Unsure how to facilitate contact with ExP

[LuckyBug89]

Hi all!

Over the past couple of months I have written about an incident that ended with me and me then DP separating.

We managed to talk over messenger etc before the incident was resolved by police and SS and then he was cautioned and I was told to "work out contact with ExP yourself as SS have deemed him no threat to myself or the kids". Fair enough. For the sake of the children I have tried my hardest to remain calm and amicable but he makes it so difficult. Constant lies and has lighting.

He said when he first came back on the scene he wanted to try and make it work as a family and I stupidly agreed. That lasted 6 days. So awkward. He would barely speak to me, treated me like I was contagious. Think the closest he got to me was 1 metre. He became very sarcastic and cold, basically I felt like he was using my home as free board and free food as he didn't contribute financially or domestically. After this being my life for the last year I told him enough, it clearly wasn't going to work, he had no intention of trying or changing and he should go. He agreed and moved back to his nans.

Now the real issue here is that we have agreed he can see the children two week nights and every other weekend. All good - except - he has no where to live of his own (he lives with his Nan who doesn't want contact at her home), he does not drive and lives a 20 min bus ride away. He has no money because he is useless at budgeting. He finishes work at 4:30, by the time he gets here it's 5pm, our youngest DC is 2, 5pm is tea time, then bath time and bed time routine.

ExP wants to do contact at my house. But it's not working, my mental health is being affected, I keep having panic attacks and his gas lighting about situations is making me feel insane. He picks fights with me and then turns it around so I feel like the unreasonable one. It all escalated last night and after he left I told him he couldn't do contact at my home anymore as it's not healthy and the children don't need to witness our arguments and hostility. He's now saying "well if you don't want me to see the children then fair enough". I never said that?!

I am so confused but unsure what my next steps are. Any advice would be appreciated. And well done if you made it this far!

Can you do mediation?
Under no circumstances should he be having contact in your youse, this is just a. Scheme to bully you.

If he doesn't make an effort then tough that's his choiceZ

I would send him a clear concise text message so you have a 'paper trail'
Make it clear that you want contact to be possible.
And it is up to him how he facilitates that.
But you cannot have it at your house and list your reasons.
Then see what his response is.
Make it clear that you are not saying you don't want him to see the children but he needs to sort it out and he needs to arrange where contact will be as it's unfair on the kids when he comes round and keeps abusing you. You won't allow them to continue to see that.
If it's written down then he can't deny it with his gaslighting!
I would also follow that up with a more in depth email.

I would agree with previous poster that you should write everything in text messages so you have clear proof of what you’ve said; be clear and don’t say too much eg.
Weve agreed this level of contact however I can no longer facilitate this at my home. I am not stopping you seeing the children. Let me know what the arrangements will now be for when you see the children on the agreed days.
I then wouldn’t respond to anything else until he makes a suggestion or plan of what he is doing. There is no way you have to have him at your house and it’s his responsibility to work out how to see the children.
Keep in mind that you’re right that it’s not good for the children to witness all of this and deeply confusing for their dad to still come to the house in this way.

So I messaged him and told him I can't facilitate contact at my home anymore. It's not good for my mental health and it's sending confusing messages to our DC (especially the youngest and middle DC)

He responded the way I expected. "If you don't want me to see the children the fair do's, I will message in a couple of weeks and we can discuss visitation again"

Replied I never said he couldn't see DC just that he couldn't do it here. He ignored that and started an argument about something completely different.

I give in. What's the actual point.

I have been made aware that he is looking for a place of his own. However it's a bedsit share with 3 others. All students. Communal living areas and bathrooms. It's not a place where he can have his children stay an visit.

Don't respond to anything else at all - ever again.
Bring the topic back.
'As I said, I want you to see the children. And as stated, due to your behaviour, it cannot be at my house anymore. Let me know when you have made other arrangements. We could do this via a contact centre if that would enable you to see your DC more often.'