Nobody ever falls for me

[Monsoonx]

I've read more than one thread on here where people said it was love at first sight for them with their partner, they 'knew they would marry them' they were inseperable from date 1,moved in together after 2 months etc.

Several months back on my old account I got absolutely slaughtered on here because a guy i'd been dating/talking to for 2 months got with someone else without ending things with me.

I was called immature, 'far too invested' 'living in a fantasy world' 'I need professional help' etc. And the consensus was basically that because it wasnt an official relationship I shouldn't even be upset.

I'm doing a lot better now but, this guy really did seem to like me and then BAM. They haven't even been together 3 months and they live together.

I know this is a self-pitying post but I'm feeling down at the moment. I've had bad luck after bad luck. I've had a break from dating as suggested, I have a very busy and full life so that isn't a problem.

I have even felt suicidal over this which I know isn't good. The last time (to my knowledge that a guy truly loved or had feelings was 10 years ago)

I'm really not a bad person at all, I am not perfect but I really don't deserve all this bad karma.

I know it's something we cannot control but i'm sick of being dumped after 1-2 months. I have done therapy which did help to boost my confidence but I still dont know why nobody wants to be with me.

I don't have any massive red flags (nor do others) I think i'm pretty and I am often complimented on my looks. (may sound arrogant, but what should I say, i'm ugly ?)

I have a good education, respectable job as a teacher and I am also an athlete, I do art, play instruments, can speak 5 languages.

Ive had the same friends for a long time i'm kind, honest, loyal and get told I'm funny and witty.
I consider myself smart, but I can be shy and introverted. I'm only 28 but never thought it would be this hard.

Not really sure what I am looking for, dont know what other sort of advice there is to give. Just wanted to vent.

I also don't think I am 'full on' or 'clingy', I don't send 10 million texts a day, think we are in a relationship after 1 day etc. I try to respect boundaries.

I would ask your friends if they can pinpoint whats going wrong...as hard to know from a post. But I find most guys like some sort of a challenge and someone who is positive and happy. Get yourself out there, be more social, say yes to all invites. Be open. Give everyone a chance. Its not always love at first site and usually that never works out. Take your time to get to know someone.

Thanks, I have asked my friends and the therapist, maybe they see I am a little shy (even though I have good conversation) and they want someone a bit more 'out there' and loud, who knows ?

If i'm honest it takes me a few dates before I am confortable with the idea of being intimate with someone, and they are all keen beforehand before anything has happened. I do tend to get more attached afterwards but I cannot help that.
Again on here I see a lot of "We were in bed 3 hours after we met and got married 2 months later !!" that would never work for me.

I will try to give a more positive aura as suggested and seem happy. I think what the guy did still hurts me because he led me to believe he really liked me. I thought, finally, after all this time, and then he fell in love with someone else whilst still involved with me.

There’s nothing wrong with you OP. Many, many people go through the same. Dating can be tough.

I was single from 24 to 31. And I never understood why it seemed so easy for everyone else. Some people seemed to split up and find a new partner before I could blink.

And I too would make sure I wasn’t too clingy, too invested or acting desperate even if I felt it with someone. And it felt crap that it didn’t “just happen” for me. I didn’t easily fall into loving healthy relationships where I was treated right.

That’s probably because it wasn’t right. And when I finally met the right person, it did all fall into place. I didn’t have to worry about him playing the field whilst seeing me or worry that I was too invested. It just flowed.

Just keep being you, have good standards and eventually you will meet someone who is as right for you as you are for them.

Well I don't know who these love at first sight people are but that's not my experience.

Almost everyone I've ever been out with I have known for months before getting involved. I knew my now DH for 2 years before the relationship developed. It was a slow burn as we got to know each other.

Only once, I went on an actual date with someone I didn't know. It was torturously awkward. What do you talk about with a complete stranger? I can't believe I'm the only person who finds dating a hideous way to meet people.

I said yes to lots of invitations to parties and pubs, and to helping out with things, so I met my friends friends and the friends of work colleagues. Men I got involved with were known to me personally, and also known by people I knew. It all felt much less awkward that poking food around the plate on a date with a stranger.

It's really shit that the guy you'd be dating for 2 months treated you like this. I'd have been upset in that situation as well.
Keep being social, you sound lovely and very loveable. Maybe you've already met your future partner? Or you will do but it'll take a while for you both to realise.

Thanks a lot for the replies, they have helped me to feel better ! Stupidly I texted him once, because I heard some people had died in an accident in an area he lived in so I texted to ask if everything was OK.
He replied, probably because he didn't want to look like any more of a dick, but with the bare minimum of politeness, not asking a single thing about myself or how I am doing, and then ignored the last message.

It was hurtful but just shows that once they get someone else, they stop giving a toss about you.

I will try and take on board all of the advice given and keep working on my confidence. As long as I love myself that's all that matters.

You sound lovely and interesting. I’d date you

Long shot but possible Aspie Girl?

Overadherance to relationship rules/myths/narratives. Your writing has a kind of fairytale quality as opposed to a real life feel. Your lists of your qualitues reads like a Jane Austen novel, it reality it isnt about the right package or being accomplished, is blind luck hitting a match for you.

Do any of your friends or family know anyone that would be ideal for you ?
Maybe they can set up some dates.

Absolutely nothing wrong with you OP. As you say, you're very well educated and intelligent as well as an attractive woman in good shape.

You remind me of someone I know, she has been so sad as a result of being single and dates after dates never leading to anything. It took her a while, but she accepted that sometimes things don't work and I have seen a vast improvement in her well-being and mental health. Like you, she was suicidal, we couldn't even announce pregnancies / marriages in front of her for fear of upsetting her and eventually she would say "so and so said you're engaged / expecting" and she would literally block you out of her life for months until she accepted the lifechange for her friends. It was really that bad for her, she didn't understand it.

She had a series of counselling sessions and realised that sometimes things are beyond her control. I think that is the key thing here -like you, attractive, successful and incredibly smart. She had control over most elements of her life but dating takes 2 people to be invested and you can't control how others feel.

The idea of holidaying alone was "what sad people do" but her therapist managed to encourage her to explore life alone and enjoy each day. Now she is on a plane every few months exploring a new city/country. She has a life plan of retiring before 50 and wants to get a dog. She has refocused her energy into the other things that bring her joy.

I honestly see the sadness in your words. Don't blame yourself, you're not doing anything wrong but perhaps try to look at ways to carry on with life without putting pressure on yourself to get into relationship .

Good luck ,xx

I was almost exactly the same as @PerfectionistProcrastinator ! I spent years agonising over what I was doing wrong, I started exercising obsessively convinced that no one would fall for me until I was a size 10, instead of a size 12 etc etc. I was meticulous with my appearance: how I dressed, what make up I wore, perfect nails every day. This went on for years and I was miserable. I hated friends' weddings, every time someone announced a pregnancy I felt my stomach drop. It was awful but I just felt I was being left behind.

Then one day something sort of clicked - it wasn't me! I just hadn't met the right person yet and I let it go. Incredibly clichéd but about a month later I met my now DH. Like you say, we had moved in together after 3 months, had our first DC 12 months later and are now married with another DC too. I did nothing differently, but this time we were just a good fit!

Good luck - don't despair! You're still young, as a pp said - just try and re focus your energy and attention into something else and hopefully your one will come along too! Hugs for you though @Monsoonx - it's incredibly hard

Op.. your post really resonated with me.. I wonder the same about myself.. separated 11 years ago, had 4 what I'd call relationships but never longer than a year.. all 4 guys have walked away very easily without there being a deal breaking reason other than obviously their feelings were not as strong as mine.. no contact since which is probably the most hurtful part. I guess the initial attraction might be there but I'm not the type of person that anyone other than my exh develops feelings for or even likes! I too am not needy or clingy I'm independent & although I may not be a good catch materially, I'm not a leach I always pay my way. I see divorced friends similar age to me (45) go on to have their 2nd chance with a new man & blended families.. it hurts very much that it hasn't happened to me & given up it ever will

Oh OP, please do not think it is you who has the problem...even though i know it’s hard!
I have had a disastrous past record with men, two have slept with my ‘friends’ behind my back and others have ghosted me and made me feel worthless. I bumped into one of my exes and decided to have to out with him, I always felt he cheated because I was too fat, wasn’t pretty enough or didn’t pay him enough attention, turns out he was just an arse and taught me a massive lesson in life. It was great closure and I am a little easier on myself now.
I met an amazing man at 30, completely out of the blue and have never felt not good enough or had reason to doubt him. I do have the emotional scars still but I am working on not being so mentally self harming.
You are still so young so please do not give up hope :)

I have been with my DH since my teens so I cant really talk from experience, but I have plenty of single friends who are unhappy about not finding a man.
The thing is, its not so much that you need to find a perosn, but more about finding the right one. Be proud that you haven't settled.
I would say although you do sound a great catch, you still need to get out and about and into social groupings where men you are attracted to will be. After that its just a waiting game till someone snaps you up

Hi Minsoon I wanted to reply to you bc in the past I've been exactly where you are right now. I had a 4 year relationship in my 20's and I'm now 44 and have been pretty much single since apart from a few 'relationships' lasting a couple of months.

I too wondered what was wrong with me. Every time something didn't work out I felt crushed. I went to work in Australia aged 34 and hoped I'd meet someone over there. I was there for a year and met 2 guys - neither of them worked out and I was devastated. What made things worse was I was desperate for a baby! All around me people were getting engaged/married and having kids and I just kept getting dumped. I had periods of despair and very dark moments. Like you, suicide even crossed my mind.

However, I became philosophical and decided that relationships just weren't meant to be for me at that time and I took matters into my own hands and had a baby via IvF using a sperm donor. I don't regret it and actually prefer being a single mum as I don't have any complications of a relationship.

Looking back I'm glad that none of those relationships worked out as none of the men were truesly compatible with me. I believe that about 90% of meeting a partner is down to good luck. Just try and remember that there are other ways to achieve your dreams of being a mother and take advantage of your singledom - I travelled extensively in my 30s, something I couldn't have done if I had a partner. Of course it'd be lovely to have a partner but you CAN be happy without one and it is far better to be single than with the wrong man! Sometimes I feel lonely but I'm generally much happier now than when I was with various Mr Wrongs!

Also remember you are v young and while I appreciate it's hard not to compare yourself to others, you have sooo much time ahead of you to meet Me Right.

Good luck xx

Thanks so much for the kind, touching replies :) 💐

@Monsoonxb be kind to yourself xx

Hi everyone, I just wanted to vent about being single for 15 years, I’m a single parent to 2 children, my last rship was 2010 and I’ve had a few flings here and there, but nothing serious, I’m 48 now and feel like no one is interested n me, I’ve been told I’m attractive, I’ve a warm personality and yeah I can be a bit reserved as been on my own for so long, it’s was through choice I stayed single as last rship was very toxic and abusive and had to leave him, he passed away years ago he was a horrid person but still my daughter never knew her dad, I’ve tried to date past 5 years on/off and I’ve met some not so nice men, thought I met a guy that was the one to be an absolute psychopath, he had ED issues and blamed me and told people about it as if I was the issue, was called ugly and wanted to see me again, I really don’t know how I’m attracting these horrible men, I’ve not had sex in 5 years and last time I did it was dreadful, I’m absolutely scared of being vulnerable at the same time I’d love a fulfilling healthy rship, so I’ve been single 15 years and not had sex in 5 years(I don’t like one night stands, been there don’t that, hate being used) I feel like there is something wrong with me or maybe men think I’m not attractive and think I’m easy, which I ain’t, is there anyone that has been single this long and not had intimacy for a long time and how did you overcome this, I feel I’m getting too old and over the hill, my eldest is 15 soon and I feel I need to start having a life now as have concentrated on my youngest on my own since she was born, any suggestions on what to do Thankyou

As an alternative point of view, I've had several men "fall for me" and I pray it never er happens again. It inevitably involves them putting me on a pedestal, lovebombing me with visions of our perfect future and then going cold when they realise I'm an actual woman and not a manic pixie dream girl fantasy. It hurts a lot and feels like no one actually likes/loves me for me, just for who they think I am 😕

I find your post quite odd. Why do you romanticize living together within three months? That's actually quite a poor decision and most of the time it ends badly (but you only hear about it when it works out). And feeling suicidial over a short relationship? You need to take your focus off relationships so much. What other things do you have that you are passionate about? Love is good and obviously a necessary ingredient, but we don't live in a Jane Austen novel.

ANd you seriously need to change your worldview. What happens to you is not about being a "bad person". There is no bad karma.