Ivf for fourth child

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

Before I start I first want to say I do not mean this post to be insensitive or goady in anyway. I am trying to make sense of my cousin’s situation.

She has three children. She told me she is going through ivf for her fourth child.

I know it is her choice. But I cannot understand this and mostly I feel something is ‘off’. I mean ivf as I understand it is a pretty traumatic process to go through mentally, physically, emotionally - so why is someone doing this to themselves when they already have 3?

Her relationship with her DH is weird. I think he’s fairly horrible to her and unsupportive. Has caused her some serious stress related health issues. She knows he treats her badly but seems to accept it as normal within a relationship, sees the good in him etc.

I guess I am posting because this doesn’t make sense to me on some level. I am worried there is some coercion, although I have no evidence of this, just thinking logically about the ivf and their relationship. I look after her children sometimes and they all seem fine so there can’t be a high level of abuse. But I am worried and I’m not sure why.

It is a bit odd. They will have to pay for it if they already have children. Are they well off? I've had 3 rounds of IVF, one successfully, and it isn't something to be undertaken lightly.

I would say ivf for the 4th time is incredibly selfish for many reasons- my main one would be over population concerns. Why isn't 3 children enough?

Sounds like a band aid baby to me

They aren’t massively well off as far as I know. But average middle class couple. I can imagine it would be feasible via loans etc. but who knows maybe there is a secret fund.

Band aid baby may be the exact thing. Perhaps he’s nicer to her when she’s pregnant or there is a newborn around.

Ivf is not to be taken lightly. Its emotionally, physically and financially draining. It has a low success rate 20pc ish and once you’re on the rollercoaster its hard to get off.... I would seriously suggest them getting advice from people who know before embarking on it. Its gruelling, and devastating when after all the effort of the treatment you are left with nothing. Luckily for us ivf worked 4th time and i thank my lucky stars every day for my boy, but it was 10 years of disappointment - all worth it of course. With 3 children she should be grateful for what she has ...

Very odd behaviour. With the climate emergency surprised anyone going for a fourth can’t see any justification

Wow. That's commitment.
I've got three naturally conceived and I couldn't fathom a naturally occurring pregnancy let alone an IVF one!

Just from reading the absolute horror stories on here. It comes across as mentally and physically destructive.
How old are her other 3? Having to juggle 3 and go through that and then pregnancy and recover. Mind blown.

I know each to their own but I personally couldn't imagine that.

Well I’m slightly reassured it’s not just me who thinks it’s odd.

Other 3 all about 3-4 years apart, youngest age 3.

They’ve already started ivf - already committed and she was telling me they are partway through a round.

Should I be talking to her more about it? I am worried she is blinded to the reality of the whole situation, or as I mentioned earlier that there may be pressure from the husband.

Putting the relationship with her husband to one side, do you think she may just be experiencing an intense drive to have another child?

I say this because I have 3 DC, I could go for number 4 (no chance lol) but it’s not a burning desire or anything, more a case of I wouldn’t be upset if it happened kind of thing. However if it was a burning desire I could imagine myself possibly considering fertility treatment in that kind of scenario.

Selfish as it may be, to the other children or the planet or whatever but biological and hormonal urges can be pretty hard to ignore and is felt more strongly for some than it is for others. That being said, I obviously don’t know their reasoning for wanting another child.

The one thing I will say is that fertility treatment is not something you embark upon lightly. Clearly they haven’t flippantly just decided to have another baby, and are obviously committed to the notion of expanding their family if they are willing to pay for and undergo the intense and difficult rollercoaster that is IVF.

Seems rather excessive to me. Surely 3 is enough? But personally l have always imagined 1 or 2 would be more than enough to me. They seem fairly serious if they are going through everything IVF entails

Would you think the same thing if she was TTC for a fourth child naturally without needing fertility treatments? Because ivf is a temporary thing, as is pregnancy and birth. And I say that as someone who had ivf. How much of your concern is for the family situation and how much is it because ivf seems more of a choice to some people than TTC naturally. It's all about having a child, not the way how it was conceived.

It's a personal preference thing. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. It's very invasive so not something they would have taken lightly. Seems odd to me too but their choice