Never feel I’m ‘held in mind’

[Worryworker]

Just wondering whether I’m being too demanding or sensitive here. I feel my DH never really thinks about me, or generally holds me in mind. Literally has never thought to take me to dinner as a surprise date, theatre (things I like to do) or a night/weekend away even though I’ve commented on his lack of ability to do this and how lovely it would be if he did! Because he doesn’t like the theatre, cinema (being around the general public mainly!) then I don’t get to share these things with him. In the 14 years we’ve been together I’ve always done these things with my DSis or a friend which at times has been lovely and enjoyable but I’d love just once or twice for my DH to take me just because he knows I like it, put his own feelings (and moaning!) to one side.

He’s admitted before to perhaps being a bit selfish. I’ve even taken the kids to things, places on my because he doesn’t want to/like it; we’d never go on holiday if I didn’t arrange and book it.

He’s been depressed in the past and got to point where he was barely going out, was really hard work to be around so I gave him an ultimatum to see someone and get himself sorted or that was it. Things got better, they often do briefly, but then he resorts back to his ‘selfish’ self. Last year he had a physical health problem which has affected him and his mental health understandably but feel now this is being used even more as an excuse to not do things with me.

He can also be quick to anger, short-tempered.

I’m not sure whether I can expect him to ever change and really don’t know what to do as I find myself feeling lonely and unappreciated and unloved (although he says he loves me every day- actions speak louder than words I think!)

What sort of things do you to show him you are holding him in mind?

Perhaps you need to accept the fact that he is simply inherently selfish, and it's something that will never change. Now you have to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

I’ve booked us weekend in Paris (some years ago now), nights away just us two; will often buy him something I either know he needs (eg new pants!) or I know he likes (eg: his favourite bar of chocolate). I’ve sent him little messages, texts. On his birthdays, Xmas I really think about what he’d like and plan whereas for my birthday I’ve often felt it’s been last minute thought and he’s ended up buying me something that I’ve had to hint about or something I’ve already got!! I’ve done these things for him less recently as kind of feel resentful it’s not reciprocated. Then I think that maybe some people are just more thoughtful than others and I have to just accept he’s not capable of it!

We do get on well much of time- he makes me laugh so much but this has been something that’s always bothered me. Even sometimes we’re there in the same house and he seems oblivious of me, like he’s in his own head. I’ll ask him to come to bed when I do (he tends to go to bed later as needs less sleep than me!) sometimes so we can cuddle, chat and he says he’ll be up but then doesn’t.

How old are your dc? I sometimes think there are things I can accept now while we are busy with children, that I would struggle more with if it was just him and me for ever and ever and ever..

Hi @hopelesssuitcase. The dc’s are 13 and 11 so becoming less dependent on us although both do activities that mean me and DH often like ships passing with one taking one one way and the other another! In other ways though we have more opportunities to have time together even just for an hour or so as we could leave the dc’s for brief periods now.

It's probably a sign it's not meant to be. My ex was equally unenthusiastic about doing things when we were together. Since we split he's become Disney Dad/ and Disney Boyfriend to his new gf.

I was maybe a bit overly negative. I do feel I hold in mind (I like that phrase) everyone in our house, even down to food shopping and how many slices of pizza I have, always keeping everyone's best interests in my head. I am sure this has been copied from my own dm's behaviour, and hers from those before her. So perhaps there are years of patriarchy behind the apparent inability of many men to give as much of a shit about their partners as there partners seem to do about them. My dh has recently started taking antidepressants and that does seem to be improving his general interest in life and in me.

Good to hear things are improving @hopelesssuitcase. Depression can make someone seem very selfish. My DH was on anti depressants some years ago but not now. I’ve told him he needs more counselling/therapy but he reckons he’s fine. Yes, women definitely tend to carry more of the mental load and don’t think men genuinely realise everything else we have to think about. Becomes more prevalent at Christmas. Wonder what I’ll get this year?!