PIL won't use my name

[Belfield]

My MIL, FIL And BIL never refer to me by my name instead calling me for eg. Mary. My name is not that complicated but they say this is easier. They are from abroad. I have told them that's not my name but they just scoffed. My DH says he has told them and is sick of saying it. Last night they were taking on Skype and I heard my pretend name several times. I said it to my DH but he just said he is sick of saying it and they will think he is awkward if it says it again. To me it is extreme disrespect to not use someone's name and my husband excuse is very weak and his behaviour is as bad as theres. I have again reiterated that it is extremely disrespectful but my DH just seem to get that.

Exactly what @Hithere2 said.

Men respond to actions rather than words. Don’t stoop down to their level and call them other names.

Just ignore them. Don’t engage and don’t go to visit them. Don’t stop him from going but don’t go there to be insulted and disrespected.

He is constantly justifying their behaviour saying they are just difficult

How on earth can he justify their behaviour?

Doesn’t look like you are his priority.

@Innishh I'm not. That is becoming abundantly clear.

15 years!

I bet the name issue is the tip of the iceberg and way bigger atrocities have been committed

I agree. They sound entitled and disrespectful. Our name is part of our identity, the message is clear, you don’t matter, you don’t exist.

For a husband to not firmly stand up to them and say: ‘do not disrespect my wife’ and justify their behaviour is appaling. I could have written your OP.

@Hithere2 yes just the tip of the iceberg. He has been in touch with her today and she has continued to call me by my pretend name and he has done nothing about it.

Start calling your so called dh by a name he hates. From now on, that is his new name.

Maybe he will start catching up if he suffers the same treatment

Is he open to marital therapy?

Dh needs a new name. How about Dick

I could have written this myself. My ex MIL called me Betty all the time (English family, I'm English too and have an English name.)

The whole family called me it, and I learned they actually used Betty as a name for all exes previous partners, so they didn't get mixed up. I was absolutely horrified at this.

They never did stop. And to this day I call her Betty too.

Some people are just plain rude.

My MIL has called me Sharon for 16 years - it’s not my name.

Don’t respond then simple just ignore them

Where are they from? Do you both come from English speaking countries? Could there be racist undertones to this?

Yeah, mine do this too. 17 years now. They are not English and in the early days have me a name from their own culture, which has completely stuck. I barely notice any more. They are actually lovely and have made me feel very welcome in lots of ways so I don’t mind. They do know my real name! They are a family who uses lots of nicknames so it feels like a term of endearment now.

Not a term of endearment. Of that I am sure. DH mother is very possessive. Her 50 year old son lives with her, doesn't work and she is his only friend. That's the way she likes it. If DH says anything protective of me, she gets inflamed and he couldn't be arsed to deal with it so instead he treats me like a second class citizen and ensures she always feels she is his priority. Obviously thst doesn't make for a happy marriage. The name is just a small example. Some PIL can be so rude and I see others have the same name Problem!

so instead he treats me like a second class citizen and ensures she always feels she is his priority

No that’s not what is happening here.
He is is own priority.
His own personal discomfort is the priority.
He tap dances around his mother so that HE doesn’t experience her rage - and he is happy to throw you, his lifetime partner and the mother of his children under the bus each and every time.
He is not prepared to defend your dignity above his own emotional comfort.

YOU need to put down some boundaries and consequences with your DH.

She sounds like a controlling narcissist - read up about that. He has been conditioned in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to tap dance to her tune. You are the scapegoat and her emotional punch bag.

This is v disrespectful behaviour from her to you, via him and he enables it.

What Innishh wrote. Please pay heed.

I would just add that your H's own inertia hurts him as well as you and your son. Your H is really a weak individual here whose own self is his number 1 priority. He is that mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt that he would do and say ANYTHING not to incur the wrath of his mother, a woman who he still seeks approval from and its something she will never give him.

@Innishh and @AttilaTheMeerkat thank you. I believe she is a controlling narcissist and I had significant sympathy for a long time for both DH and in particular his brother but DH went to counselling himself (just one session) and whilst he didn't go into great details about what he said (which of course he would not) he did say that he told the Counsellor that he felt the need to tell others how they should act because he has high morals due to the fact that he was raised by a mother who has a very high character and morals. He is knee deep in denial. I have already sent him documents to read up on and he agrees she fits the criteria 100% but will still put her ahead of me and our son. Thanks again

Yes he is in denial and your response inadvertently colludes with that as I will explain.

You have signposted him to professional help and expert information. All good. But he has rejected this, hasn’t engaged, won’t pick up the tools. That is his own journey in his own time.

But if there are no consequences from YOU then YOU are effectively accepting, enabling, facilitating her bad behaviour and his bad treatment of YOU and YOUR DS.

The answer is not to repeatedly nag and engage in some sort of tug of war game - with him in the middle - you just need to drop that rope and have a v clear and firm boundary with him. This is an action, a consequence.

It is not more decades of round and round circular nagging trying to get him to see the light. He already sees it - just wont look at it.

So YOU need to totally change the dynamic - imagine the tug of war - you drop the rope and just watch them collide into chaos.

Declare your own personal boundaries and communicate them to him once - as you would about any other abusive person (eg difficult neighbour for instance):

1. He is not to tell you anything about her.
2. He is not to have her on FT/call in your home in your presence.
3. He is not to give her any info about you or your life.
4. You will not be going to her home.
5. She will never set foot in yours.
6. You can decide if these also apply to your DC for their protection.

By doing this you are emotionally protecting yourself by not exposing yourself to her nastiness and his failure to protect you. It probably suits him that the grenades are hurled directly at you as he gets to swerve them.

He has chosen to date not to defend, protect or honour your dignity against his mother. If he doesn’t deliver on these then you need to seriously consider your next steps.