Get out of cycle

[CityBug]

I feel like I am torturing my DP. And I do not know how to get out of the cycle.

I really like him and what he brings into my life, he has the knowledge and skills I’m lacking and is very sweet and caring. But there are also some never-ending issues, which make it difficult for me to be fully happy. We need different amounts of time together and he just doesn’t seem to get my need for some solitude or quietness which I need most of the days for like an hour and I find really hard balancing it so mostly I just basically surrender to his constant chit-chatting. I’m his only social interaction besides work so I can’t blame him for wanting to interact with me. I also struggle to respect him in some ways because he has low self-esteem issues in some areas which makes it hard for him to commit to things and be.. I do not know, in my view responsible, reliable in some areas? Difficult to explain.
Anyway, he is rather laid back and barely brings up issues. And there I am the “pain in the ass” who 2-3 times per year goes into the “we need to fix everything” mode and lay out all the issues I have. The thing is, whatever solutions we find these do not work. And as these are my issues (I need daily peace and quiet, I need him to be more reliable), I have to work on sustaining these solutions, but to me it seems he doesn’t really understand my struggles and doesn’t take these too seriously afterwards.
So now I am again in the mode. I feel like I am just torturing him because when I bring these things up the conversations last for hours and he is so exhausted afterwards (because I basically dump a lot of things on him) and I am still not happy at the end because I do not really believe anything will improve afterwards. I guess I try so hard to make him understand my issues so he can see my view and then it would be easier for him to contribute to the solutions, but it seems he just doesn’t understand. I’m just in a loss.
We cannot really afford couples counselling, either. I'd just like to get out of this cycle somehow.

Taking a massive dump on him (pardon the pun) every 3 or 4 months is never going to work. Like you say, these hours of conversation are leaving him exhausted.

It's worth remembering that while these issues permeate your mind every day and bug you relentlessly they are likely only entering his mind during these dumps. Because of the scale of what you are telling him he really is limited in how he can positively respond to all of the issues. It sounds like in the end because of all the different issues you raise that he is likely not taking them as seriously as they actually are.

I think a good starting point would be regular honest conversations about where you are in the relationship, about what's bothering each of you and how the other can help with that. If you chat once a week it might be an idea to focus on 1 thing each week to start with. And it's important that when you discuss it you explain how it affects you and the potential consequences of it not changing.

It sounds like your biggest issue is needing your own space. He likely takes this as a slight, it will damage his ego because he can't understand it. Talking about it regularly and explaining that this is actually something you need to sustain a relationship and a happy life will mean it eventually sinks in.

Basically, be patient but be organised. Communicate regularly and clearly, don't leave room for ambiguity. He will get it, he just needs to realise the reasons for things and the consequences for not changing.

I’m his only social interaction besides work so I can’t blame him for wanting to interact with me
But why? Does he not have friends? Hobbies? Family?
I'd just like to get out of this cycle somehow
So end it. Why can’t you? Why won’t you?
It’s not working for you.
What is stopping you taking back your life?

He needs some friends and hobbies.

My husband needs time on his own whereas I'm really chatty and sociable. We had teething issues at the start until I realised I couldn't rely on him for all my socialising and now just do it on my own.
I love my husband but I would go mad without my friends.

You can't do that for him though he needs to respect your needs or it's not going to work.