Feeling increasingly disrespected by DP. Am I right to be annoyed?

[CoffeeandaBagel]

Hi,

Bit of background, my DW works full time in a managerial role and I am a SAHM. About to start the TTC process again, but due to these issues, I'm starting to feel like I need to get back to work and concentrate on that, but as far as fertility is concerned, time isn't exactly on my side.

The problem is, I'm starting to feel undermined, disrespected and at times, almost controlled by DW. There are important financial things going on right now, which we need to discuss, but she just won't talk to me or she will, but for a very limited amount of time, until she's decided she's decided that's enough and passive aggressively ends the conversation.

We need to make this big decision asap, so I pushed it more last night and she literally said "shhh that's enough now. Turn out the light". I did and then I went downstairs for a bit, because I could feel the rage bubbling and I didn't want an argument, as my DD is in the next room and the walls are pretty thin.

This morning she could see I was upset and she will know exactly why, but rather than talking to me or at least asking if I'm ok, she has been pretending like everything was fine and left.

I feel like I'm being treated like a child. It feels like she will talk about it when she is ready and not a moment before. Like she feels she is in charge almost.

It's very difficult to explain, but her manner can make me feel very frustrated. I know she loves me. I know she wants the best for all of us, but I am not an idiot and I need to be part of these decisions. I don't need to be managed.

She's done very well in life and that's great and I'm obviously very proud of her, but I feel like this attitude towards me is an unwanted side effect of her success, as the more successful she becomes, the more disrespected I feel.

I have tried talking to her about this several times, but once again I usually end up getting shhhd. I'm not sure how much more shhhhing I can take tbh.

Not sure why I'm posting really. Maybe I just needed a bit of a rant, but I would be grateful to hear your thoughts.

Thanks.

Just giving this a hopeful bump.

Seems like she doesn't think of you as an equal partner. Have you tried insisting that you want to talk about it at the time? You may need to be more assertive here

All you can do is shock her with a deadly serious calm conversation about how deeply this is affecting you and the relationship. At the moment she is treating you as the lesser partner. If she genuinely believes this is recommend leaving.

If my husband shhhhed me I don’t think I could be held responsible for my actions.

I’d be bloody fuming if I were you op. How patronising.

@Shoxfordian, that is how I feel a lot of the time.

I have insisted and I'm certainly no push over, but I still don't seem to get anywhere.

Patronising is definitely the word.

I don't think she is intending to treat me as the "lesser partner", but it doesn't change the fact that at times, she really is.

I think she's in work mode all the time. That said, I can't imagine her getting away with telling her subordinates to "shhhh"

You need to tell her exactly how you feel, not just discuss this financial situation, but the bigger picture too. I’d honestly tell her you need to speak to her, and if she brushes you off, point out to her that if she keeps dismissing you, you will end up closing yourself off from her and that will lead to the end of your relationship.

@AngelsSins, I have actually done the withdrawing thing and it does seem to work in terms of she notices and will change her behaviour, but then I will obviously respond to that, open back up again, then she goes back to before and round we go again.

I don't want to end our relationship. I really do love her, but all this is starting to make me feel vulnerable in a way.

Is she your wife or your partner? If you're not married then you are in a more vulnerable position

Don't carry on ttc whilst she won't talk to you about finances

Would you consider showing her this thread?

I think you need to tell her exactly how her behaviour is making you feel and if that means a row, so be it.

Is she exhausted after work? Maybe late night convos aren’t the best time for her?

Other than that it sounds likes she’s being inappropriate - an equal adult relationship does not involve controlling behaviour and shushing. Don’t allow it OP.

@Shoxfordian, we are married, yes.

@PositiveVibez, I would actually. I have said it to her before, several times, but maybe seeing it written down with responses, might help.

@AtrociousCircumstance, she can be very tired and normally I would avoid any serious type conversations at that time, but it was/is important. If she had just said, 'look..I get we need to talk about this, but can we talk tomorrow? I'm just really tired', I wouldn't have minded. It was the way she dismissed me that got me.

It sounds like a mother/daughter dynamic. She being the one clearly in control.

I agree have a serious chat about the depth of your hurt. I think she needs to realise what she could lose to make her value you

If things continue as they are, I can see you growing increasingly unhappy and eventually leaving. Be strong, you deserve to be treated as an equal.

Maybe show her this thread, yes.

It needs to stop or you will end up splitting, is the bottom line.

Lack of respect isn't negotiable. It sounds like she needs a wakeup call.

You won't go the distance without treating each other with respect.

Oh and I am being very measured here as I am sure you will show her this thread and I think you should, but I can also tell you that if my husband's response to me was ever to try and 'shh' me like a child - then there would be world war bloody 3.

Ask her to think for a moment how she'd feel if you ever did that to her? Presumably she'd be livid!

Being shhhh'd is really really rude. It's what some teachers do to kids. It's a 'I'm in charge, you may not speak now, only when I say, and you're not even worth an explanation of my reasons why'.

Hey OP, I agree entirely that tiredness is no excuse for her treating you so dismissively/borderline contemptuously.

Hope you can raise your voice and be heard.