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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bipolar and no children

9 replies

Smumto2 · 19/11/2019 21:36

First off I just want to say I have 2 step children (teens) who I get to see a few times a week with their father and I feel very lucky to have the bonds we do.

However, sometimes I can't help but feel sad that I don't have any children biologically of my own. It's not that I can't have kids, I have made the choice not to have any because I have Bipolar and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I know many who have mental health disorders and cope well with having children, but I don't want to take the risk. But I do get upset from time to time thinking I will never carry a child of my own for 9 months, teach my child things, hear the word mum etc. Anybody else in the same position? and how do you deal with these feelings?

OP posts:
Heidi3333 · 19/11/2019 21:57

Hi there. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
I had a lovely wee girl via ivf and a sperm donor (ive been single for years) when I was 40 and she's 4 now.
I have a history of anxiety and OCD which got worse after she was born but I've managed. She's happy and healthy. I got through the bad times and was under a CPN for a year after she was born. My condition has worsened when I've came off my antidepressants a few times but as long as I'm in them I feel normal and my anxiety is controlled.my daughter is happy and healthy and loves her mummy!

You can still have a child with mental health problems. It would be v sad to miss out x

Interestedwoman · 19/11/2019 22:12

I'm bipolar and don't have children. It wasn't a deliberate choice, I had two missed m/cs, but I couldn't be more relieved that it turned out that way. I can barely keep the basics of my own shit together sometimes without having to look after children, too! And to have kids must bring such anxiety- I'd be frightened of dropping them etc, everything!

It's all very well for people to say they have MH problems and they have kids, but some people's problems are genuinely more severe than others, and some people have more support, or whatever. No-one can truly walk in another's shoes and know what their experience is like. Depression/anxiety is common and hard to deal with, but most people with that have no idea what it's like to have had bipolar or something with hospitalisations, oor to have severe anxiety or depression in a different league long term.

How I deal with it- relief! Focus on how hard you find life at times- that you can barely survive, you do insane things, your life's a mess, you don't keep the house reasonable, you can't keep on top of it, or eat properly- I know the drill! Now imagine that on top of keeping yourself alive, you have to keep the house ok and care for 2 other children. The likelihood is that even from the start of your pregnancy, if you have a diagnosis of bipolar I think your family are automatically logged officially as 'at risk,' perhaps depending what help you have around you. If you're in and out of hospital, social services might be involved even though you've done nothing wrong- imagine the stress of having to try and put on a show of being ok for them.

Now imagine what your everyday life with GAD is like and how hard it is. How frightened you are of so many things. Now imagine you have one or two very breakable children around- how many more things there are to be anxious about, and that you maybe have low self esteem and maybe would constantly worry that your kids might be taken off you if people knew how you felt etc.

These are just some of many scenarios and thoughts which might arise if you were a mum with bipolar and GAD of any severity. Of course some people manage by their family or care workers helping a lot. But that wouldn't make you feel good either unless you really worked hard at being ok with it. It'd all be so much work, when we sometimes can't even manage the basics! Lack of sleep from young children would add to your risk of bipolar episodes and exacerbate your GAD of course.

So- be relieved! You can go out whenever you like, you can (comparatively) try and chill out as much as you like, and do whatever you need for your health and focus on that when you need to.

I actually feel sorry for parents- I don't have much of a life, but if I was a parent I couldn't go out on the evening as much as I would like or whatever, whereas I can do what I want now in theory, though I don't have as many friends as I would like. You mightn't like to mingle- but think of all the things you enjoy doing, or at least like the idea that you could do whenever you want. Your freedom and peace. And money! All of these would be less with children.

Hope this helps- hugs xxxxx

Interestedwoman · 19/11/2019 22:14

'2 other children' -lol! Freudian slip :)

Drinkciderfromalemon · 19/11/2019 22:19

My brother made the choice to stay single and child free for similar reasons. While he is currently managing quite well with the meds he is on, this has been by no means a consistent picture and he is very aware that his condition (BPD) fluctuates significantly and the way he presents at times would be very distressing or damaging for a child or a partner (in his case). He gets down about it, but has taken the long term view that he is not well enough. He is a lovely uncle and tries to make his peace with that. Unfortunately for him, his persistent inner turmoil tortures him about it, but knows that inner voice itself is enough to not pursue a family at the moment. Maybe one day, he may be well enough to meet someone.
Probably not very helpful I'm afraid Flowers

Smumto2 · 19/11/2019 22:26

Heidi3333 I have not long turned 35 x

OP posts:
Smumto2 · 19/11/2019 22:35

Interestedwoman Thank you so much... what you wrote has helped loads and I needed to read something like that! Most of the time relieved is how I feel, because your right.. with things such as lack of sleep etc, that would probably bring on an episode and then I would defo feel guilty if it meant me being over dependant on my family. I also would worry on my bad days how I would get through them with a child to look after aswell. I applaud anyone who has a mental health issue and children too, but I just couldn't risk it just incase I got very unwell.. I'd feel so bad.

I guess I have to keep things logical and positive and make the most of having an input in my step-childrens lives.

Thank you all for the replies and hugs x

OP posts:
Smumto2 · 22/11/2019 14:47

Drinkciderfromalemon Thank you for your message, it sounds like your brother is a wise man and it is comforting to know I an not alone with such choices.. thank you for sharing x

OP posts:
LilyJade · 22/11/2019 16:04

@Smumto2 I have Schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type) also epilepsy & im 43 & sadly childless.

My psychiatrist & the peri-natal psychiatrist want me to be in a stable relationship if I have a baby; they want me to stay on meds (which could harm the baby), if I come off meds I'm at high risk of psychosis, depression, suicide & seizures which could also put a baby at risk.
I struggle at times to actually look after myself & wouldn't have the support network to help me care for a baby. I still get breakthrough symptoms of psychosis, hypomania & depression.

I keep hoping I'll quickly meet a decent man, fall in love & decide to get pregnant but as I've said above it's not so simple.
I became ill at 32 & was too unwell to meet a decent partner for years.

I'm sad about it obviously. I have a pet cat which is not the same but it's something to care for.
I have a part time job I enjoy.
I've started traveling abroad a bit more.
I have interests & I go to the gym.
When I've lost weight I'll look into online dating.
I may even end up with stepchildren too!!
But nothing takes away the ache of being childless.
I always wanted my own little girl (yes I'm aware you can't choose), I'd planned names for my potential children too.

LilyJade · 22/11/2019 16:08

My health problems also affect the way I look at potential relationships... at present i know a 29 yr old doctor at work really likes me.
He knows how old I am.
But I think it's not fair on him to have a relationship with me, ok it was just casual but I don't get the impression he wants casual.
And when do I tell someone about my health problems?
Friends & colleagues know I have depression & epilepsy but even my best mates don't know about the psychosis & the schizoaffective disorder!

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