How do you know when enough is enough?

[KellyHall]

I've been with dh for 5 years, we have a 2 year old dd, a mortgage, debts and a cat!

95% of the time we're happy and enjoy our lives together but my dh occasionally has horrible outbursts that really upset me and I'm concerned dd will either start to do it or think it's an acceptable way for her to be treated. It had always been aimed at me, over something stupid (usually that he has never voluntarily given me a lie-in, since dd was born) but he flew off the handle at dd when she had a typical toddler tantrum and wanting a different coloured cup recently and it really broke my heart.

Each time it happens I pull him up on it and explain why his behaviour is unacceptable. It has got less frequent, now maybe once a month.

His mother has always been more interested in sitting in a bar, drinking than being a parent, his father worked away until he was a teenager when he left for another woman who he called his "new family" and dh's older sisters were awful to him.

But at what stage does all that stop being a viable excuse? I'm at my absolute limit with this behaviour and I've told him that but what if it's too ingrained?

Help!

You get to decide what your own limits are.

If you’ve had enough then you have the right to leave. You also have a duty of care to your toddler DD.

He’s had three years since you knew you were expecting a baby. Three years to go for counselling / therapy / joint a support group to help him with his issues.

What has he done to help himself during these three years ?

Telling him once should be enough OP. Don't ever excuse the inexcusable (you're looking for reasons from his past). If you saw a grown man shouting at a toddler in the street, what would you think? Do you want your daughter to grow up and have relationships with men who have 'horrible outbursts?' Because that is what she is learning at home.

You know what to do.

If you are asking that question, you have probably already crossed the line...

If a crap, or even abusive, childhood were an excuse, then why are there so many people who had crap and abusive childhoods who are NOT abusive at all? Because this is what he is - abusive.

There's no point explaining appropriate adult behaviour to another adult. they already know how to behave, but they prefer to use unacceptable behaviour, because it gets them what they want.

you have described a typical abusive relationship - except the longer you stay, the more the balance swings - so in another 5 years it will be, say, 80 per cent of the time you will be happy. And only because you are watching for his moods and judging his demeanour, and trying not to anger him.

If you won't end it for you, do it for your daughter. Don't let him do this to her.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of your comments.

I've given him clear details of what he needs to do (be more loving and respectful, decide whether what he's getting stressed about really matters, contribute to making the family happy, generally respond to life in a reasonable manner) and this is his last chance. I have an exit plan which can be put in to place within a day if needed.

So, I'm asking dh to move out today. I simply cannot live waiting for the next time he loses his temper about stupid shit that doesn't matter.

I'd like to think that being removed from the family life he seems to find so stressful will make us all happier. Possibly we could even start to repair our relationship by spending less but quality time together.

Has anyone ever lived apart from their spouse and it improved the relationship?

How did it go OP ? Is he willing to move out? What are your plans for your two years old - is she staying half the week with her dad ?

Thank you for your kind messages.

He said he's under a lot of pressure at work and was really shocked, upset and disappointed to hear he's upset us so much.

He said he'd try and be better. I told him he must absolutely do better (trying is not good enough) because I refuse to live that way. He's going to call a support line for depression and see about anti-depressants/counselling.

I've made us a timetable to split the chores equally, including lie-ins for us both, time with our friends for each of us and time where tv/phones are not allowed for family time together.

I hope it'll work. Hopefully we just got lost as a new family and forgot to function together to be happy. We've agreed to work together as a team to save our marriage and family.

And I'm reassured knowing I have a back up plan if it doesn't work.