So angry all of the time.

[shinypatina]

Firstly, I will say that I've got some counselling arranged. I obviously need to talk to someone and don't feel like I can divulge my thoughts and feelings in real life.

Basically, I recently found out that my dh has been watching adult TV (porn) whilst me and dcs have gone to bed. I only found out because he pressed the record button by accident! When I asked him about it, he didn't deny it. My sex drive is much lower than his at the moment, not helped by the fact that I'm going through the perimenopause. Anyway, I am disappointed by the porn viewing (though I believe it is mild and occasional according to dh) - please don't turn this into a porn debate, we all have our own opinions on this, that's not what I'm asking.
What I find more concerning is that he's hidden this habit for the past 5 months or so. This is the bit that is bugging me more than anything I think (but I'm also aware I have fairly low self-esteem, so not the best thing to discover). As far as I am aware, dh has never lied before - he is a good df, hardworking etc and helps in the house. But I have come to the conclusion that I have some deep seated trust issues and I'm struggling to get past the fact that he has lied to me. I have also lost a lot of respect for him (strength of character etc.) I have also thought him sad and pathetic for what he has been doing. He openly admits that he doesn't believe that he has been giving me much attention (we have a lot going on and have 3 dcs, including one young one and no external support). But I am so angry. I want to stay sane for my children but there is this intense anger directed toward him mainly because he has been so deceitful. I need to move past this to enable our family to stick together but fearing that trust etc. have gone forever and whilst I've obviously had my part to play, I'm feeling that dh has ruined something. This is relatively raw so I'm hoping counselling will help. I am distracted and just want to get back to some semblance of normality. DH has said that he will not view it again but now I find myself doubting everything he says.
Anyone been in a similar position and moved past it? Please be kind, I am also feeling extremely hormonal, only helpful insights required.

I don't think he really lied to you, he just omitted to tell you he'd been wanking when you went to bed. I don't really see what he's done wrong here tbh

Why shouldn't he view it again? There's nothing unhealthy about masturbation

Has he been deceitful, really? He's viewed porn and did not deny it when you confronted him. Did you expect him to announce his new habit? I am struggling to understand where he lied to you.

I am sorry you are struggling but it sounds like there must be more going on for this to have upset you quite so much.

Thanks for your point of view Shox.

I dont know OP, I'm not sure why you perceive him as lying and of lower character than you previously thought. Seems harsh?

He was having a wank, surely everyone wanks? I'd think it very odd if my dp announced to me that he was wanking, I mean of course he is, so do I.

Can you explain what disgusts or upsets you about his behavior? What would you change about his behavior if you could?

Maybe. Maybe self esteem issues, I'm currently trying to put things in perspective.

I'm struggling to understand the issue aswell. Lying? Porn? You admit you have Different sex drive - made worse by being peri Menopausal. So if he wants to watch occasional porn surely that's ok? It's not effecting the amount of sex guard getting?

so what exactly is the real problem here? is it really the porn? the 'lying'? I don't think it is - maybe is that she hasn't been treating you well enough? paying you enough attention? isn't that the real issue?

Not being harsh op, but why do you think he should have told you? My husband doesn't tell me everytime he has a wank and I don't tell him.

I'm currently not sure why it has affected me so much, that's why I'm interested to hear different peoples points of view I suppose.

Perhaps you put your husband on a pedistall of virtue and this behaviour doesn't conform to your image of him?

He's not really done a lot wrong, the issue is really your own (Unless there is more in the background that is niggling at you).

Well done on seeking counselling, thats the right way to go.

I do think my self esteem is poor at the moment, hitting the perimenopause hasn't helped - something about the visual aspect and him watching what was I think was essentially a moving/writhing page 3 equivalent. Perhaps if I did feel better about myself I would have shrugged it off. Don't know. The viewing of porn seems pretty run of the mill to a lot of mumsnetters, I'm quite surprised by it tbh - that many partners are able to just shrug it off - must have a great sense of security or something. Or is it just that some people have different standards/expectations? I understand that it is not the same as having a porn addiction, I can see the distinction.

I think from my personal perspective porn is not real life, its all mountains of make up, strange angles, lots of surgical enhancements, people doing things for money and pretending to enjoy it. Its distanced from reality.

Its not real, therefore i personally dont think about comparing myself to those images. Even if you had high self esteem, you arent an 19 year old girl whos willing to roll around infront of a camera to make money and pretend to have fun... so why compare yourself and pretend you are in competition with that on screen fake person, how would that end well?. Your self worth and esteem should come from other places in your life. Like what a good person you are, a great parent, a great wife, your intelligence, integrity etc.

Sorry im not trying to sound mean, more trying to get you to seperate your self esteem issues from the porn, as the 2 arent that connected, once you dig deeper.

Ok. Firstly you’ve said your Peri-M so rage is part of that. Are you really angry at him for watching porn or is this just you and what you’re going through right now? Ask yourself honestly, is that big a deal? It’s just masturbation. He’s not out shagging prostitutes. Your anger seems a bit extreme? Just my opinion of course. I have friends who are Peri and suffer extreme and irrational rage so maybe it’s a good idea to try and unpick it a bit. You’ve said maybe it wouldn’t bother you if you were feeling better about yourself. That says to me that your views on this aren’t fixed and are fluid depending on your hormones? Test out that theory before chucking a good man under the bus? What would it take for you to feel better about yourself? Write 5 bullet points? Be honest. Holiday in the sun? Pampering at the spa? Dinner and dancing with your husband who picks you up in a limo? Write it down then give him the list. Worth giving him the opportunity to try and fix it?

Better porn than an affair surely? Men are visual creatures and everyone needs a release once in a while. I honestly think it's totally normal.

Plus personal responsibility. Do 3 self care things per week that make you feel better about yourself. What do you do on a weekly basis that is just about you and your mood/feelings/appearance?

Have you gotten any help about your sex drive? If you’re burying your head in the sand about it then to be frank you are really lucky he has found an appropriate outlet instead of giving you an ultimatum to seek therapy over your issues.

Suggest you get counselling.

I also don’t think he’s really done anything wrong unless it’s particularly horrible or violent pornography. It’s much better that he masturbates and satisfies his own higher sex drive in a way that means he isn’t pressuring you or cheating. I also wouldn’t expect him to tell you about it though and he didn’t lie when asked. I think you need to work on your own insecurity.

Your husband didn't lie to you. He just didn't tell you and why should he? Him masturbating is his own private affair.

In regards to your peri, I highly suggest HRT if your symptoms are negatively impacting your daily life.

I dont really see the issue OP. If you're saying your sex drive wasnt what it was and his is much higher, surely masturbation is preferable to him pressuring you for sex which you presumably wouldn't feel comfortable with? Masturbation is perfectly normal, and if he had lied to you then he wouldn't have been so open when you asked him about it. If he's a sexual person it sounds like he's between a rock and a hard place (excuse the pun).

Well done for seeking counselling OP and sorry to hear you've got low self esteem, I can imagine that porn being in the mix when you're not feeling confident about yourself isn't going to be the most pleasing thing to discover. I saw a PP suggesting doing things that will make you feel good about yourself that I totally agree with. Get your hair done, go for a manicure, go for a nice walk, whatever! Just do something that's going to give you some personal satisfaction.

Thanks Fit...the peri...yes, that is why I'm trying to unpick it. But I ask myself would I want somebody ogling over my own daughter like that = answer no, therefore I don't think it is fundamentally right, so that is why I am uncertain that it is just my hormones. But I get what you are saying about working on my own self esteem and it is a relief in a way to hear that others are raging with the peri!

Yep, I've got a hair appointment booked, can't remember the last time I visited the hairdressers sadly (I care for young dc at home).

Hi Shiny, it'll almost certainly be the peri-rage putting an extreme perspective on things; not to belittle your views in any way, just my own experience is that the rage can be HUGE and over nothing at all...or over things that in a non-rage moment you would barely register. I could cheerfully have bludgeoned DH on several occasions but later when the hormones calmed down I was horrified/amused and thinking wtf was all that about?!?

Thanks Peach and good to hear the hormones do calm down x