Don’t know what to say to my dd

[TANYA90]

So my dd is nearly 13 I had her when I was 15 to an older man. he is still in her life and sees her regularly I’m not sure how to answer her questions about mine and her dads relationship my current partner thinks I should just tell her he’s a pedo so that she knows it’s wrong and will be more aware than I was (He isn’t funny with her dad and would never bad mouth him in front of her) but thinks I should take those steps to protect her. I don’t want to upset her although I don’t want to give her the message that it’s normal for a 15 year old to have a child or for her to be with someone much older. I don’t want to put her at risk of been abused but I never really thought about my relationship with her father as abuse. Has anyone else been in a similar situation that could possibly tell me what they did?

Hi, I wouldn’t be telling my child that her dad is a paedo! What on earth would that achieve? Especially as she’s still in contact with him.

Whatever your thoughts and feelings are on the subject, her dad is part of her identity and as such you should be giving a positive view of him to her, IMO.

By all means talk to her about appropriate relationships and age gaps (if you feel the need, to keep her safe), but please don’t bash her dad to her!

What kind of questions is she asking? If it’s just a general where did you meet etc then stuck to the facts.

Definitely don’t tell her he was anything negative. She needs to know she is loved and not regretted but maybe concentrate on things like how hard it was for you to achieve good exam results and if you were held back from going to university etc and say that you would want her to be older before having a relationship and children because it was hard for you.

No I wouldnt because that would really break her heart. It's not nice for anyone to know bad things about their parents. Just explain that you loved her dad and had a baby, you were young when you had her. You loved having her. Also explain that having a baby that young was hard because you were in school and had no job and money etc. So better to wait until you've finished your education and saved up some money. Only when you meet someone you love,who treats you well.

What was the age gap? You said you had her at 15- were you intimate before that age? I'm assuming if he's involved there were no criminal proceedings? By all means discuss age appropriate relationships and the legalities of u der age sex, but to now call her dad a peadophile- even if legally he sounds like one, when no criminal case had been pursued and you trust him enough that he has regular contact with him, seems innapropriate.

Your partner is an idiot. You can be frank and honest without alienating her from her father. Kids aren’t stupid and your partner may not use the language he used, around her but it will be abundantly clear what he thinks.

Tell your DD that you were waaaay to young to have a child and that the age gap between you and her father was far too great because of the inherent power imbalance between an adult and a child. The power imbalance is why sexual relationships between adults and children are prohibited in law.

Talk to her about healthy relationships in general and understanding her boundaries and that you will always be a safe place for her to talk about anything.

OP the fact that you may not have understood the power imbalance in your relationship with your DD’s father, makes you the perfect person to understand how easy it can be to find yourself in a situation that wasn’t in your best interests.

well, the definition of peadophile is around prepubescent children, so no, he isn't that. However, he isn't actually Mr Wonderful, is he?

From the sounds of it, it wasn't underage sex, as you stated he was an older man, so therefore you couldn't consent. So he raped you. To be honest, my child wouldn't be seeing him.

I don't know what she needs to know, to be honest. I hope she isn't at risk from him.

Her friends shouldn't be around him either, unless he was almost your age when the sex took place. Which it sounds he wasn't.

Don't tell her he's a paedo though. That's a highway to causing her massive problems.

You could talk about the law and why it's in place, in a more general sense. Don't talk about yourself or make it personal. And only if she brings it up.

What @AgentJohnson said.

She needs to know the truth in an age appropriate way. And she needs to know it now.

Her genes are half her dad's. Her identity is tied to his. So no, you don't tell her that her dad is a paedophile. That would be wicked and would have her wondering about who she might turn out to be.
It's incredibly cruel of your partner to suggest that.

Isn't the age of consent in England (?) 16?.
So legally every time he had sex with you it was statutory rape.

And it sounds like he wasn't even a "forgiveable" are relative to yours (like 16/17).

His behaviour was wrong and I don't think that should be ignored/glossed over like "I lived him". There is bound to be a half way tactful way of saying that the relationship wasn't right. He shouldn't have been going with and having sex with someone that age. You didn't know at the time but you know now and would never want her to get into a similar situation.

You don't have to use the word paedo, but you can say it wasn't right.

*age relative to yours

*"I loved him"

I agree with Sara.

Thats crazy advice from your partner! Thats more damaging than anything!!

You thought yourself ready for a relationship but now realise you were way too young... quite a difficult one for you needs to be broached so carefully

Hi

This sounds like a very difficult situation. We are at a time now when we recognise the inappropriateness and exploitation of "relationships" that were considered normal and particularly the fault of the younger girl.

It's clearly stirring some things up emotionally for you and your partner and you want to both educate but not traumatise your daughter unduly.

You are also sadly not the only woman to be in this position - it may be something that you want to explore through counselling -to work out how you feel about about what happened now you are an adult and what you want to say to your daughter. you may find that you become very angry or upset when reflecting on the relationship now through adult eyes.

It is not your job to hide abuse or inappropriate behaviour from your daughter to not make a fuss but maybe something to explore before you broach the conversation.

you may want to contact childline or barnardos to talk it through with a professional. You will be able to find a way of talking about it that supports and protects both you and your daughter.

How old was he? I think my answer would depend on that

To me, it would depend whether, with hindsight, you feel this man was (is?) a sexual predator with an unhealthy interest in underage girls, and how that manifested itself.
My opinion would be very different if he was, say, 20, and just ended up with a younger girlfriend, or if he was, say, 35, which would point towards really inappropriate behaviour. If you were groomed, or pressured, that too.

If it were the latter, then to be honest I don't think I'd have encouraged a relationship with her father at all, but that is of course easy for me to say as an adult woman, who doesn't know this man.

The long and the short of it is that, whatever the individual case, in general I would have concerns about a much older man who had the judgement and inclination to have sex with a 14/15 year old, and I would be concerned he could repeat that inappropriate behaviour with another underage girl.

My behaviour surrounding the relationship and information your daughter has here would have to be informed by that.

How much older?

Omg please do NOT tell your poor daughter that her father is a paedophile. That would be absolutely horrific for her to hear. I don’t know what I’d say but it would be ANYTHING other than that.

Honestly if it were me I’d probably say I was 16 when she was born just to make it legal at least. And yes I agree with the others that the best thing to say depends on a number of things including how old he was. And did he know your age or did he believe you to be older? All of this would make a difference.

Please don't lie to your DD about her own past, thats not fair.

Children under 13 in Scotland and under 12 cannot consent to any sexual activity. I’m guessing that the OP was 14, so it wasn’t rape.

However, Regardless of his age, it was an offence for them to have sex. Prosecutions are unlikely if they are both of the same age. But the OP says he was older , so he could well have been charged and convicted.

If he was in a position of power over her ( eg teacher or social worker ) he would also have lost his job and faced a bigger sentence . In this situation, the age of consent is 18 not 16.

So what he did was illegal and , in most people’s opinions, very immoral. The OP needs to explain this factually to her DD, ASD a PP suggested.

You tell her that it wasn't an appropriate relationship, although you didn't realise that at the time.

You help her realise what is an appropriate relationship.

I think it would be easy enough to explain to a teenager that her father behaved inappropriately without using the term peadophile.