Hi ladies
I first came on here almost a month ago, feeling completely bereft after my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. I have two young children and felt our lives had just been turned upside down by his leaving.
I wasn't eating, sleeping, I couldn't concentrate and felt there was no way out. I not ashamed to say I felt absolutely desperate. A month on, with the very kind support of the ladies on here, I do feel a little better and just thought I'd share some of the things that have helped me, just in case anyone is feeling as absolutely horrendous as I did just a short while ago as I could have done with reading something like this.
Disclaimer ... I literally know nothing, but just maybe this may help someone.
I had heard all the cliches about time being a healer... but really.... it is. However if you're someone who NEEDS to know exactly WHEN you will feel better, or you're super practical and don't understand the practical steps involved in 'learning to love yourself' etc, I found the following things I could actually DO really helped me.
1. Make a list as detailed as you like of ALL of their bad points, however tiny ... everything that annoyed you ... bugged you.... that you previously accepted. If you're a bit of a geek like me categorise it, colour code it, type it out, add sub-categories. Do what you need to do. Print it, keep it in your bag and if you need to remind yourself run through that list and remind yourself of all their bad points.
2. Change your routine. Something has to change to stop you missing this person so much and feeling their absence. My ex and I worked together and we always parked near each other in the work carpark. I have changed where I park and I now enter the building by a difference entrance. That change has been good for me. I dont see his car and so I dont necessarily think of him as soon as I arrive at work. Little changes like this do make a difference.
3. Say 'yes'. Say yes to invitations, to nights out, nights in at friends' houses, spa days, things with your kids, anything at all. Just say yes. Do it all. Pass the time.
4. Don't stay in the house. Sort of links to the one above but even you have no-one to socialise with, even if its just you and the children, even if its a 20 minute walk in the fresh air, do it. Breathe in the outdoors, feel the cold, clear your head.
5. Delete them from social media. It took me a little while to do this as it felt so final but it is honestly the healthiest thing to do and I wish I had done it sooner. Seeing his new profile picture (with your head now cropped out!) or his updates laughing at funny memes etc is really not good for you when you feel like your own life is falling apart. Take back the control. At this time, it's definitely a case of ignorance is bliss.
6. If you can, change something about your setting. My bedroom felt very depressing. It reminded me of him, and that made me feel his lack of presence even more. I couldn't afford to redecorate but I made some small changes, like changing the framed photos and changing my duvet cover. It makes my room look different. I dont associate it with him so much now.
7. Embrace the good moments/days. You will have some good times where you find yourself laughing and smiling again. Embrace them .... you're allowed, and soon that will be your new normal again. Remember that as bad as any one day is, you don't have to do that day ever again. The days might be painful ... incredibly so .... but each day you get through is a day closer to your next happiness.
I read something yesterday which I thought was interesting. It said that soon you will realise that someone becomes far more ordinary to you when the loves fades. You will realise that it was YOUR love that made them seem so special and put them on a pedestal. I think that struck a chord with me. There's definitely some truth in that.
I hope this helps someone x