Just reported exH to the police

[AndHarry]

We’re divorced, have 2 DC together and in new relationships. When we were married he was financially, emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive.

Every couple of months he’ll come up with some new way I’ve stepped out of line and send me a paragraphed message attacking my character, parenting, career and anything else he can think of, demand ‘respect’ and tell me that I must change immediately. I avoid seeing him or talking to him on the phone because I just get more of the same. It’s classic abuse in that it’s often when I’ve done something special or ‘unwomanly’ that makes him feel emasculated. He wants full control of everything, from my work pattern to DD’s hairstyles (not DS, funnily enough).

These messages send me straight back to when I had to live with his abuse. That feeling of sheer terror and despair. On several occasions I’ve been unable to go out to work because I’ve been curled in a ball shaking. I’ve had years of counselling and don’t get that feeling from visiting places I associate with him any more, just these messages.

He kicked off again yesterday and today. I responded calmly and told him - again - to stop sending me abusive messages. He carried on so I’ve just filed an online crime report. I don’t know what will happen with it, if anything, but I’m so relieved I’ve finally done something about it. It was a huge step to divorce him. Even if nothing happens, I feel like I’ve taken another step to be free of his abuse.

Just sharing to get it down.

I sympathise. Well done! It’s publicly stating this is NOT OKAY.

I am finally down to only once or twice yearly abusive emails from my Ex however like you say they take me right back there. I’ve cried and just been able to function very well for a couple of days.

I’ve gone virtually no contact, however I also realized that this meant he was totally off the hook about everything parent wise. So I do now send a polite email if I feel DS needs something. So he can’t say he doesn’t know. Of course. Wham! It turns into abuse.

And unfortunately the abuse now is much more of a carefully thought out attack - it doesn’t resort to name calling, It is often questions and crazy making demands like - well give me the name of the tutor and I’ll phone him directly to see how my son is doing - and demand to know - then saying I’m awful for refusing - when there is no one tutor - and all the while I know this is not about whatever it is - it is angry and it is setting me up to punish me.

Exhausting isn’t it.

Hi @AndHarry, I hope you're feeling okay today, post-police phone call. I'm going to set up the forwarding email thing from my ex toy partner. I'll let you know how it goes, hope this might work for you, too (to at least take that element of stress away) x

*to my partner....not toy!

well done! And an even bigger well done for getting away in the first place!

Just coming back to say that the police station visit on Friday was well worth it, and with some advice for anyone in a similar situation:

• take screenshots or print-outs of any crappy messages
• keep a notebook somewhere and jot down dates, times and brief details of any poor behaviour
• the National Centre for Domestic Violence has a superb helpline and can help you get a non-molestation order very quickly

Glad to hear the police are helping you.

How about informing him that blah email address is solely for strictly necessary communication re children and that any messages received are automatically forwarded to a third party (who that is you can say or not say depending on how much you want to bluff or what is believable eg solicitor/counsellor/social worker etc).

He must be so happy and settled in his new relationship, to be still at this shit, eh.

You've got to feel for the poor woman.

Yes, a specific email address and phone number to use are going on the NMO. No text messages allowed. Phone calls only to the children on x and y day between a-b o’clock. Fingers crossed. I’ve been jittery, on edge and feeling sick all weekend.

His new wife is absolutely lovely. I hope he treats her and their new baby well.