Ex partner telling me current partner can't babysit

[Mostlyhappy4]

Just for background - I have an angry, emotionally abusive ex partner and we split up six years ago. I have been with current partner nearly two years. Children know him, we've spent a fair bit of time together (he has a son) and they like and trust him. However, we don't spend every weekend together or anything like that - my partner and I usually just see each other when we're child-free as my kids have autism and they like to spend time just the three of us.

Anyhow - I have a work thing on friday and so my partner said he would collect kids from school and look after them (only til 5.30 pm) at my house until ex is due to pick them up (they are going to his for weekend so he would pick them up as normal on friday after tea). I had asked ex if he could pick them up from school as we always give each other the first opportunity when there is a problem. He couldn't do it as had something important on (fair enough, obviously). When i emailed ex to let him know current partner would do it, he said absolutely no way was a man he's never met (he has met him briefly and partner was extremely friendly and polite despite knowing what horrendous time I had with ex) looking after his kids. He's now arranged for his mum to get them and mind them til he can collect. That's fine with me - I like his mum and the kids will no doubt be pleased, so best case scenario all round.

However, am I right to think it's got f*ck all to do with him who I arrange to look after the kids whilst they would be in my charge? I am very very careful who I have to babysit - it doesn't happen often at all (only once or twice) because I arrange social and work life around the kids. However, I totally trust my partner and feel that it's up to me whether he looks after them when they would be with me, as long as they're happy with him. Clearly they know him and very much like him - if they had any qualms whatsoever, I would never even consider this happening.

I will obviously just go with ex's mum looking after them but I would appreciate your opinions on whether ex has a right to dictate this. Many thanks!

Just don’t tell him in future.

No of course he doesn't have a right to dictate that.

I wouldn't want my children to be looked after by a man I didn't know either, especially if they were very young or had any challenging behaviour or communication difficulties or personal care needs. However that's one of the massive downsides of not being in a relationship with your child's other parent - you have to trust them to choose babysitters on their time and can't veto without a very good reason.

Of course he doesn't. I'd reply "it's not up to you who babysits. Either you can do it or you can't. As you've arranged for your mum to do it I'm happy to go ahead with that obviously but for future reference" can you pick up/look after" is a yes or no question, not an invitation to offer an opinion on who else might otherwise do it."

Errr no he’s no right at all. You could pay a childminder to pick them up and watch them if you wanted. What you do on your contact time is F all his business. As long as the kids are safe and happy then it’s none of his business. You’ve gone into a lot of detail justifying yourself and your partner in your post. You don’t need to do that. You both sound lovely. It’s nobody else’s beeswax what your personal arrangements are and in my opinion you should start getting yourself a social life. It’s not against the law. Your partner sounds lovely. You don’t have to always organise your social life around the kids. My friend is a single mum and she has a weekly babysitter so she can go see her boyfriend. You are entitled to a life and your ex does not get to dictate. In the future you make whatever arrangements suit you and tell him it’s none of his business. His behaviour is not acceptable. Getting his mum to jump in? What a prick.

Actually I have to agree with your ex. If he told you he was getting bob who you'd never met but your kids had would you be happy with that arrangement? Because I certainly wouldn't.

@tomatosoup4 it's her partner of 2 years, not some randomer off the street. It makes no difference whether her ex has met him or not. I'm divorced and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my ex said his partner of 2 years was picking up DS, because I trust his judgment. If you want to co parent successfully you have to do so.

OP, he has no right to dictate this. If it was somebody you'd been seeing for 5 minutes then I'd understand his attitude, but it's not.

Tell his mum you've already sorted it.
it's not fair on your partner to put your ex before him.

He’s being ridiculous- it’s not some bloke is it, it’s your boyfriend who you trust. And what you do with your kids on your time is down to you. Same the other way round. I had all this with my ex. (Been separated 16 years and been with now dh for 10). Just ignore him and don’t say anything unless you have to.

I would ask your partner to be quietly on standby as your ex could be intending to pull a stunt by cancelling with his mother so that you are called back from your work thing. Don't make a fuss, just have a back up plan.

I would ask your partner to be quietly on standby as your ex could be intending to pull a stunt by cancelling with his mother so that you are called back from your work thing. Don't make a fuss, just have a back up plan.

This

It’s ongoing control and abuse from him. Not his decision at all, YANBU.

I agree with @IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory. I just wouldn't tell him my plans in future. He's your ex. He doesn't get to dictate your life.

Thanks very much for the comments. Yes, I would keep quiet and not tell him but he will have to pick the kids up from my house and so would then kick off massively when he saw that they'd been left with current partner without me telling him. He IS controlling - ironically he accuses me of this.

Thanks for the replies - I really appreciate it. It's so draining having this bloody angry man bullying me at every opportunity. I sometimes lose perspective and wonder if my gut reaction is way off kilter! x

You aren’t together anymore so he shouldn’t be controlling you. Maybe you should speak to a solicitor or some other expert on what steps you can take to prevent this. You don’t have to put up with his bullying. If he kicks off you call the police. Maybe it should now be the thing you do. Your partner opens the door to him every single time. Tough. Your house, your rules. He’ll soon have to get over it won’t he or he’ll be kicking off constantly with the police called everytime. If it was me I’d message “just for your information and not because I legally have to (because I don’t) but because I’m being considerate, from now on, my partner will be at our home whenever you pick up or drop off the children. Legally it is completely up to me. I’d appreciate you to keep your temper/tongue under control. If you attempt to intimidate or bully either of us we will call the police every single time. This is the new way of things so I suggest you get over it and start getting on with your own life rather than trying to control mine”

Fuck all to do with him - but it's useful to at least appear to give him the choice, as you get your kids picked up either way (win) and he thinks he's made the decision for you as to who picks them up (win).

Obviously, this won't work the other way round and your partner/boyfriend won't be able to pick them up from their Dad (unless he decides he needs them to go home because he has other plans), but in the great scheme of things, it's handy that he will move heaven and earth to do something you want/need done 50% of the time, rather than have your boyfriend do it.

Well that could prove quite useful. I suggest future requests for assistance are phrased that you're giving him first refusal but obviously if he can't help you out, current partner will do it you'll have him running round organising all the childcare in no time!

'No I can't do X but I'm also not going to allow your current partner to do X' will then be met with 'Sorry, that's not an option, you do not need to 'allow'.'

Thanks all, I don't mean he would be physically violent - I mean he would make threats (talks to kids about me and manipulates them) and would send angry emails. I know it all sounds a bit 'boo hoo' because I'm an adult and I can cope but it's still intimidating and causes me to feel stressed. I'm a strong person but he has always managed to get under my skin.

I have thought about warning him that I would go to the (non-emergency) police to talk to them about his threatening emails but I know he would just laugh at me and in a way, is it a bit pathetic to do that? I just dread getting emails from him when I know he's going to kick off about something because he will spend ages composing long, malicious emails and i can't work or enjoy myself when he does this.

Not worth the hassle, tbh.

Save it for when you really need it.

Anyone would get pissed off with that. Since he is making alternative arrangements for this instance, dont sweat it. Future wise he is just gonna have to suck it up really... thats the last bit of control he has over you. In one ear, out the other, theres no point in arguing over this as itll just create more angst. Ignore the twat, go with the flow if its acceptable and livebur life and enjoy ur family and partner.