to be unhappy. Good luck OP Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 20/11/2019 09:49

Im so sorry for your loss. Perhaps more counselling will help- its such an enormous loss you will need lots of support.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about with your mum and sister. You’ve suffered the worst thing that can happen to anyone. You’ve been very vulnerable and need support they will surely want to help you. I can totally understand your need to move away but he has let you down at a time when you needed him. Good luck

Original poster
paramore109 · 20/11/2019 11:24

Thank you all for your replies! I very much appreciate all the advice and support off you all.
He knows I know about the tinder etc first response was him saying I’m a liar because it doesn’t exist then when I shown him the proof
It was that it’s nothing to do with him even though his number etc is on it. Can literally show him a text he has sent with his number on it and he will still deny it. He is a compulsive liar and I definitely need to get out. Every time I confront him he always starts on me personally telling me how I’m a liar and calling me a dickhead etc or tells me to shut up as soon as I mention anything. There is no respect

OP posts:
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