Dh has an annoying habit of picking me up on a raised voice when we argue. This derails the discussion and it becomes and argument as I defend myself. (This is really simplistic.)
But absolutely refuses to acknowledge when he does it. So paints a picture that I "always shout" and therefore angry, and he's never angry, which is complete bullshit.
He does by default then DARVO. Or we are arguing about me being angry - which makes me angry, of course.
It's petty and gaslighty but basically fucking annoying and irritating. It has in the past driven me to despair, now it's simply causing a stupid clog in our relationship. He also sometimes laughs which winds me up even more. He says he finds something amusing and genuinely didn't understand why I found it passive aggressive and humiliating the other day. He was then hurt I'd said that's how I felt when he'd laughed!
I know some of it's because his mum never ever raises her voice, is extremely meek and mild and his dad would have done being the patriarch, a prison guard and both being extremely set in traditional gender roles, though he now cooks.
I find sharp comebacks really help. I'm crap at this as in my family we discuss the actual issue, with raised voices, cos that's rather a human thing, without getting dragged into other personal accusations.
I will be using "I'm not angry, just really disappointed" next time he tells me I'm angry.
"I'm not going to be distracted by other issues"
"I don't respond to being spoken to like that" (when he's snapped.)
Gah he's infuriating. The only way to be is to absolutely never loose my cool which is impossible as he often acts like a twelve year old.
It's all the petty crap. Dishwashers and laundry. I can't justify LTB. When I read other stories here and. Have the pat craven book, I don't see him. But I get dragged into stupid arguments trying to unpick accusations and DARVO and lies.
I apologise quickly in arguments. He doesn't. So there's an inbalance there too. I've forced my self to stop apologising. But started to again in order to demonstrate how to apologise! He knows I find this an issue. Was genuinely clueless, now says I don't give him a chance which is probably very true! It's just that he expects apologies and has been rather over the top getting our son to do so in the past.
Even if no replies, it's helpful to write it down!