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Is this gaslighting?

8 replies

Woeisme99 · 19/11/2019 01:26

Had a deal with DP earlier, he'd come by Sainsburys after work, pick up dc and give me his Nectar points so I could get some Christmas pressies.

Unbeknownst to us you have to use your app this year, so I suggested he leave his phone. He got really cagey that this wasn't possible and said he'd stay, making it quite awkward as I wanted to buy bloody Christmas pressies that the dc had unwittingly chosen. He got quite arsey about the whole thing, fine, we did it his way.

Tonight I've challenged him saying he clearly didn't want me to have the phone and has he something to hide.... He has been caught out on a major fuck up before via his phone, so had form. He's turned this around and suggested I was relishing in the opportunity to "snoop" in his phone, and claims I'd snooped through his glove box a few weeks ago, and through his phone a few months ago, neither of these are true.

I'm now awake thinking this is classic manipulation, he's turned the whole thing around and accused me of snooping, to deflect from my accusations of him being cagey with his phone.

What do you think, is he being a shit?

OP posts:
weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 01:33

What do you think, is he being a shit?

Not really, no.

I wouldn't go home and leave my phone with DH in Sainsbury's either. Literally nothing to hide.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 19/11/2019 01:34

If you have caught him before doing something wrong with his phone and by his reaction this time then it would set alarm bells ringing

The supermarket thing if it was just that then I would have passed it off as maybe it's inconvenient to leave his phone and be without it all day.....but if he is making up stuff (accusing you of snooping through his glove box and phone) which isn't true, then it sounds more like guilt is talking

I mean if you hadn't done any of that's and just needed the phone to use the app to get nectar points ..why is he actinh so cagey and mentioning snooping unless he has something to hide (I'd actually would look in his glove box since his guilty outburst mentioned it, and see what he has in there)

Interestedwoman · 19/11/2019 01:37

Definitely sounds dodgy.

Woeisme99 · 19/11/2019 01:39

Thanks for the opinions. I'd normally not ask for anyone's phone, but the logistics just meant it would have been better if he'd just left it with me for 5 minutes so the dc didn't see me buying the presents, but clearly I wasn't reasonable, totally fine with that.

It's more about the way he's turned this around, either he's been holding on to anger for months that I supposedly snooped through his phone, or he made it up on the spot. Either way it's just not sitting right with me.

OP posts:
KnowMenClature · 19/11/2019 01:41

DARVO

He's reversing it onto you, denying anything and has a guilty conscience about the glove box and your supposed previous phone snoop!

Its not a good look for him I have to say. If hes already got form, well, it just looks worse frankly.

Sorry OP Flowers

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 01:46

The logical solution would be for you to log in to the nectar account on your phone though. Why would you even need to keep his phone?

Woeisme99 · 19/11/2019 01:55

Weirdsmell it was a suprise that I'd need the app as previously paper vouchers were issued, so I didn't stop and think about logging in on my phone, and I'd assume that you could only access your own account on the app anyway (tech isn't my strongest area).

It absolutely wasn't an attempt on my part to get access to his phone, it wouldn't even occur to me to be so sneaky or contrived. I've got a new baby and quite honestly can't be fucked with this sort of nonsense, even if I wanted to be. It was just his reaction and subsequent accusations that concerned me, as pp says, DARVO comes to mind.

OP posts:
Timeforanamechange2020 · 19/11/2019 02:27

It would have raised my suspicions, he could have just waited in the car with the kids while you paid 🤷🏻‍♀️

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