How to forgive DP?

[helpmeforgive]

Hi all,

I have some serious trust issues that stem from a lot of abuse/gaslighting in a previous relationship from the age of 16.

I'm now with DP who is very different. However, I know I brought baggage into the relationship and have sought help throughout as I know it isn't right.

But DP has done somethings to question my trust that I found out. There's some unexplained, still, activity that doesn't necessarily point to 'bad behaviour' (not sure what to call it) but is most likely connected, he also used an adult chat website. This really broke me and I didn't know what to do.

Ultimately, I've decided to try move past it. I spent some time on the website to see what he could have been doing. It's literally just an anonymous chat website. People come out as gay, people openly talk about their wives/husbands/children, any issues in their lives, politics, things in the news, then more darker things like sex, different sex fantasies etc. You also get a point score that shows how much you interacted with it that you can't change. You also can't have more than one account. DP's score was very low and he admitted to what he used it for: firstly to discuss our relationship, then found interest in the fetishes part. I don't actually have anything against it and after months of thought, decided I don't classify this as a form of cheating. I am sure he has never met up with anyone/ revealed his identity on there.

Anyway, by the by, I need to move on, but some days I am so full of anger, upset, and anxiety I make it so hard. He is doing so much to help me and he's a good partner in every other way.

How do I try to move past this/forgive? I am only hurting myself more.

Maybe you just can't move past it.
You say 'This really broke me'
But then go on to say 'Ultimately, I've decided to try move past it' but you aren't moving past it.
This is making you angry, upset and fills you with anxiety.
So why do you keep at it?
It's not good for you or your mental health as you cannot move past it.
There is nothing wrong with that.
He crossed your boundaries. You thought you could forgive. You can't.
If you really think this is a YOU problem then I suggest getting to your GP to discuss your anxiety and look into some therapy or counselling.
Have you tried 'Mindfulness'?
That could help you a bit.
Have you discussed this with anyone else? It can help to share a problem and get some perspective from someone you trust!

@hellsbells the boundary for me he crossed is the secrets one. Since then we've moved on a lot, things really changed and I wasn't upset at all. But then I randomly get triggered, usually by things on mumsnet tbh.

I've been to therapy and tried the rest. I really want to just let go of it. It broke me from a secrecy perspective and the fact he's somewhat lying to hide it. The actual content didn't upset me it turns out.

What do you mean by “secrets”. Is it that he didn’t tell you he was discussing your relationship on social media?

@LemonTT not sure I'd refer to it as social media.
He was accessing the website secretly, using an incognito browser - I found out by complete accident

Is it like a forum site like this, or is it a chat site where you forge relationships?

So I understand correctly: you have lost trust in him and feel he’s done something wrong by having thoughts and feelings regarding your relationship or sex life which he discussed with / disclosed to strangers online, presumably for support, advice or opinions; and didn’t tell you he was doing this or show you what he was writing?

I appreciate that there’s clearly a lot of overspill from your “trust issues” but I think what he’s done is common and normal. You’re doing it here, aren’t you? Many, many women use MN to discuss and vent about their relationships and disclose information - including about sex - that their OH would probably think of as private. I doubt they tell their OHs they’re doing it. We all have thoughts and feelings we find difficult to process and that we feel the need to seek advice and opinions on. Most people would find it difficult or embarrassing to have these conversations with friends or family, and strangers can give objective advice. He hasn’t met anyone.

Do you believe you should have a window into his soul at all times? Do you object to him having secret or private thoughts?

@ComtesseDeSpair
I don't know if that's all he did though...he had decided to delete the account and stop using it which is why I found out about it.

It's a website where you can meet people to date, you can send sexual pictures, it can be used for the "darker" side of things.

OP,

Am I misunderstanding you?
He hasn't cheated but has been conversing online about your relationship.

I would think that each person is allowed privacy in their life.

Women come on MN and discuss things about their relationship.

Why shouldn't a man.

The cheating would be if he was developing an online relationship with one poster.

But if he is anonymously posting about your relationship on a site, then I would think that is his business and it's controlling of you to suggest he can't.

Apologies if I am mistaken in my interpretation of what you are writing.

@GiveHerHellFromUs the latter.

When I signed up to see what it was I got hundreds of messages come through. I think people get notified when someone new joins. They're innocent, although I also got a dick pic within 3 minutes.

It can be used for the completely innocent to (probably) an affair.

It’s difficult to respond to your concerns because they are inconsistent. Is it what he did or that he kept it secret?

I believe that discussing your relationship with others is a matter of privacy. I think it unwise to do it on anonymous forums. However any of us are allowed to do it without partners objecting or intruding.

I can understand you not wanting to be involved with someone who has an unpalatable fetish. But that’s a boundary for you.

I can understand you not trusting him because you believe he was looking for hook ups. I can’t tell you if he was or wasn’t. But if you don’t trust him and it vexes you, then it is not the relationship for you.

I doubt OP is accessing Mumsnet using an incognito browser. She certainly won't be sending or looking at sexual pictures on Mumsnet. Mumsnet doesn't have a dating aspect.

So it isn't really a valid comparison.

I would personally be wondering what would have happened if I hadn't discovered this. You will never know how far he would have taken it. Until he either does or doesn't do something again.

Again, I personally couldn't be arsed with hanging around waiting to see, especially given there's been some other dodgy behaviour that you haven't elaborated on.

It's a good sign he deleted it before you found out about it (if I'm reading you right), but that's no reason to go all-in on the trust, depending on his other 'behaviours'. You should trust people less when they act in an untrustworthy way - that isn't baggage, that's common sense.

What makes sense is to take time and increase your trust in him according to how he behaves - that's the only way for trust to build or be eroded - by judging on behaviour over time.

@ChristmasFluff I think the reason I'm just trying to be vague, and as a result accidentally inconsistent, is because I have decided I'm fine with the actual action of what he did, or at least have decided to forgive him. So opinions on the actual content are what I'm trying to avoid.

In all fairness, someone can use Instagram and Facebook etc to do the exact same as the website he used. The point of the website is to conceal identity, which is why some people use it to come out, talk about their problems, talk about abuse they have encountered and get support, but also it can also be used for sexual things.
It doesn't seem to be used for hook ups and it never had an app when he used it, it is an old website. It's just something to be whoever you want to be. He used a different name and age for example.

I don't know for definite what he did on it as he decided to delete it all and his account before I found out (he wouldn't be doing this every time - it is far too difficult - the same as deleting and starting a Facebook). I have to take his word on the content and what he got involved in, he also didn't need to tell me about the fetish thing (I'm quite open on that and had no issue with the fetish although it's not a mainstream one).
I am fairly sure he never ever met anyone or revealed his identity. I am always with him and know where he is, there have never been inconsistencies.

So what is it that you need to forgive ?

@LemonTT the secrecy: hiding it from me on purpose, doing something I wouldn't like.
I'm not okay about him going on the website but I've decided it's not enough to end the relationship.

I wouldn’t go onto a website and ask for advice on my relationship or sexual desires.

I might go to good friends or a therapist. It would be a private matter for me. I may tell my partner about it or not. But if I needed it to be private, I would not ask for forgiveness if they found out about it.

He was entitled to discuss this privately. I don’t agree with the way or medium he chose. However I think you are being intrusive. Just as it would be intrusive for a husband to object to posts on here from women.

It sounds like the two of you need to seek some relationship counselling - at least so you can try and distill exactly why you’re upset and explain to him why you feel he’s done something wrong. It doesn’t make any sense that you believe he went on a website and posted about thoughts / feelings you don’t mind him having; but at the same time are devastated he posted about them in the first place. Plus, it doesn’t really end with you deciding that you don’t like him having secrets (or privacy, depending on how you look at it) but can forgive him this once, though, does it? Does this mean you’re going to want to check his internet history on demand from now on? How does he feel about this? Are you happy being in a relationship where you feel the need to check what your partner is doing all the time? Is he happy for this to be his life?

It’s also really difficult to give good advice here because you’re being so opaque about what the website is and is for. I post about and discuss all kinds of junk on Reddit (where I could also find a hookup and post naked photos of myself if I wished, but neither are a key purpose of the site) and I probably wouldn’t want DP reading all of it - simply because I like to have some level of privacy about what goes on inside my head sometimes, not because I’m doing anything wrong.

To pick up on what LemonTT said above - it is that he was posting online that you don’t like? Would you be equally upset if he’d arranged himself a private session with a counseller and not told you?