Is it worth making this work?

[Confusedandaxious]

I met a very good man 9 years ago. He really was lovely, generous, treated me and my family well and was very supportive and kind not just to me but to everyone. He has very ill parents and would go up every weekend to them in a different city to help look after them. When his mother died, I was unwell at home and he drove back for the day to look after me check I was ok before driving back there. I’m saying all this because he genuinely is a good kind person and I loved him very much.

However what has really hurt and damaged our relationship is that he was never able to say No to anyone - his parents, wider family, me - and inevitably if you please everyone you please no-one. It caused a lot of problems in our relationship - for example the first 4-5 years we never spent a weekend together because he was always visiting his parents. His siblings refused to help yet he still would do favours for them etc. I felt like I was coming second even though he did a lot for me and I feel guilty for feeling like this. During this time I desperately wanted us to buy a place together and he dragged his heels over it a lot and lied to me a few times about things. This has all taken its toll on me and I feel hugely resentful and upset and now I don’t know how I feel towards him. I feel desperately sad as I feel we had a fantastic relationship but I don’t know how to get past all the hurt I have and I do feel guilty for not being able to move on. He is sorry and things are different now. The previous stresses before aren’t there anymore. And I do feel it’s unfair for me to hold on to this. But I also wonder whether I should just move on. I do still love him in some way and part of me thinks I always will but I feel very sad and upset at the years gone by that were just wasted.

I guess I just don’t know what to do.

Is your relationship still in the same holding pattern as it was for so long?

This sounds very sad for you. Are you sure he's not married? Have you met his family? What are you getting from the relationship? I think you may need to leave him to progress your life..

No it’s not. But I feel like it’s so damaged from what happened before that I can’t move on at the moment. I feel we wasted so many years because he needed to help his family and now that issue isn’t there anymore I still can’t move past it. I’ve had to put some of my own wishes for the two of us on hold for them and now I’m free to pursue that I just don’t know.

I have met his family. He’s definitely not married. I think he’s just a very kind man who feels guilty if he let down his parents but who also didn’t think ahead to what he wanted and that sometimes you have to make some sacrifices. I think he realises this all now. But it’s so late.

It seems as though the relationship may have run its course. Do you live together now? What did he lie about?

I think you should end it. You just can't let this go and all it will do is continue to poison your relationship. Your heart isn't in it.

I'm a little confused. You seem to have been with him for a long time (you mention 4-5 yrs). I'm wondering why you've never married, moved in together or progressed the relationship in that time. Compromises could have been made. Yet, he doesn't want to buy a house with you. He doesn't want to get married or move in together, even though he is free to do so now.

I wonder if his responsibilities to others are a convenient way of giving you just enough. I'm wondering if there was someone else he spent every weekend with. I'm wondering if he can lie about the house, what else is he lying about. I'm wondering why you would consider wasting more time on a hiding to nowhere.

Well when I wanted us to buy a place together he lied about sorting things out for it when he hadn’t, making viewings etc etc. Also he ended up renting a flat from his friend - I was against this as I felt I didn’t want to be beholden to his friend and that it would prevent us looking for a place - so he lied and said it was a different rental place. Later I found out it was his friend’s flat. Then he said his friend was letting him (and me) live there for free which is why he accepted it as it was helping financially to get a place. But that turned out to be untrue and he was paying him rent. It really upset me at the time. But on the flip side - I was living there, earning less than him, and never once did he ask me to pay rent as he knew I was needing to save. I feel very sad and conflicted.

The first 4-7 years his parents were alive. And yes I wanted to progress things and do all the things other couples do but he dragged his heels. He did eventually buy a place. Since his mother died two years ago he would be happy to progress now but I can’t let go of all that wasted time I suppose and what I feel I missed out on.

What makes it difficult for me, is he genuinely treated me very well in every other way and is my best friend. He is not an arsehole or a horrible man. We get along so well and have similar values. But I can’t get over the upset I feel and I do feel guilty for that and like that is my fault. If I could, I believe we could have a lovely rest of our lives together. He genuinely did not have anyone else or was married. I spent a lot of weekends up there with his family and friends and know them very well.

All I know OP is that you are miserable. You've been in this relationship for years and it's going nowhere. For whatever reason, he's happy with it as it is. Your needs are not getting a look in here. Compromises could have been made regarding his parents but never were. Everything is about him.

I think it's time to put your needs and wants first. I would give him an ultimatum and be prepared to walk if he doesn't do it. At least then, you know you've done all you can before walking away. You could walk around the corner and meet your next partner, you never know and you'll never find out if you carry on like this.

It's the lies that would bother me more than anything, OP. They're not the worst sort of lies, but they still should never have happened. I would tell him that if he lied to me ever again, that would be it: finished.

I think he treated you badly over the housing, unacceptable lying. Maybe that's why you can't get past it?

Yes it’s the lies and the stalling over big life plans that I can’t get past. Even though he treated me well in every other way, those things were important to me and he didn’t respect that or value that enough to be upfront with me. I guess I just see other people with partners who do want the same things and progress going forwards except that the partner is selfish or unkind or stingy or ungenerous and I think we’ll i really get along and laugh with my partner and love him and know he would drop everything in a heartbeat to come and help me.

Yet I can’t get last the house and the lying stuff. I had an unstable childhood growing up - parents very volatile and we were constantly moving around. He knows all this but still it wasn’t important to him to prioritise something that he knew caused me a lot of anxiety.

I think you are right. He is a good man but the relationship has run its course and I need to accept that, cut loose and move on. Hopefully there might be someone even better out there for me.

I ended my marriage in part due to exDH’s inability to say no to anyone....apart from me. It was ok to let me down but not possible for him to say no to his parents, siblings, work, anyone else.
It sounds like you need to re-evaluate your relationship now that those pressures are no longer there, and see if you still want to be together.

Ugh sorry I namechanged back and not to the right one. Here’s my post again.

Yes it’s the lies and the stalling over big life plans that I can’t get past. Even though he treated me well in every other way, those things were important to me and he didn’t respect that or value that enough to be upfront with me. I guess I just see other people with partners who do want the same things and progress going forwards except that the partner is selfish or unkind or stingy or ungenerous and I think we’ll i really get along and laugh with my partner and love him and know he would drop everything in a heartbeat to come and help me.

Yet I can’t get last the house and the lying stuff. I had an unstable childhood growing up - parents very volatile and we were constantly moving around. He knows all this but still it wasn’t important to him to prioritise something that he knew caused me a lot of anxiety.

I think you are right. He is a good man but the relationship has run its course and I need to accept that, cut loose and move on. Hopefully there might be someone even better out there for me.

I wrote my response before I saw the second part of yours OP. I think this is part of the process of letting go. I think there's been too much water under the bridge and you can't move past it. I think you've thought long and hard about it but know it's time to move on. You sound lovely OP. Really gentle and kind and I can't imagine there isn't someone out there who won't snap you up, given half the chance.

Thank you that’s really nice of you to say. This has really helped me consider everything.

I couldn't get over all the lying either, and tbh, I don't think it would be wise to. If he lies for an "easy life" so readily, you can't trust him to be honest in the future. You need to be able to rely on your partner. However nice he is in other ways, he hasn't got your back.

No he hasn’t. This is what has happened for he last few years - I flip between feeling really hurt and angry and resentful with him to seeing how kind he is and feeling guilty and disloyal. But I think it is time to move on. Ultimately he hasn’t got my back and it’s just not worth it.

You sound like a lovely and kind person OP. I don't have any advice, things will depend on your ages, whether or not you want children etc, but in general there is a feeling here that he has let you down and stalled at important times in your lives. It may be that you are feeling that it is time to move on, and if that is the case, there is a whole world out there waiting for you. Wishing you the best of luck.