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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH advises me not to get involved with this situation

17 replies

speedymama · 20/08/2007 10:38

I have an acquaintance who has a volatile relationship with her partner. He is 20 years older than her and she has been with him since she was 18yo (she is now 28yo). He controls everything to the extent that she is now estrana
ged from her family, lost most of her friends and now he is jeapordising her employment by constantly phoning her to check up that she is not seeing another man.

Now he is pressuring her to have a baby with him and she does not want this because it would mean that he would be in her life permamently.

Unbeknown to him, she has put a deposit on a flat to rent and plans to move out this week whilst he is at work. He has no idea of her plans. I offered to help her move out but unfortunately, on the date she is moving, I have to be at work.

DH had told me not to get involved because the partner is a nasty character and could come after me.

I would welcome advice from anyone who has been in this situation before. I am not a close friend of this woman but we do get on well and because she confided in me (6 hours of download!), I really wanted to do something to help.

TIA

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 20/08/2007 10:41

I'm with DH on this one. Stay away, especially as you say you're not close friends.

policywonk · 20/08/2007 10:43

It sounds as though she really needs some support. If you're worried about this guy, could you help her to get in touch with some Women's Aid centres or refuges? They might be able to offer her practical help with moving her stuff.

Realistically, you can't be her only source of support.

serenity · 20/08/2007 10:48

I'd do what you're doing at the moment - just be there as someone she can talk to. I really wouldn't get between them in any greater capacity than that atm. If there's the possibility that things will turn nasty, I think she'd be better off with professional help and I'm sure there are people on here who can give you an idea of what organisations there are that can help here through this. I really hope things work out for her.

lillypie · 20/08/2007 10:50

I second policywonks post.You must look after your own safety.

Jazzicatz · 20/08/2007 10:51

I would stay around to spport her, give her the details of Womens Aid at least!!

Original poster

speedymama · 20/08/2007 10:55

Thanks for the advice and I'll advise her to contact Women Aid or something similar.

He called when she was with me yesterday and she put him on speaker phone so I heard everything he said. I was shaking. He is convinced that she is seeing another man but she isn't - she just has had enough of him and wants him out of her life. She really needs to get away from him so she can move on with her life.

He will not know where she lives but he will know where she works. I just pray he has the sense to stay away from there.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 11:00

How frightening, speedy!

Has she reported him to the police for threatening her?

I think she needs some help from Women's Aid, too.

CarGirl · 20/08/2007 11:01

sounds like she should see a solicitor to get a restraining order, think womens aid etc can advise her on stuff like that?

Baffy · 20/08/2007 11:01

I know you need to look after your own personal safety, but I think any support you can give (online, by phone, giving her useful numbers etc) would be greatly appreciated. Sounds like she'll need all the support she can get

Wisteria · 20/08/2007 11:02

She needs to go to the police if she is seriously worried about her safety, if she has any threatening text messages or answerphone messages she should show them as the police can document them and either use them to warn him off or as evidence for her in obtaining an injunction etc.
Unless things have changed dramatically in the past few years, they will give her an incident number and if anything happens she only needs to call them and it will be treated as an emergency with direct response police presence.
I believe the police will also go to his house or place of work and warn him to stay away if necessary.

mosschops30 · 20/08/2007 11:04

Echo what everone else says do try and support her without getting directly involved with him.
If the police are aware that she is suffering abuse or fears for her safety they can be present when she moves her stuff out (I had this and they were very good)as others have said they can also log problem and she will be treated as an emergency if called to deal with a situation.
I really hope this works out for her, nobody deserves to live in fear like this

MaureenMLove · 20/08/2007 11:04

Sorry I was so blunt, I had to dash off, but needed to post so that I could find it a bit quicker again!
I agree with everyone else. You can be there for her emotionally, but she really needs to make contact with someone who can help her on her rights etc. Please be careful not to put yourself in danger, this man sounds like a nasty peice of work.

Original poster

speedymama · 20/08/2007 11:07

I'll tell her to start keeping a diary/log of threats from him. She also needs to get new number for her mobile. I don't know what she can do about the work situation though. Can she get a restraining order for her work place?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 20/08/2007 11:09

I believe a restraining order is about them staying so far away from them wherever they are so def including place of work

littledetails · 20/08/2007 11:27

I have been in a similar situation and was too scared to go to the police. It took two years to get rid of him and the only way was to tell him I had meet someone else and he was a police officer (which was sort of true as he was a special). Fortunately he had his own place, although he didnt leave my side when we were together. He never bothered me after that.

Im not suggesting she does what I did, I was lucky that there were no reprecussions, its just to let her know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

BTW my ex spent 12 months inside after, for biting the top of someones ear off....nice guy!

tribpot · 20/08/2007 11:42

The trouble is, you are already involved.

Does her partner know where you live? It sounds like he could well be knocking on your door if so, when he realises she's vanished. You and everyone else she knows, I might add.

If things get heated in terms of a harrassment case against him, you're now a witness to the kind of things he has been saying. Did he know he was on speakerphone/that you were there?

She definitely needs to speak to Womens Aid. It sounds like he could get dangerous when she leaves.

lizziemun · 20/08/2007 12:58

Speedymama

I have been in your situation (sp), I did help my freind and still do.

She was worried about how her ex p would react to me, but he reacted the way i thought he would. He didn't do anything to me because he knew i would not stand for it.

He was a bully, and knew i would stand up to him so he had no power over me, like he did her.

I think she should speak to the CAB and see if she can get some sort of restraining order against him.

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