I'm not happy

[mumofboysnot1but2]

Hi
I've been with hubby for 12 years married for 2. We have 3 boys, my stepson 14 and 2 together 7 and 3. My stepson came to live with us almost 2 years ago following a Terrible time with his mum, social services places him in our care. Which is fine, I wouldn't have it any other way, I love him ad my own anyway!
For over 12 months now my husband has accused me of having an affair, which is not true. He is seriously paranoid, in total he has accused me of sleeping with over 5 different people. All of whom I know but am not remotely interested in. Now he has said to me that he can not get over the feeling that I am or am going to cheat on him. I have never given him any reason to think this way, its tearing me apart.
Since these accusations started j havemt felt the same about him, it's almost like he has pushed me away. He has said some very nasty and hurtful things to me and infront of the kids at times too.
A few weeks ago at a friends wedding he got really drunk and kicked off basically on anybody that would listen. Because I ignored him he blamed me for his actions. He threatened to kill me and thr kids. I know he was very drunk but still I cang forget it. I told him there and then that it was over but he wont go. I had to phone the police to remove him. Ge denied saying these things to me and said he couldn't remember. Thing is though a lot of what he said was on the phone, as in his anger he had stormed off down his mums. I had recorded the phone calls and have played them and the answer phone messages back to him, he called me a fat slug, a tramp etc. He honestly looked disgusted in himself, however like I say I cant forget dfat hes said. I cant look at him,he ledt md alomd for 1 week but then came back home and has completely ignored anything I have said. Begging me to give it until christmas.
I feel so confused, is it my fault he feels this way and did those things to me. Should I just forget what hes said? Or should I do what my head is telling me and leave? He wouldn't leave and j know he wouldn't, hes proven that. Also hd would make my life absolute hell if I did leave. I really dong know how to go about it. Its difficult, I cant leave and go my mums as we live next door.
I am at my wits end x

Gtf as fast and as far away from him as possible. He us an abuser and will only get worse.

Even if it us just to your mums at first, at least you will be able to sleep safely there. Hopefully. Make sure he doesn't have a copy of the key.

Hello - he threatend to kill you. He's a total psychopath. Drink doesn't do that, nor is it an excuse. He is dangerous to you and your children. This isn't your fault and you cannot fix it.

Run.

''is it my fault he feels this way and did those things to me.'

Of course not. xxxxx So, has he always been a bit like this?

Either way, it's not safe, you have to leave to protect yourself and your kids.

He hasn't always been like this no, I think he is suffering from depression since his son came to live with us. Not through any fault of his sons, I think the thought of what he went through has tormented my husband and he feels that he let his son down by not knowing what went on. His change in mood and attitude came after his son came to us. I've tried to get him to see a dr but he refuses, saying theres nothing wrong with him.
I really want to leave I really do but I cant find the strength to, as I said I feel guilty for wanting to leave x

He feels bad for his son so he abuses his family in front of him....? Really? Lol. The nonsense we tell ourselves to try and understand shitty behaviour.

The fact is, your husband is behaving like an abusive asshole. It is not justifiable. Infact, it's even more disgusting because his son apparently had problems in his last place and now, doesn't even have a safe home environment here.

Stop looking for reasons behind his behaviour. A, you're likely way off. And B they don't actually matter.

He's become volatile and dangerous, to you and your children. And I'd you don't find that strength to get out of there from somewhere, your kids may pay the price. So buck up, give your head a wobble, get your arse in gear and get out that door. You can do it!

Being depressed does not cause you to be an asshole he’s doing that all on his own. Op he has made threats to kill not only you but your kids. There is NEVER an excuse for that. If you can leave for you, do it for your kids, they deserve to be safe.

OP, do not ever feel guilty for wanting to leave him. It’s his dangerous choices that have put you in this situation in the first place

No normal parent ever threAtens to kill his family, even if drunk. That alone would be a huge red flag.

I feel like I just needed some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. I asked him to leave again a week ago. He said no and asked that we can give it until Christmasand if I still feel the same after he will willingly go. He wont though, and I know he wont we will still be here in a few weeks time having the same conversation.

Get an appointment with a solicitor who will advise you. I'd ask about restraining orders and information about getting a legal separation/divorce from your husband.
You can't carry on like this.
A word with the police about threatening behaviour would be an absolute priority.
Immediately.
He's made a death threat.
Take it seriously OP. Phone the police.

If you need reassurance OP. If my husband threatened to kill me and my child I would be out that door faster than a rocket. Drunk or not that should never come in to someone of sane mental states head. X

So all of this started just before xmas 2018. This time last year I was in a happy healthy relationship and set to be married on 19th may 19. I work full time in a challenging behaviour care home, the job is very demanding and I ended up spending more time at work than at home with my fiancee. It took such a toll on our relationship that we started fighting about everything and ended up splitting. I was so broken and stupid I ended up sleeping with a work colleague on a night out.

I wont deny I had feelings for him despite being engaged. I dont know why and wish I didnt. He was one of my best friends at work and we pretty much talked about anything. On Christmas day 2018 he asked me to be his gf even though I was still getting over my break up, but I said yes.

We said we would take it slow but it's now November 2019 and we have a new baby and living together.

I have been confused for the last year about how I feel. I am still in contact with my ex as we were together for four years and very good friends even now.

Being in love with two people isnt great especially when your a new mum to the most perfect DS.

My babys dad isnt that supportive and we have rapidly drifted apart. We dont talk like we used to, and he gets defensive when I try and talk to him calmly about his major change in behaviour. He doesnt want to give up the party life for a while and doesnt help with night feeds or changing but says he works over time for "our family". He lies alot and insults my intelligence when he does, but tries to twist things when the truth comes out.

I want to be in a happy environment even if that means being single for a while. But I dont know how to get out of my current relationship without him pulling some guilt trip on me.

I forgot to mention my ex helps me out financially when he really doesn't half to he is a really great guy and I miss him. There will always be a spark there no matter what, he is the love of my life.

The only thing that is making me happy on a daily basis is my baby. He is the best the most perfect treasure in my life.

I think my current bff is cheating or being really shady about something. I would check his phone but i do t want to invade his privacy. I'm posting this tonight because he was suppose to finish work at 3 and go to work tranning from 4 to 7. When it got to 8.30 and I had heard nothing I called him twice but didnt answer, then he called me back and said that his manager asked him to stay longer..... I dont believe him. I just hung up the phone.

Please help me with advice, much appreciated.