Finally had The Talk.

[FinallyHadTheTalk]

Difficult day today and through various bickerings and a row DH and I finally managed to have some honesty and talk. He said if he had a time machine we wouldn't have got married. I agreed.
We don't know what to do from here, but basically agree we're just housemates.
We have 2 DC, 8 & 5, eldest has ASD.
DH works full time, I'm a SAHM.
I have next to no savings, and I don't want to separate him from his children. I see no benefit in us splitting, nor does he. I've asked him to think about what he wants, but he's not a talker and it's almost impossible to get anything out of him.
Don't know what to do really. Any advice?

So sorry. You must be in turmoil, but it sounds like at least you have come to this together so it sounds like it's the right thing.

If he isn't much of a talker, could you give him a few days, consider your options as a pair yourself, then approach him to discuss. Ask what his thoughts are, then put to him what you see your joint options being? That would hopefully prompt him to discuss the logistics of each one in detail and hopefully you can talk through the logistics as a pair for the best resolution?

Live together as friends and co-parents. It will need a lot of give and take, patience and cooperation though.

You can continue living together and raise your children as co-parents.
In the short term it may make life easier - if you were arguing before due to resentments building up - this will lift since you cleared up the air.
Eventually one or both of you might want to start another relationship. And you’ll need another arrangement.
But if he is for now OK with living as co parents - and you are OK with it - why not

Counselling ?

Co parenting is fine until someone wants to date. Then it becomes a bit more difficult. A long as you have ground rules you can probably manage ok. If that’s what you both want.

It's weird. It's really bloody weird.
He just never wants to talk about anything.
He blew up earlier and said some rather hurtful things, and when I got him to expand on it later he finally said it.
I've get like that for ages, but he wouldn't talk.
We don't have a physical relationship, once in a blue moon.
Coparenting might work if we can be civil. He has a tendency to turn bitter when pushed, but if I can get him to talk it'll be easier.

Counselling would prob be a good idea to get us on the same page. I sometimes think he says things just to end the awkward conversation.

*felt like that for ages. Typo.

Honestly, we just coexist these days. Been together since 2002, married nearly 10 years.
We aren't coping particularly well with our eldest, both of us find it difficult.
Our house can be a tense, shouty place.
We've both had enough, but we can't afford to split, and I don't want to take the kids away from him.
I started new meds for depression recently and even my GP suggested I should consider leaving - to be fair I was very upset when I saw her, and had been weaning off the previous meds so felt awful.
I can't really talk freely to my friends/family about this, so just want to vent on here I think. I can tell them about snippets, but none of them really want to hear me whine on.
I grew up walking on eggshells and hate that I'm still doing it. Everything feels completely up in the air now.

You poor thing. It sounds so difficult. Would definitely advise counselling just for you even if not for both of you, if you can possibly afford it - I think having someone to talk to would be very useful.

The whole thing came about because we were discussing counselling - he thought I should go to therapy, then reeled off all my flaws. He had grief counselling a while ago due to issues around his DM's death, it cost a fortune, but really helped him. IMO it helped him because he's emotionally constipated and doesn't talk to anyone about anything personal ever. Whereas I'm trying to look at my past/behaviour critically, and talk to friends often. Counselling might be helpful, but tbh I really don't see how it'll help. I haven't had good luck with counsellors in the past, found them good at making sympathetic noises but no actual help.
Couples counselling would be very useful tho, as DH and I are always talking at cross purposes.

You grew up walking on eggshells.

Do you think the atmosphere in the house is making dc feel like that now? If so you know how hard that is for a child and you could consider what you can do to try and make the atmosphere better. Are you sure you wouldn’t be better off elsewhere (nearby so husband can see dc). Are you sure it would be unaffordable?